24 Mar

Every once in awhile, when I’d rather gouge out both eyes than actually do work, I’ll go back through my posts to find out what I was doing a year or two ago.  As it turns out, a year ago I was going out and buying beer and codoms.  Here’s the thing: I have absolutely ZERO idea why the hell I was buying condoms as there wasn’t a peen in site!

Grow Up
(originally posted 03/23/08)

When did this happen? No, I’m not referring to a herp sore or how I’ve managed to gain 40+ pounds since I graduated from college 13 years ago. I have a hard time pinpointing the exact moment that I became an adult.

I find myself wondering about this from time to time when I’m laying (alone, oh so very alone) in my bed in the home I bought with my very own money (and the money that my mom and dad so generously gave me). There’s a list of things that I run down when the question pops into my head.

  • I own a single family home. Sure the yard is an absolute freaking disaster, but it’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it. And that includes never having had the gutters cleaned since I bought the house in 2003.
  • I own a car. Which desperately needs an oil change…and has needed one for about 6 months now.
  • I mow my own lawn. And the water meter too.
  • I pay my bills on time (usually). Depending on whether or not it’s going to get in my way of boozing.
  • I have a job. Scratch that, I have a career-complete with benefits, paid vacation, business cards and a shiny title.

Yet none of these things makes me feel like a grown up. In my mind, I’m still that insecure, teenager from high school. The one that was too shy to talk to boys, and would turn bright red if the teacher ever called on my in class. The girl that would watch from the sidelines as her crush flirted with another girl.

We all have our moments of immaturity, I probably have more than most people, but the fact is that I am an adult. The realization hit me this morning when I was reminding myself to run an errand at lunch time. This is the ultimate errand in adulthood-nothing beats this. Nothing.

I’m going out to buy a 12 pack of beer and condoms.

I’m so boss it freaking hurts me. Maybe I’ll pick up a copy of the Economist and yell at some kids to get their asses in school. I’m totally grown up. Either that or I really am in high school and I’m borrowing my older sister’s fake ID so I can score some Milwaukee’s Best.


8 Responses to “”

  1. jon March 24, 2009 at 12:35 pm #

    Note to CS.: Insecure teenage boys ride bearback…..no need to spend money on condoms, hire a gardner instead.

  2. Melrox March 24, 2009 at 1:28 pm #

    I don’t want to grow up either.

    I did however write a blog post today that might make you chuckle.

  3. Mike March 24, 2009 at 1:53 pm #

    Just make sure you but American made condoms. They’re being outsourced to China. You know they’re good there since they have no population problem. 😛

  4. Del-V March 24, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

    I’ve never been called an adult but I’ve been tried as an adult…

  5. Lady Jane March 24, 2009 at 6:03 pm #

    I can so identify with this post!!! I do not feel at all like I am an adult..I mean I still am broke, still confused, can’t ake care of anyone but myself ( kids , you say…uh no) and I like to drink..alot!! I do own my own home. Thats something, right?

  6. Broke Bettie March 24, 2009 at 7:38 pm #

    Hilarious post, as usual.

    I should share my “grown up” condom story. (This happened when I was in college) I was a bit shy and totally awkward about hooking up with this jerk but I figured I’d be responsible and get protection. While paying for the taboo item a couple of dorks from one of my classes was there and saw what I was buying. They then proceeded to follow me around the mall and announce to everyone that I had just purchased rubbers. They pointed and yelled and followed me out to the parking lot – it was incessant.

    It was humiliating at the time but it cracks me up now for a variety of reasons. And btw, I never did hook up with that loser. 😉

  7. Chef Green March 24, 2009 at 9:55 pm #

    It does not matter that there are no peens in sight. Condoms are a staple item- like flour, sugar, and heroin. You just never know when you’ll need one.

  8. Jormengrund March 25, 2009 at 8:07 am #

    Just think CS:

    If you don’t use the condom for sex, you can at least blow them up and leave them all over Foxy’s desk at work!

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