Archive | February, 2009

No F’ing Way Friday (02/27/09)

27 Feb

Our Oscar themed JTT and NFW month is finally coming to a close.  I’ve got some winners for you to enjoy next month.  Especially on March, 13th.  Muffy and I spent a whole evening planing out who would be included in some upcoming JTTs and NFWs.  You’re in for a treat.  No, really.

Look, I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, but there is no way, no day that Oscar winner Roberto Benigni is ever going to get his peen near my vageen.

He’s not exactly my version of an Italian Stallion, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  Then again, I think being defined as an Italian Stallion automatically makes you undoable.  Even if you drive a Mustang.

Evil Stepmother…

26 Feb

It’s been a year since Debbie Downer started dating a single father.  He is widowed with 3 children.  When they first started dating we would often hear stories about how she was jealous of his dead wife.  She’s tell us all about how she was tired because she had spent several hours grilling him the night before about whether or not they would be together if his wife hadn’t died of Cancer.

It boggles my mind that he didn’t kick her out of his house that very night.  Or the next 15,000 times she did it.  Whatever. 

Here we are a year later, and now she’s bitching about the kids.  She enjoys telling him how he should raise them.  It’s awesome to have to overhear that conversation day in and day out.

Currently, she is yelling into the phone screaming about how 4 year old daughter lied to her face last night.  The offense?  Debbie Downer had told this poor young motherless daughter to go and brush her teeth.  Off she went, and returned 2 minutes later.  “Let me smell your breath,” Debbie Downer demanded.  Low and behold this 4 year old daughter had faked brushing her teeth.

String her up and flog her!  How dare a 4 year old lie about brushing her teeth?  Does this tiny heathen know nothing about dental hygiene??

For the love!  She’s 4 frenching years old!  What kid hasn’t lied about the same exact thing.  It’s no reason to start bitching her dad out about his terrible parenting skills. 

Sweet.  Here we go about how she also lies about using soap in the shower.

Dear Lightening, please strike me.  Thank you.

The Many (Whoring) Adventures of Claude

25 Feb

This may come as a giant surprise to you (twss), but many of my friends are not real whores. They merely wish they were whores. There are 2 exceptions to this: Foxy, who you will find at the local bus station ever evening after 7:30; and Claude, who enjoys tending to the honey pots in the DC Metro area. This story, is about Claude.

Claude is a dirty man whoring hooker.

Several years ago he moved to Dupont because he felt the gay scene here in Baltimore sucked (but not in a good way). I beg to differ, but not having an experience in the gay scene I couldn’t come up with a good argument. Apparently, “I will miss you,” and “who will go to gay bingo with me at the Hippo” were not reason enough for him to stay. So he packed his things and moved far, far away, a whole 50 minutes away. Bitch.

He quickly established a wonderful group of Mary friends and began to tend to his needs. I think you all know what I mean. In the years that he’s lived there, he’s managed to have some very interesting encounters. I always enjoy hearing about them-it’s quite educational. I swear to Christ it’s like I have lived in a bubble all my life and he has just burst it. It’s insane to think of all of the differences between the straight and gay dating/hook up scenes. For example: did you know that a simple crotch grab is enough to signify that you’re game for a little play? Meanwhile, in the straight world, it takes hours of conversations and the promises of a potential date before some of us let you graze our cans.

Being the hooker that he is, Claude takes advantage of how easy it is to meat meet people in the gay community. That’s all well and good until Claude received an email just yesterday.

Hi Claude,

How are you? I’m sorry I did not get in touch with you sooner, but I was a wee bit shy to contact you soon after you gave me your card. However, I think it would be fun to hang out with you and I wanted to know if you’d be up for a nice big dinner with me sometime. I enjoy bumping into your sexy belly at the bar and elsewhere, and it’d be even nicer to bump into it in private…hehe.

I hope to hear from you soon…

This guy is a PhD, and has a pretty fat ass job (I know this because his signature on the email tells me). The best part is that Claude has zero idea who this guy is. Zero!!

How will Claude respond to this invitation to try some mystery meat?? Stay tuned as we begin to follow the Many Adventures of Claude!

Sweet Sacrifice

25 Feb

Today’s the big day: Ash Wednesday!

So, what are you giving up for Lent?

Who is the Target Audience?

24 Feb

You know how in gmail they have those ads up in the top of your box?  (hee hee, I said “box”)

This afternoon as I was avoiding doing work and playing around with email, I saw the strangest ad.  Typically, I don’t even notice that the ads are even there.  Over the years, I’ve just learned to ignore them.

But when I saw the world “vaginosis” they had my attention.

Continue reading

Just the Tip Tuesday (02/24/09)

24 Feb

I was 11 years old when I first saw him.  At the time, I was far busier drooling over Sean Astin who played his little brother in “The Goonies”.  Who would have known that 24 years later, Sean Astin would be a short dumpy guy and Josh Brolin would be a tall drink of water. 

Those of you that follow me on Twitterwill not be shocked that I picked Josh Brolin as the last Oscar nominee for the month.  Mainly because I think I tweeted about him every single time that he was on screen during the Oscars.  I’d like to tweet him.

Josh Brolin

You know why he looks kind of angry in this picture?  It’s because he hasn’t had the chance to see me naked and breathless beneath him.  Ugh, he is so frenching hot!  Oh sweet, hot, Academy Award nominated Josh Brolin, how I’d like to have you for dessert this evening.

Welcome to the Big Time, Bitches!

23 Feb

Over the last few months you’ve noticed that there have been posts linking to my other blog, The Catherinette Chronicles.  Up until now, I haven’t mentioned why there are 2 blogs.  Well, my pretties (and you too, Pistols), that’s about to change right now…

Back in April of last year, I was approached by a lovely woman who was looking for bloggers for a new website.  When I saw the email, I thought it was a joke.  After all, who on God’s green earth would be that interested in hunting me down and asking me to be one of their featured writers.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so I called her back.  They wanted me to write for this cool new website that would be launching in a few months.  Picture iVillage, myspace, facebook, Etsy, and you tube all jumping in the sack together and making this kick ass baby.  That, good people is Twolia.


What does this mean?  What started out as a simple way to write snarky things about people who annoyed me, vent frustrations about my thankless job, poke fun at myself for having the world’s worst luck with men, and serve as a distraction from eating my feelings (in delicious flavors like Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby) 24/7 has evolved into so much more.  It’s official, bitches, I am no longer just a Corporate ass clown.  Oh, no, no!!  I am a writer.  A real honest to God writer! 


Update your blog rolls, ladies and germs, because The Catherinette Chronicles is about to launch to the world!

We just received word that several other sections of the site are about to launch.  February 25th marks the date when the music and mall sections will go live.  So those of you ladies with musical talent or crafty things to sell, get ready to go and check it out!

Thomas Dolby Will Cry When He Reads This

23 Feb

Newmie is frenching hilarious.  I swear to the baby Jesus and all the small woodland creatures that she should have her own freaking show.   We’re chatting over text messages and I just started guffawing at the last message she sent me:

Newmie: …Any word from 3D lately?
Me: Thankfully, no.  He’s probably busy working out, talking about his feelings, and scaring kids with his horse teeth.
Newmie: Hah ha ha.  Comedy gold.
Me: I don’t know if I feel more sorry for him or for me.
Newmie: I blame him.  You were blinded by cock.  Kinda like blinded by science, but not.