The Many (Whoring) Adventures of Claude

25 Feb

This may come as a giant surprise to you (twss), but many of my friends are not real whores. They merely wish they were whores. There are 2 exceptions to this: Foxy, who you will find at the local bus station ever evening after 7:30; and Claude, who enjoys tending to the honey pots in the DC Metro area. This story, is about Claude.

Claude is a dirty man whoring hooker.

Several years ago he moved to Dupont because he felt the gay scene here in Baltimore sucked (but not in a good way). I beg to differ, but not having an experience in the gay scene I couldn’t come up with a good argument. Apparently, “I will miss you,” and “who will go to gay bingo with me at the Hippo” were not reason enough for him to stay. So he packed his things and moved far, far away, a whole 50 minutes away. Bitch.

He quickly established a wonderful group of Mary friends and began to tend to his needs. I think you all know what I mean. In the years that he’s lived there, he’s managed to have some very interesting encounters. I always enjoy hearing about them-it’s quite educational. I swear to Christ it’s like I have lived in a bubble all my life and he has just burst it. It’s insane to think of all of the differences between the straight and gay dating/hook up scenes. For example: did you know that a simple crotch grab is enough to signify that you’re game for a little play? Meanwhile, in the straight world, it takes hours of conversations and the promises of a potential date before some of us let you graze our cans.

Being the hooker that he is, Claude takes advantage of how easy it is to meat meet people in the gay community. That’s all well and good until Claude received an email just yesterday.

Hi Claude,

How are you? I’m sorry I did not get in touch with you sooner, but I was a wee bit shy to contact you soon after you gave me your card. However, I think it would be fun to hang out with you and I wanted to know if you’d be up for a nice big dinner with me sometime. I enjoy bumping into your sexy belly at the bar and elsewhere, and it’d be even nicer to bump into it in private…hehe.

I hope to hear from you soon…

This guy is a PhD, and has a pretty fat ass job (I know this because his signature on the email tells me). The best part is that Claude has zero idea who this guy is. Zero!!

How will Claude respond to this invitation to try some mystery meat?? Stay tuned as we begin to follow the Many Adventures of Claude!

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24 Responses to “The Many (Whoring) Adventures of Claude”

  1. Claude February 25, 2009 at 4:26 pm #

    In all fairness to me, he WAITED to contact me and god only knows how long he’s waited. Plus, I was drinking when I allegedly gave him my card, so not my fault that I don’t remember him!

    Oh, Claude, you cannot use being all boozy mary as your excuse! That’s not right, because that would basically be when you are awake. 😉 -CS

  2. Claude February 25, 2009 at 4:39 pm #

    Also, not my fault that I work at a gay bar and drink for free! A benefit you have taken advantage of a few times my dear Catherinette!

    I know not of what you speak. -CS

  3. foxy luv February 25, 2009 at 5:07 pm #

    Oh Claude – I am so proud of you! Man Whore it up, baby!

    • Catherinette February 25, 2009 at 5:44 pm #

      Oh, Foxy. Of course YOU would encourage him. You like feeling like you’re not the ony whore in town. -CS

  4. The Other Red February 25, 2009 at 5:30 pm #

    That’s awesome. I say go for it.

    Not to be all not knowing stuff, but what’s a honey pot?

    • Catherinette February 25, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

      Sweet, naive, The Other Red. I was once like you, too. Walking around the world not knowing what a honey pot was.

      How cute. No, really.

      A honey pot is the same as the backdoor. I think you know what I mean. Yes? -CS

  5. Maggie Garcia February 25, 2009 at 9:23 pm #

    You should introduce me and Claude because I collect Dupont Circle gays the way some women collect porcelain dolls – which is to say: excessively and creepily.

    • Catherinette February 26, 2009 at 9:32 am #

      Every girl should have a gay best friend. It should be written into the Constitution.

      Next time I go down to DC we should get together and I get drunk with the gays at the bar where Claude works. I’m willing to share. -CS

  6. douchegirl February 25, 2009 at 9:41 pm #

    I know what you mean. Being friends with my gay bff at work has opened my eyes to new things.

    His favorite phrase? “To me, sucking dick is like shaking hands.”

    Man whore, indeed.

    • Catherinette February 26, 2009 at 9:32 am #

      AHAHAHA!! That is flipping high-larious! -CS

  7. Red February 26, 2009 at 9:37 am #

    Hey! I live less than 2 mi. from Dupont. If there’s a party, please to invite!

  8. Lara February 26, 2009 at 9:47 am #

    My gay and his lovelies send camera phone pics of their dicks to each other before anything goes down apparently so there are no surprises. He has a collection of them on his phone. I mean, pretty adorable right?

    • Catherinette February 27, 2009 at 9:14 am #

      I only hope that they share the pictures with you as well.

      If you think about it, this is actually a really smart move. After all, you don’t want to be surprised with a tiny weeny. -CS

  9. Augusto February 26, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    Some time ago, I was out with friends and casually chatting with a guy at the bar and, after a while, I introduced myself. He replied “Yes, I know who you are, you went home with me last valentine’s day”.

    Oh how embarassing. I had no clue it was him but once reminded, I did remember him and that night.

    • Catherinette February 27, 2009 at 9:15 am #

      AHAHAHA!

      That’s what happens when you whore it up. 🙂 -CS

  10. Tina Marie February 26, 2009 at 2:56 pm #

    Catherine,

    I am a little offended by you saying that only two of your friends are whores….As one of Claude’s Mary friends, I spend countless hours whoring my honey pot not only through the District but have even been known to travel as far as Pentagon City to get it filled.

    -Tina Marie

    • Claude February 26, 2009 at 3:07 pm #

      Sometimes Tina Marie will even give up her honey pot on a house boat parked in the Potomac! We are gals on the go after all.

    • Catherinette February 27, 2009 at 9:16 am #

      First of all, Mary, f you for misspelling my name.

      Second, you have already been named Mary Diva.

      Third, I apologize for leaving you out when I said I only had 2 whore friends. The fact is that you are so past whore that the word doesn’t begin to describe you. 🙂 -CS

  11. Tina Marie February 26, 2009 at 3:10 pm #

    Catherine,

    Claude is correct, I have in fact had relations on a houseboat in the Potomac…I do not recommend it, esp. after having a special drink! The combo of the rocking from the water coupled with the rocking of the swirl was no es bueno! TRUST! Also have a fondu party story that I am sure Claude would love to tell! -T.M.

    • Catherinette February 27, 2009 at 9:17 am #

      I don’t even know what to say to that… -CS

  12. Mary Diva/Tina Marie February 27, 2009 at 10:12 am #

    I get confused as you know Claude and I have multiple aliases so I forgot I had one for this site! Between the bitty, manhunt, facebook, and blogs galore, out list of names is longer than most on the FBI’s ten most wanted list!

    • Mary Diva/Tina Marie February 27, 2009 at 10:13 am #

      *our

    • Catherinette March 2, 2009 at 12:46 pm #

      How on earth do you manage all these things at once? You are so busy and important. -CS

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