When Drunk Tools Attack

16 Mar

In an attempt to balance out my “old maid” behavior of seeing Riverdance on Saturday, I decided to brave the St. Patrick’s day drunkards and meet Jewcy Bits out for some drinks yesterday afternoon. By the time I arrived in Canton, most everyone in the bar was 3 sheets to the wind. Probably because they had all gone directly from their beds into the bar. I’m pleased to announce that my “old maid” actions were completely cancelled out as I was drinking beer straight out of the pitcher within 2 minutes of walking into the bar. Not something I typically do, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I don’t make it a habit to go to bars in sneakers and frumpy clothes, but I made an exception yesterday. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice. The nice thing about walking into a crowd of drunks is that no one seemed to notice that I was dressed like someone’s mother. In fact, they didn’t even notice that I wasn’t wearing a stitch of green either.

Here’s something else people didn’t seem to notice: the fact that I was far more sober than most of the other people there. Case in point: in the middle of mocking an important conversation with Jewcy Bits, some drunkard stumbled over our way and said to me, “Have you met my friend, Drunk A-hole with Zero Personality?” and then stumbled away. 30 seconds later, Jewcy Bits backed away and left me standing there with Drunk A-hole with Zero Personality (DAwZP). Thanks, Jewcy Bits. No, really.

The world’s lamest conversation day ensued.

DAwZP: Hi.
Me: Hello. [awkward silence ensues] I’m Catherinette.
DAwZP: Hi.
Me: Hello.
DAwZP: I didn’t hear you.
Me: CATHERINETTE
DAwZP: Nice to meet you. I still can’t year you.
Me: It’s because you’re too tall. [DAwZP stoops and I yell in his ear] CATHERINETTE!!
DAwZP: Hello.
Me: Hi.
[more awkward silence]
Me: You play football?
DAwZP: Yeah.  I’m here with my team. [waves to a bunch of guys that are standing around in a circle dancing and singing to one another]
Me: Your friends are gay.
DAwZP: What? [cups his ear and leans forward]
Me: YOUR FRIENDS ARE GAY!
DAwZP: Yeah. [stares at my boobs]
Me: So, how long have you been here.
DAwZP: What’s that?
Me: What time did you get here?
DAwZP: I can’t hear you.
Me: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?
DAwZP: What time did I get here?
Me: YES?
DAwZP: 11:30.
Me: That’s nice.
DAwZP: What was that?
Me: Fuck this, I’m out.

People if you’re going to attempt to hit on someone, at least have something to say.

Later on we saw DAwZP hanging out by the garbage can near the ladies room.  Poor bastard was drooling all over the place and just about to throw up all over himself and anyone standing nearby. 

How could I have let that catch slip through my fingers…? 

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8 Responses to “When Drunk Tools Attack”

  1. Del-V March 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm #

    At least he didn’t punch Jewcy in the gut to get rid of her hiccups.

    That was a pretty smooth move. -CS

  2. Amadeo March 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm #

    I can’t believe you passed that up. You could have been rubbing the his back and making sure he didn’t fall getting of the curb if you had played your cards right.

    Wow. Nice job with your typing skills. It reminds me of my drunk blogging. -CS

  3. Amadeo March 16, 2009 at 2:31 pm #

    Wow…I seem to suck at typing.

    Just a little bit. -CS

  4. jon March 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm #

    I know I’m at least 3 posts behind with this comment, but since you brought “it “up again in this post.

    Riverdance = Too Many Dicks On the Dance Floor.

    You say that like it’s a bad thing. -CS

  5. David March 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm #

    Seems like the drunk dick needs a hearing aid in addition to lacking any decent social skills.

    Or a swift kick in the nads. I could give him that much. -CS

  6. chefgreen March 16, 2009 at 5:33 pm #

    Now who is being the same to singledom? You could’a tapped that shit. Over and over until he hurled.

    I guess with too much down time, the vag gets really picky.

    F that noise! It’s been 6 months, not 6 years! -CS

  7. chefgreen March 16, 2009 at 5:33 pm #

    Same=shame; shut up before you even start!

    I was this [ ] close to mocking you. -CS

  8. Jewcy Bits March 17, 2009 at 9:26 am #

    Pardon me for trying to direct some much-needed attention to Vageena Davis. I’m thinking that guy would have been semi-tolerable with his mouth full. He told me he was hyper-attracted to you.

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