It Just Gets Worse

26 Jan

I’m not sure what’s more upsetting, knowing that the dog will never greet me when I walk into this house or being forced to watch “The Polar Express” while playing Thomas the god damned tank engine. Who the hell thought this movie was a good idea?  The kids are so creepy that they’ll probably have starring roles in my next nightmare.  And the “songs” in the film will serve as the soundtrack on those horrifying dreams.

As for the hateful train set…where should I begin?  Shall I comment on the fact that the tracks cost one million dollars and yet they never stay together?  “Why they keep breaking?” Damien keeps asking.  Because they’re shit, that’s why. And who the hell comes up with the names for the stupid characters? I mean really, what the French kind of name is Scarloughie?

When I’m not fixing cheap ass train tracks or being frightened by scary animated children I’m busy fixing Lucy(fer)’s socks.  I’m half tempted to duct tape them on her little cankles.  Is that wrong?

Super.  She just crapped her pants.  Guess who gets to change the diaper?  If my sister hadn’t just lost her dog last night I’d wake her ass up and force her to change the dirty diaper.

There should be a universal law that all children must take naps when in my care.  Frankly, it’s in everyone’s best interest…or at least in mine.   And it’s also a safety precaution for them so they don’t end up with my hands wrapped around their fragile little necks.

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11 Responses to “It Just Gets Worse”

  1. Red January 26, 2009 at 4:39 pm #

    Deep breaths. Sooner or later you’ll get home. There’s booze there.

    Thankfully, there’s booze here too. -CS

  2. SouthernBelle January 26, 2009 at 5:20 pm #

    You could always booze up the kids, it’ll calm them right down… no?

    Perhaps we’ll do a round of shots in honor of the dog. -CS

  3. The ambiguous blob January 26, 2009 at 6:23 pm #

    Kids are so cute.

    As long as you can leave when ever you want. -CS

  4. jon January 26, 2009 at 6:30 pm #

    Aunt Catherinette, Kids like playing games. These are some I play with my sisters kids:

    Ken and Barbie Adventures with Cross Dressing
    Set Fire to Mommies Undies
    Hide and Go Seek: Melted Marshmellows Edition
    How long can Gold Fishy hold his breath?
    Draw Bikini’s on the naked girls in Daddies magazines.
    Bert and Ernie Learn To Smoke

    It’s also important to watch appropriate television while playing these little games. I enjoy exposing them to Cat House or Atlantic City Hookers. Very educational. -CS

  5. The Alleged Ringleader January 26, 2009 at 6:46 pm #

    Grab a bottle of wine and a xanax girl, things will get better!

    Vodka and valium, that’s what I’m talking about. -CS

  6. Maggie Garcia January 26, 2009 at 8:11 pm #

    Yeah, I’m such a laid-back nanny because I’m high 75% of the time. That’s my secret.

    It’s not a secret any longer, is it? -CS

  7. maria January 26, 2009 at 11:39 pm #

    Ah youhave my sympathies. My son is a Thomas fanatic. He is 14 and has played with nothing else but Thomas since he was 2. ( he has autisim) But Thomas was written by a Rev Aubery in England for his son Christopher. From there they made tons of trains, movies etc.. be happy you dont have to remember all the darn names of the trains.. They have some doozys =)P maria

    You poor thing. For the love, Thomas sucks. My nephew has every single train and is happy to take all of them out and tell me all of their names. I immediately block them out as soon as he’s finished torturing me. -CS

  8. realfoodlover January 27, 2009 at 4:31 am #

    When my sister was broody, she used to come round to my house where I had three under-sevens. That soon put paid to her longings…Childcare as a form of contraception?? Oh, and by way, three cheers for Pelosi and her call for contraception – what a breath of fresh air…

    I’ve always wanted children, but after hanging out with Damien and Lucy(fer) I’m beginning to rethink that. -CS

  9. Rachel January 27, 2009 at 8:44 am #

    Haha I totally know what you mean about that movie, I was creeped out when I had to watch it with my niece and nephew last year. The worst part was their “nina” aka my mother kept insisting that the whole family watch it again Christmas morning. Umm no.

    Please tell me that you were able to get out of watching it again. -CS

  10. David January 27, 2009 at 12:23 pm #

    I’ve always enjoyed time with my niece and nephew in modest amounts. Now that they are both in their 20’s, I’ve increased the amount of time they get with me.

    As long as they’re buying, right? -CS

  11. kristina January 27, 2009 at 12:55 pm #

    It’s your punishment for taking advantage of Del-V…

    I didn’t take advantage of him!! -CS

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