Securing My Place In Hell

23 Feb

Lent is just around the corner.  In just two days, Christians from all over the world will be heading over to church and getting ashes smeared all over their foreheads.  I’m halfway tempted to organize a big fat Happy Hour and then proceed to take pictures of everyone and post them on facebook.  Is that wrong?

My sister and I were not raised with any religion.  As heathens, we never learned about the purpose of Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and Easter.  All I could tell you about them is that:

  • Ash Wednesday takes place on a Wednesday and involves walking around with a dirty forehead.
  • The only thing good about Good Friday is that I don’t have to go to work.
  • Easter is when Cadbury brings back the Cadbury egg.

My very Catholic grandmother is probably turning over in her grave right now.

The nice thing about being pre-selected to spend eternity in the fiery pits of Hell, is that I don’t have to give anything up for Lent and I can continue to eat meat on Fridays (twss).  It always brings me great pleasure to torture my friends that do this.  My friends that give up candy are suddenly surrounded by all of their favorite sweet treats (and no, I don’t mean my cans), those that give up booze are invited to have a free round of drinks.

When I was in college, my roommate (Trash Whore Bitch or TWB for short) was one of those friends that I “supported”.  Every Friday we would venture to the cafeteria where I would wait until she’d taken a bite of her hamburger or chicken sandwich.  Right after swallowing it, I would yell, “It’s Friday!!  You’re not supposed to eat meat!”  I know, I know, but I’m already predestined to burn for all eternity, so why not have fun with it?  I’m supportive.  So supportive.

For those of you that are still hoping to make your way through the Pearly Gates one day, what will you be giving up for Lent?

15 Responses to “Securing My Place In Hell”

  1. Anonymous February 23, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    You truly, truly need some help!!

    What kind of help? -CS

  2. remember moments February 23, 2009 at 2:25 pm #

    Apparently from the ‘anonymous’ comment, people can’t take a joke anymore. I’m Catholic. I still thought your post was funny. I have a sense of humor.

    Meh, whatever. That’s okay. The super part about people who leave that type of comment is that I proceed to look up their IP addresses and can tell you exactly where that was sent from. 🙂 -CS

  3. Maggie Garcia February 23, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

    WHERE???? Divulge, divulge, divulge!

    I’m a bitch, but not THAT big of a bitch. 🙂 -CS

  4. Lara February 23, 2009 at 3:50 pm #

    This kind of scares me since it basically describes myself to a T. I’m glad I’m not the only heathen stocking up on Cadbury Eggs without even one thought of Jesus in my head…

    See, you’re not alone. We’re doing the same thing. My guess? We’ll spend eternity together. Hope they have those cream eggs down there. -CS

  5. caribbeanlurker February 23, 2009 at 4:04 pm #

    the brightside of living here in conservative Yucatan, is that everyone walks around with dirty foreheads and there are special menus on Fridays. But no one had the cortesy of telling me how that worked when I moved to NJ. Walking around a grocery store someone had the kindness of pointing that I had “something” in my forehead, it was just plain weird.

    You know what? I’m totally one of those people that would have said something to you. -CS

  6. Melrox February 23, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

    Can I give up sex? My husband is gone for two months anyway.

    Doesn’t count does it? Damn it.

    Yeah, that totally doesn’t count. Nice try, though. -CS

  7. Teri February 23, 2009 at 5:01 pm #

    I like the Reeses peanut butter eggs, myself.

    Mmm…those are pretty delicious. -CS

  8. ilana February 23, 2009 at 6:20 pm #

    I’m Jewish so I don’t have to do Lent…but I shamelessly stock up on cut-price Easter candy, which feels like a sin all its own.

    You’re doing people a favor. There are starving kids in the world and those candies would go to waste. -CS

  9. jon February 23, 2009 at 7:06 pm #

    I’m not religious, but God once appeared in my dream and owned up to the fact that I wasn’t exactly the recipe for Creation He had in mind, and promised to follow up after re-checking His math.

    “Securing My Place In Hell”……Really??? and what the hell are you gonna do the rest of the week?

    Maybe I’ll have to mock some people and waste some time. That sounds like the right thing to do. -CS

  10. The Ambiguous Blob February 23, 2009 at 8:03 pm #

    I was baptised Catholic. I’m surpised the church didn’t burn down right then.

    Did they use and old priest and a young priest? -CS

  11. KatieHen February 24, 2009 at 12:33 am #

    I’m a Baptist – I don’t have to give anything up 🙂

    Hurray! -CS

  12. srg February 24, 2009 at 7:50 am #

    I was raised a catholic, but i don’t practice it anymore. And even when i was practicing i still ate meat on fridays and very rarely did i give anything up for lent. So it looks like we might meet up in hell!

    We should totally throw a little party down there. -CS

  13. LarryLily February 24, 2009 at 1:19 pm #

    I was a freaking altar boy, and I wasnt molested ONCE in my life as a prebuscent catholic kid. Abused by nuns as my teeny blog will atest to but never molested by Father Holy Jocks.

    Now i am agnostic, which means to me easter is when the giant Cadbury eggs rolls away from Wally world and a giant easter bunny pops out and if he sees his shadow we get two more weeks of spring. or girls gone wild, something like that

    I like your version of Easter. Tell me how you see Christmas… -CS

  14. Augusto February 24, 2009 at 5:49 pm #

    I think your post confused “christians” with catholics – who are mandated to spend the day with the dirty forehead. We protestants don’t generally have that voodoo going on.

    For the life of me I don’t understand how a dirty forehead makes anyone a better person.

  15. Naomi February 16, 2010 at 10:20 am #

    I am a Catholic, but I once had a priest (God bless him!) who said no one should give up coffee, chocolate, or cigarettes during Lent, because “the purpose of giving something up is to improve YOUR soul, not make everyone around you miserable”!

    So, pass the Cadbury eggs, I’ll go get another round of espresso — and if you’d ever want to reconsider that Hell business, please let me know. It **does** last even longer than a root canal. (Which we’ll need if we keep snarfing up the Cadbury eggs,

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