Joe Camel’s Got Nothing on You

19 Mar

The other night when I was out with Jewcy Bits and Del-V enjoying some pre-St. Patrick’s Day binge drinking, we saw something that no human being should ever have to see. A site so traumatic that it will take years of therapy, prescription medication, hitting bottom, and joining a support group to get over it.

Like many people in the bar, this woman walked in wearing green. She had made the decision to go with some green corduroy pants. On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with that, but she had made a decision that would rock our worlds and make us hurl for years to come.

The pants she chose to wear were clearly purchased the year before when she weighed at least 15 pounds less. Clearly, the top she chose was purchased at the same time as the pants. I know this because the top was accentuating her muffin top. If you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if anyone else will see the gut that you see, the answer is yes. Ladies (and some men), let’s make a vow: let us never leave our homes thinking, “I’m the only one that can see it.” Let us save ourselves and everyone around us the embarrassment and shame of the muffin top.

Why none of her friends demanded that she change and immediately sent her home is a mystery I will wonder about for the rest of my life. Perhaps these people were not her friends, rather, a group of people that she hung out with that hated her to the core.

But the travesty of the muffin top was not the only violation that Ms. Green Jeans threw in our direction. As a matter of fact, is was the lesser of the offenses. Ladies and gentlemen (and Pistols, too), there was camel toe. St. Patrick’s Day camel toe. There’s not enough green beer in the world to make me forget the muffin top-camel toe combination.

I have to go now because I’m going to throw up (again) and it takes me a little while longer to get to the bathroom as there are tears streaming down my cheeks caused by the horrocious (horrible + atrocious) memories

Jewcy Bits, Del-V, please feel free to share your observations.


13 Responses to “Joe Camel’s Got Nothing on You”

  1. Chef Green March 19, 2009 at 10:05 am #

    Oh, the horror! I have just gouged out my retinas, and I didn’t even see it in person.

    I have just posted a story of *serious whoredom* aka “why I’m such a great dater” on my blog. I know you want to read it, mock it, and commiserate. Its really shameful.

  2. Red March 19, 2009 at 10:35 am #

    Oh, the horror! Sorry you had to go through that, CS.

    Interestingly, there was a country song I heard a month of so ago (only once, it’s probably dead and gone) called “Rockin’ the Beer Gut.” Lyrics I remember:

    She’s rockin’ the beer gut, and I love the way she’s not ashamed/Rockin’ the beer gut – just an extra bit of love around her waist

    …or something like that. I was simultaneously horrified that someone would celebrate that in song and inspired to think about how we as a society need to be tolerant. Some fat people really can’t help it. But there’s a point at which you should just stop eating fries and reach for the broccoli, dammit!

  3. Moiii March 19, 2009 at 10:35 am #

    The really horiffic part Cath is that a lot of women don’t care, the thinking about if anyone else is gonna see it never comes into play.

    I find the worst offenders are chunky highschool girls, at least here in Canada. I’m no skinny minnie by any means, but girls put that shiz away!! I don’t care if you don’t care about how you look, I really care, mama doesn’t need to see that!

  4. Witty March 19, 2009 at 10:41 am #

    I am sorry this happened to you but this post made my day! Random, I know, but I needed a good laugh.

  5. srg March 19, 2009 at 10:56 am #

    I almost spit my tea at my monitor that was so funny!

  6. cinnamon & honey March 19, 2009 at 11:16 am #

    What, no pictures? At least with the face blurred out? 😉

  7. jessica March 19, 2009 at 11:27 am #

    Actually when the camel toe is that bad it is called a Moose Claw. I know, you’re probably going to puke again. sorry

  8. BeckEye March 19, 2009 at 11:39 am #

    I’m assuming she also had a BIF? (Butt-in-front, for those not in the know.)

  9. Vegetable Assassin March 19, 2009 at 12:18 pm #

    I just do not understand why some ladies are averse to buying jeans in a larger size because of the stigma (IN THEIR HEAD) of wearing a larger number. Do they not know in cases like this the larger is BETTER? And makes you look slimmer? No, they’d rather wear a small size and overflow it like an overbaked cupcake. And the rest of us have to look at it wobble. I’m not sure I could even leave the house with an apparent muffin top even for a bet.

    Well ok, maybe for a bet… Depends on the bet really.

    Camel toe however…

  10. pistols at dawn March 19, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    As an avid camel foot fetishist, I enjoy such displays of yuckiness.

  11. Amadeo March 19, 2009 at 7:19 pm #

    Sooo…how do you feel about male camel toe…or Camel tail.

  12. Jewcy Bits March 19, 2009 at 7:21 pm #

    UGH. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up in my mouth and gouge out my eyes (like someone who has slept with Pistols). Why, why, why have you forced me to think about this? AGGGHHH.

    Forget calling her a HOT MESS because, honestly, that description doesn’t cover it. I was there. I saw, I gagged (TWSS). I cried. That green mess shall forever be known as the Overstuffed Leprechaun. It was horrible. And the fact that this chick clearly didn’t own a mirror makes me seriously reconsider the fact that at one time, I was seriously considering giving my money to some bogus charity like Feed the Children. Instead, I say we give our money to a foundation that provides 360 degree mirrors to all of the scamming sluts in the world who leave the house under the impression that they look good.

    The slogan for my new charity will be: NOs to TOES, NOs to TOES.

    Cath, when should Del-V and I drop of the first mirror to your house? Bt Dubs, Del-V is only helping me in my new project to cover up the fact that when he went to buy us beer, he was really buying the Overstuffed Leprechaun’s digits with promises of alcohol and a trip to the Golden Corral.

    Oh and would you people start reading my blog? Hook a Jew up, would ya?

  13. Amber D. March 20, 2009 at 8:33 am #

    Eww, eww, ewwwww. I may not be the slimmest around the waist area but at least I’ll wear the trendy loose-at-the-waist shirts that some saint from heaven decided needed to be brought back into style.

    And my and my friends have noticed that often the muffin top is accompanied by the FUPA (fat upper pu**y area), or GUNT (where you can’t tell where the gut ends and the…well, you can figure it out…begins). Neither is a pretty sight, even if you’ve been drinking.

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