I’d Like to Riverdance All Over Your Stupid Mouth

16 Mar

Being the awesome swinging single that I am, I spent Saturday afternoon at Riverdance with my mother, Simone, and my Pink Eye. It was our 3rd time seeing it. I’m so cool. No, really. Why would someone as cool as I am still be single?

I’m going to need you to play along with me that it’s a fun thing to do with a Saturday afternoon. Go ahead and check reality at the door. Just do me this one favor, okay? Great.

Anyway, we had great seats and were all set for being wowed by all those international dancers flailing about the stage. I knew there was going to be a problem the second that someone walked by me and I got a whiff of a cheap motel bedcover. You know the smell I’m talking about. It’s that toxic combination of generic soap, stale cigarettes, and a little mystery something-and it’s nauseating. As it turns out, the horrific stench was the least offensive thing about the woman that stomped all over our feet as she made her way to her seat-right next to my mother’s. As the 70-something loud mouth (with terrible plastic surgery that made Joan Rivers look young and attractive) settled into her seat, the talking began…and continued through the entire show.

We were sitting in the front row of the Grand Suites, and had a perfect view of the entire stage. Meanwhile, Joan Rivers’ Mother was peeved because she originally had front row seats which she had to give up because her husband didn’t want to have to look up. She was upset because she couldn’t “see their faces.” The last time I checked, the whole point of Riverdance was watching them dance, not to look at their facial expressions. “OH MY GOD! I CAN’T BELIEVE I LIVED TO SEE THIS,” she would say. “WE COULD HAVE SAT IN THE FRONT SEAT. I CAN’T SEE THEIR FACES ALL THE WAY UP HERE,” she kept shouting saying. Then she’d point all the way to the right hand side of the theatre to 2 empty seats with a blocked view of the stage, “THOSE COULD HAVE BEEN OURS.” My mother turned to her and told her to quiet down, and she did, in her own world. She turned the volume one notch and kept on talking. The. Whole. Entire. Time. She didn’t shut her mouth at all. She treated us to such gems as:

read the rest of the story on The Catherinette Chronicles


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