Archive | 3:43 pm

The Many Adventures of Claude: Bathroom Shenanigans

2 Mar

For most of us, the bathrooms at work are for…well, going to the bathroom!  But not for my good friend, Claude.  As established in a previous post, Claude is one of my whore friends.

Before I get into the story of how I know this, let me give you all a bit of advice: go out there and get yourself a gay friend if you don’t have one.  Everyone should have one-they’re like the perfect accessory, they go with anything and are perfect for any occasion.

On to this week’s story about Claude:

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An Important Question for All Humanity

2 Mar

Thanks to Mother Nature, I’m snowed in.  The good news is that I didn’t have to go to work.  The bad news is that I only have heat on the 2nd floor of my house AND I don’t have any hot water, and they can’t fix the furnace until Wednesday.  Bastards.

Take pity on my, people.

Here’s my question: which one of you is going to bring me some delicious blueberry pancakes and a side of bacon?  And a mimosa?  Made with real champagne.  And maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry’s?

Reaching New Heights in Boredom

2 Mar

My mother is a smart woman.  She was born and raised in Mexico, and she and her brother were the first in her family to get past high school.  Both of them attended medical school, and became doctors.  Sure, my uncle is a special breed of asshole, but my mom is pretty cool.  She has had her own private practice for years, and has a good reputation in our area.  She has a nice, small group of friends here-who are somewhat dull, and some great friends in Mexico who are the bomb.

When we first moved from California, some 20 years ago, my mom ran into 2 of her friends from medical school.  Somehow all 3 of them had made their way from Mexico here to Baltimore.  I have vague memories of dinners at my parents’ house as a teenager when they would come over and talk about life “back home.”  Just fleeting memories, really.  All of us sitting at the table, someone talking, my mom getting more food, etc.  I don’t remember actual conversations or who said what to whom. 

Over the years they all went their separate ways and lost touch.  Up until 6 months ago when we ran into one of the couples while grocery shopping.  We kept bumping into them, and started reconnecting.  5 minute conversations ended up turning into 30 minute conversations over by the cheese aisle.  It was fun.  So my mom decided to have them over for lunch on Sunday.

What a horrible and tragic mistake.  There’s a reason that I only have vague memories of when they would come over: I blocked them out.  Clearly, this is a sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This was the first time that I was so bored that it was physically painful.   He told countless boring stories about some small towns he lived in while he was in Mexico.  Right down to what on earth he would have for lunch and how the tables were set and how there were only 2 cars in the village and one was his and how he would drive to another town to make phone calls and pick up his mail and it was so hot there but you got used to it and sidebar to wife about how she didn’t know what heat was even though she was from Florida where one time they went swimming and they met a celebrity who very much enjoyed hearing his accounts of life in small town Mexico.

Holy boring, Batman.  Do you know how hard it is to try to look someone in the eyes without yawning and or rolling your eyes when they’re boring you to tears?  Try it.  The whole time I was sitting there listening I’m thinking to myself, “Does mom not remember this kind of torture?  Is she doing this to us on purpose?  What did we ever do to her to make her put us through this?  Is she mad at me for some reason?”

Thank God that my sister and her family were there.  Damien and Lucy(fer) insist on taking a bath in my mom’s whirlpool tub every time they go over to her house.  Those little angels invited me up to the bathroom to hang out with them while they bathed.  While typically I avoid this at all costs (as it’s not the world’s most exciting thing to hang out in a bathroom and watch 2 kids splash around, and yell, “No water out of the tub!” 600 times), this time I jumped at the chance.  For 45 minutes my sister, brother-in-law, and I hid in the bathroom with the kids. 

They finally decided to leave, and as soon as the door was closed my mom said, “I am so sorry.”  \