Tonight We Said Goodbye

25 Jan

I was at dinner with Foxy when my sister called me to tell me it was time.  Over the course of the weekend, he had been getting worse and worse.  He stopped eating on Friday.  On Saturday the only thing he wanted was to crawl into the children’s playhouse outside – something he had never done before.  Today he stopped lifting his head when anyone came nearby.  He was ready to go.  Now it was time for us to let him go.

Before they took him, I sat beside him in the children’s playroom.  He was curled next to the love seat while the kids were upstairs bathing.  In the past, he would have licked my hand, or chewed on his paw – a clear indication that he wanted more.  This evening he would just move his head away, so I stopped petting him.  I sat beside him and told him that it was okay to let go now, that soon he wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  I told him that he had been a good dog, that he had the softest ears that I had ever felt.  As I sat beside him and wept, my sister walked into the room.  She was the only that he allowed to touch him.  The brim of my hat covered my face as the tears streaked down my cheeks.  The only part of her I could see was her hand gently stroking his head.  I could hear her whisper  that it was okay, that soon he would be reunited with his playmate and they would run together, and that my grandmother would be taking care of the both of them, and he would be happy. 

More than anything I want to believe that.  I can see the image so clearly of the 2 of them running through a meadow, chasing each other and tumbling to the ground while my grandmother walks alongside them.  The hard part is that I don’t believe it any of it – I know it is just a fantasy of mine.  I want it so badly for to be true, it would be so much easier to let him go if I could believe it.  But I don’t believe in an after life, in heaven, or hell, or any of it. 

What I do know is that in his place there is now a void.  One that will never be filled. 

 In the past, when someone new has come into my life, I had always wondered if there was anyway to predict how long we would be in each other’s lives, and under what circumstances we would say good bye.  Knowing how painful the departure was, would I still be willing to let this other in my life? 

I had forgotten how painful this part was.   There is a lump lodged in my throat.  My eyes are red and sting from crying.  My heart hurts.

May he rest  in peace, and may we always remember what he brought to our lives.

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12 Responses to “Tonight We Said Goodbye”

  1. Wynn January 26, 2009 at 6:32 am #

    I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. Reading the post I started crying myself halfway into it, I guess the pain of lost family beloved pets is near the surface as I have lost way too many the last years. I truly understand how it feels and the only, but surely at least a little comforting, ease is that he is no longer in pain or suffering.

    Weird blogger person e-hug from me.

  2. Some Guy January 26, 2009 at 7:54 am #

    My sympathies, Catherinette, to you and your family.

  3. Liz3.57 January 26, 2009 at 8:24 am #

    It is never easy to lose someone you love. Thank you for sharing these moments with us.

  4. Jess January 26, 2009 at 8:33 am #

    I hope you can take solace in the fact that so many know what you are going through and our hearts go out to you and your family in this time of sorrow. I feel bad for people who’ve never known the love of a pet and can’t understand how a part of yourself dies when you let them go.

  5. SouthernBelle January 26, 2009 at 11:46 am #

    It’s not fair, is it? I’m glad you were able to be with him at the end.

  6. Jill January 26, 2009 at 2:18 pm #

    (hugs) -its hard to lose a member of your family.

    And also- I believe in your fantasy. I just know that someday I will be rolling around with all my pets that have passed away. I refuse to believe that I wont ever see them again.

  7. Mike January 26, 2009 at 5:27 pm #

    Very sad for you.

  8. Do You Hear Voices? January 26, 2009 at 8:54 pm #

    Oh God, that’s SO SAD. I’m sorry.

  9. kristina January 27, 2009 at 12:50 pm #

    Couldn’t read past the first line as I was going to ball my eyes out (and still might!).

    My thoughts are with you and your family…

  10. Bob Dobalina January 30, 2009 at 6:49 pm #

    Love and hugs to you and yours. I’ve had to say goodbye to several pets and it never gets easier.

  11. Dani February 2, 2009 at 10:29 pm #

    I am sorry about your loss.

  12. Catherinette February 3, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

    I just wanted to say a little thank you to everyone who sent along their well wishes. -CS

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