Archive | 7:02 pm

Welcome to the Big Time, Bitches!

23 Feb

Over the last few months you’ve noticed that there have been posts linking to my other blog, The Catherinette Chronicles.  Up until now, I haven’t mentioned why there are 2 blogs.  Well, my pretties (and you too, Pistols), that’s about to change right now…

Back in April of last year, I was approached by a lovely woman who was looking for bloggers for a new website.  When I saw the email, I thought it was a joke.  After all, who on God’s green earth would be that interested in hunting me down and asking me to be one of their featured writers.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I called her back.  They wanted me to write for this cool new website that would be launching in a few months.  Picture iVillage, myspace, facebook, Etsy, and you tube all jumping in the sack together and making this kick ass baby.  That, good people is Twolia.

 

What does this mean?  What started out as a simple way to write snarky things about people who annoyed me, vent frustrations about my thankless job, poke fun at myself for having the world’s worst luck with men, and serve as a distraction from eating my feelings (in delicious flavors like Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby) 24/7 has evolved into so much more.  It’s official, bitches, I am no longer just a Corporate ass clown.  Oh, no, no!!  I am a writer.  A real honest to God writer! 

Hurray!!

Update your blog rolls, ladies and germs, because The Catherinette Chronicles is about to launch to the world!

We just received word that several other sections of the site are about to launch.  February 25th marks the date when the music and mall sections will go live.  So those of you ladies with musical talent or crafty things to sell, get ready to go and check it out!

Thomas Dolby Will Cry When He Reads This

23 Feb

Newmie is frenching hilarious.  I swear to the baby Jesus and all the small woodland creatures that she should have her own freaking show.   We’re chatting over text messages and I just started guffawing at the last message she sent me:

Newmie: …Any word from 3D lately?
Me: Thankfully, no.  He’s probably busy working out, talking about his feelings, and scaring kids with his horse teeth.
Newmie: Hah ha ha.  Comedy gold.
Me: I don’t know if I feel more sorry for him or for me.
Newmie: I blame him.  You were blinded by cock.  Kinda like blinded by science, but not.

Securing My Place In Hell

23 Feb

Lent is just around the corner.  In just two days, Christians from all over the world will be heading over to church and getting ashes smeared all over their foreheads.  I’m halfway tempted to organize a big fat Happy Hour and then proceed to take pictures of everyone and post them on facebook.  Is that wrong?

My sister and I were not raised with any religion.  As heathens, we never learned about the purpose of Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and Easter.  All I could tell you about them is that:

  • Ash Wednesday takes place on a Wednesday and involves walking around with a dirty forehead.
  • The only thing good about Good Friday is that I don’t have to go to work.
  • Easter is when Cadbury brings back the Cadbury egg.

My very Catholic grandmother is probably turning over in her grave right now.

The nice thing about being pre-selected to spend eternity in the fiery pits of Hell, is that I don’t have to give anything up for Lent and I can continue to eat meat on Fridays (twss).  It always brings me great pleasure to torture my friends that do this.  My friends that give up candy are suddenly surrounded by all of their favorite sweet treats (and no, I don’t mean my cans), those that give up booze are invited to have a free round of drinks.

When I was in college, my roommate (Trash Whore Bitch or TWB for short) was one of those friends that I “supported”.  Every Friday we would venture to the cafeteria where I would wait until she’d taken a bite of her hamburger or chicken sandwich.  Right after swallowing it, I would yell, “It’s Friday!!  You’re not supposed to eat meat!”  I know, I know, but I’m already predestined to burn for all eternity, so why not have fun with it?  I’m supportive.  So supportive.

For those of you that are still hoping to make your way through the Pearly Gates one day, what will you be giving up for Lent?

Can I Interest You in a Bowl of Soup?

23 Feb

soup

There’s always some interesting news coming out of Britain…

Clearly the man and woman described in this article were interested in a big heaping bowl of man soup.  Sadly, they were going about making it all wrong.  Instead of boiling man bits off a perfectly innocent older gent, they can just purchase the mix.

You have GOT to see this!  I bet you big money that you’ve NEVER seen this kind of soup before.