Archive | January, 2009

It’s too late for me, but you still have a chance to save yourselves

26 Jan

Promise me that you’ll never make the same mistakes that I have made.  Promise me that you won’t ever see this move.  PROMISE ME!!

You know that movie “88 Minutes” staring Al Pacino?  They had the title half right, it actually should have been called “88 Minutes of Your Life You’ll Never Get Back”.

Wow.  What an incredible peace of crap.  Here’s what I don’t understand: why do actors sign on to make a movie that is clearly craptastic?  I can’t imagine Pacino picking up the script and thinking to himself, “I’m an Academy Award winning actor.  Anything I touch turns to gold!  Even this completely unbelievable script that will eventually star Leelee Sobeski as a murderer.”  Really?  I mean really.  And what happens at the premiere of the movie?  Do they sit there thinking to themselves, “Shit, I can actually hear my career being flushed down the toilet”?  Or do they believe that it’s actually a good flick?

Don’t believe how bad it is?  Here, take a looky loo at the “fantastic dialogue:

  • Jon Forster: Dr. Gramm, I want you to listen very closely, because when I get out of here I’m going to go have a nice hot meal, stop by your grave, and then piss all over it. Now please put my angel attorney on the phone.
  • Dr. Jack Gramm: She’s dead. It’s over, Forster. Except for the clock that goes tic-tock, tic-tock. You got twelve hours to live. [throws phone over banister]

I’m in physical pain.  Someone really should be punished for writing, directing, producing, and or acting in this “film”.  Someone should pay!

It Just Gets Worse

26 Jan

I’m not sure what’s more upsetting, knowing that the dog will never greet me when I walk into this house or being forced to watch “The Polar Express” while playing Thomas the god damned tank engine. Who the hell thought this movie was a good idea?  The kids are so creepy that they’ll probably have starring roles in my next nightmare.  And the “songs” in the film will serve as the soundtrack on those horrifying dreams.

As for the hateful train set…where should I begin?  Shall I comment on the fact that the tracks cost one million dollars and yet they never stay together?  “Why they keep breaking?” Damien keeps asking.  Because they’re shit, that’s why. And who the hell comes up with the names for the stupid characters? I mean really, what the French kind of name is Scarloughie?

When I’m not fixing cheap ass train tracks or being frightened by scary animated children I’m busy fixing Lucy(fer)’s socks.  I’m half tempted to duct tape them on her little cankles.  Is that wrong?

Super.  She just crapped her pants.  Guess who gets to change the diaper?  If my sister hadn’t just lost her dog last night I’d wake her ass up and force her to change the dirty diaper.

There should be a universal law that all children must take naps when in my care.  Frankly, it’s in everyone’s best interest…or at least in mine.   And it’s also a safety precaution for them so they don’t end up with my hands wrapped around their fragile little necks.

Tonight We Said Goodbye

25 Jan

I was at dinner with Foxy when my sister called me to tell me it was time.  Over the course of the weekend, he had been getting worse and worse.  He stopped eating on Friday.  On Saturday the only thing he wanted was to crawl into the children’s playhouse outside – something he had never done before.  Today he stopped lifting his head when anyone came nearby.  He was ready to go.  Now it was time for us to let him go.

Before they took him, I sat beside him in the children’s playroom.  He was curled next to the love seat while the kids were upstairs bathing.  In the past, he would have licked my hand, or chewed on his paw – a clear indication that he wanted more.  This evening he would just move his head away, so I stopped petting him.  I sat beside him and told him that it was okay to let go now, that soon he wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  I told him that he had been a good dog, that he had the softest ears that I had ever felt.  As I sat beside him and wept, my sister walked into the room.  She was the only that he allowed to touch him.  The brim of my hat covered my face as the tears streaked down my cheeks.  The only part of her I could see was her hand gently stroking his head.  I could hear her whisper  that it was okay, that soon he would be reunited with his playmate and they would run together, and that my grandmother would be taking care of the both of them, and he would be happy. 

More than anything I want to believe that.  I can see the image so clearly of the 2 of them running through a meadow, chasing each other and tumbling to the ground while my grandmother walks alongside them.  The hard part is that I don’t believe it any of it – I know it is just a fantasy of mine.  I want it so badly for to be true, it would be so much easier to let him go if I could believe it.  But I don’t believe in an after life, in heaven, or hell, or any of it. 

What I do know is that in his place there is now a void.  One that will never be filled. 

 In the past, when someone new has come into my life, I had always wondered if there was anyway to predict how long we would be in each other’s lives, and under what circumstances we would say good bye.  Knowing how painful the departure was, would I still be willing to let this other in my life? 

I had forgotten how painful this part was.   There is a lump lodged in my throat.  My eyes are red and sting from crying.  My heart hurts.

May he rest  in peace, and may we always remember what he brought to our lives.

No F’ing Way Friday (01/23/09)

23 Jan

What is there to say about Kevin J O’Connor other than no f’ing way?

Oh, okay, I can thin of something else.  The first time I ever saw him was in the movie Lord of Illusions.  I don’t remember too much about the movie, other than it sucked and Famke Jannsen was also in it.  I do remember thinking that she was far too hot for him and in real life it would never happen.  He is gross.


22 Jan

Go read this post RIGHT NOW!!*


I am so excited I might have a heart attack and die!!  Oh sweet Lord in Heaven.  I have butterflies. 🙂


*Yeah, yeah, I know that some of you don’t like to be taken to my other blog, but I posted the story there because I was responding to comments when it all happened. 

An Open Letter to Del-V

22 Jan

Dear Del-V,

Consider yourself on notice.  We are going to Ixia during restaurant week.  Pick a night, any night (except for this Saturday, Wednesday, or next Saturday) and a time.

I look forward to enjoying some cocktails and eating their “Dark & Delicious.”  Mainly because it sounds dirty.

…and speaking of dirty, I can tell you all about the “class” that Foxy and I are taking on Sunday.  But don’t expect any demonstrations.


22 Jan

I can’t believe that this is the post that will follow that touching one about my sister’s dog. I just did something so ridiculously stupid and gross.

I just peed in my pants…more like panties.

Those of you that are loyal readers know of my disdain for underwear. This morning I decided to wear some (no, I’m not on the rag). Got home, put on my pjs, went to sleep and forgot that I had them on.

This morning when I woke up I had to pee. There I was sitting on the toilet, in mid stream, wondering why something felt strange.  So there I was thinking to myself, “What is that?  Did I forget to take out my last tampon 2 weeks ago?  That is so strange.”  That’s when I realized that I had forgotten to drop the panties.

Then I was stuck sitting there wondering how I was going to get up and take those things off of me without dripping all over the place.  5 minutes I sat there while all options are explored.  Do I suck it up and just get pee everywhere?  Can I be really acrobatic and pull them off without touching the pee?  Perhaps I will just take scissors to the sides and then chuck them?

In the end I opted for the scissors.  Peace out, thong.  It was nice knowing you.

I am nothing if not klassy.


Heartbreak Comes in Many Forms

21 Jan

He has been part of the family for 13 years.  When we got him, he was so tiny that he could fit right in the palm of your hand – he was just 2 weeks old.  We were living in Mexico City at the time, and my sister demanded her own dog.   He could barely walk, and had no teeth-which meant that he couldn’t chew.  For 3 weeks we fed him baby food.

He would sleep in bed with my sister on most nights.  Since he was so small, he would wander over to the end of the bed in the middle of the night and do his business, then he’d waddle back up to the pillow and go back to sleep.  My sister would often wake up with little bits of dog poop on the end of the bed.  I thought it was hilarious, my mother was disgusted.  And then the dog started sleeping in my mother’s room.  I still thought it was hilarious when he took to peeing at the end of her bed, and my mother suddenly started tolerating his filthy little habits.  After all, he was just a tiny puppy.  In the mornings, he had this habit of attacking whomever he was sleeping with.  He fancied himself a vampire and would latch onto your neck and try to rip it out.  Bugger had sharp little teeth too, but as he weighed no more than 4 pounds, he didn’t do much damage.

When he was scared or cold, he would lay underneath the stove in the kitchen.  The years passed and he grew to surpass 90 pounds.  He has always been playful and very energetic.  He loved running in the woods, playing with my brother-in-law, and begging for table scraps.  That is, up until about 2 weeks ago.  Suddenly, he just didn’t seem like himself anymore.  The vet visits started as they tried to determine what was wrong with him.

This afternoon my sister was given the news that he is very sick.  Most likely, it’s Cancer.  For a dog that age, surgery isn’t really the best option. You have to consider if you’re putting him under because it’s what’s right for him, or because you don’t want to live without them.  My sister knows better.  The doctors don’t know how long it will be, but it’s only a matter of time now.  For now, he’ll just be made comfortable and we’ll hope that he still enjoys the things that he’s always loved.

Once things change, we’ll have to let him go.

Those of you that are pet owners know how much a part of your family a pet is.  They are the ones that are always happy to greet you when you come home.  That will snuggle with you when you are cold.  That will always love you no matter what you’ve done.  And when a time like this comes, when you know that soon they won’t be around to nudge you with their paws or brush up against you, it is heartbreaking.

I will always have fond memories of him.  Always.  And though he is not my dog, I have always loved him.  And I always will.