Archive | March, 2009

Protected: The Nip Slip

31 Mar

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You Owe it to the General Public

31 Mar

You know those people that hang out at the beach that make you wonder, “what on God’s green earth made her believe that she looked good in THAT bathing suit?” The one that has a tad too much cottage cheese and saddle bags big enough to serve as a weekend travel bag?

Bathing suit season is upon us, and there’s nothing that makes me want to slit my wrists like trying to squeeze my fat butt into a bathing suit I have no business being in.

I don’t want to hear the fat on my legs slap together when I run up the stairs.

I don’t want to be the funny chubby friend.

I don’t want to be the one that guys see and make them think, “she’d be pretty if she would just lose a few pounds.”

I’m not going to be that person this year.  And I don’t want you to be either. 

It’s time to banish back fat!! You know you could use that extra kick in the ass, so join me in Operation Muffin Top(ple)!

Just the Tip Tuesday (03/31/09)

31 Mar

The other night when I was at my sister’s house, I somehow managed to talk my sister and brother-in-law into watching “Step Up 2: The Streets” and “Step Up” (in that order). That’s equivalent to wasting 4 hours of our lives that we’ll never get back. Not ever. We were highly amused by the concept of dance crews that would “attack” on the metros. Oh yeah, you read that right. This dance crew would basically get on a metro stop, everyone would sit apart, and then they would just start dancing around-it scared the other passengers, at it should. This crazy terrorist dance crew went by the name of The 410, named after our local area code. We decided that the only answer to having a dance crew called The was to form our own crew called the “443” (our other area code).

Oh how I heart cheesy dance movies. A week later we found ourselves mocking the “actors” in “Centre Stage”. It’s all about a group of kids that end up at the American Ballet Academy. Dear movie makers, let me give you a tip, if you’re going to cast a gay actor as a straight lead, go to town. Let’s just try to have him be a little straighter than the guy that stars in “Centre Stage”. Case in point, Rupert Everett. Hot as sin, and could easily been James Bond over stupid ass Daniel Craig.

Anyway, this isn’t about any of those guys. It’s about someone far hotter: Channing Tatum.


As it turns out, a friend of mine from work grew up with him and remembers him when he was just a “punk kid”. Apparently he’s a really nice guy and doesn’t talk like a jack hole from the streets of Baltimore like he does in the “Step Up” movies. Here’s a little something you may or may not know about Channing, he’ll be in the new “GI Joe” movie AND he has his own action figure.

If only it was anatomically correct…

Your Mom’s My Inspiration

30 Mar

I’m so busy that I don’t have time to post, but I do have time to harass the general public with my emails.

Earlier today, Mellafabulous asked for the password to the protected posts. Being the generous and kind person that I pretend to be, I decided to send it her way.

Those of you that have the password know that it’s a little play on words. So we went back and forth…

  • Mellafabulous: Are you suggesting I’m a [insert my oh-so-clever password here]? I prefer the term [synonym for my oh-so-clever password here].
  • Me: As a matter of fact…you were totally the inspiration for the password. I had initially gone with wh0re, but thought people would think I was talking about your mom. HEY-O!

I practically wept tears after sending that. God, I totally amuse myself sometimes…

Basking in the “After Glow”

30 Mar

Each year the gala at American Visionary Art Museum just gets better and better.

I’ve got some pics to share of that nip slip. While I did in fact parade my cleavage around, it was not my nip that decided to make a special guest appearance at the gala.

I’ve got more updates for you AND pics (of said nipple), but I’m busy as sin at work so you’ll just have to wait until later.

Oh, and I’ll tell you all about how one of our local news anchors got wasted off her ass. Good times, good times.

Did I mention there was pole dancing?

Who says that volunteering is boring?

There’s a reason that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…

27 Mar


No F’ing Way Friday (03/26/09)

27 Mar

There was a time when I would eagerly await the arrival of the newest episode of  “Heroes”.  Then something happened-something that often happens with television shows that should have ended after the second season: the show started to suck dog balls.

Just like “Desperate Housewives”, “Prison Break”, and “ER” the show began to remind me of a once gorgeous woman who is now 20 years older and still dresses and acts like she did when she was 25.  It’s sad, it’s pathetic, and it’s mockworthy.

I knew that “Heroes” was going to go down that route when they introduced the world’s worst child actress to the show.  Ugh, Molly’s character made me want to jump through the screen, shove a fork in her eye and strangle her.  I don’t care if she’s a little kid, she is HORRIBLE!!  My vaccuum cleaner could do a better job of playing the role of Molly than she could-at least my vaccuum cleaner has a wider range of emotions than she does.

And woe is me when they would partner her up with Greg Grunberg:


I hated him the first time around in “Alias” and could have wept when I saw him on “Heroes”.  I kept wishing they would kill off his character so I could sit through an episode without cringing when he was onscreen “acting”.

I don’t care that he’s chunky, so’s Vince Vaughn (and I’d jump on him in a hot second).  He just irritates the hell out of him.  He’s so irritating, in fact, that I’d rather do Brett Michael’s and be forced to take Valtrex for the rest of my life as a consequence.

Look, if you want him, you can totally have him.

God Freaking Damn It!!

26 Mar

Disney just informed me that I had a run in my god damned stocking.  I just took a peek at the back of my leg-it’s not a run, it’s a fucking giagantic hole (twss)!!

That’s 2 fucking pairs of stockings that I ruined today.


Damn you, Society and the World, for forcing us to throw money away on something that barely lasts 30 fucking god damned seconds. 

Awesome.  Just fucking awesome.  I’ve probably been walking around the whole god damned day with the biggest fucking run in the world.  There is nothing that will make you look like a jack ass like having a big fat fucking run in your stocking.  It’s kind of like having food stuck in your teeth.