Archive | 11:36 pm

Tonight We Said Goodbye

25 Jan

I was at dinner with Foxy when my sister called me to tell me it was time.  Over the course of the weekend, he had been getting worse and worse.  He stopped eating on Friday.  On Saturday the only thing he wanted was to crawl into the children’s playhouse outside – something he had never done before.  Today he stopped lifting his head when anyone came nearby.  He was ready to go.  Now it was time for us to let him go.

Before they took him, I sat beside him in the children’s playroom.  He was curled next to the love seat while the kids were upstairs bathing.  In the past, he would have licked my hand, or chewed on his paw – a clear indication that he wanted more.  This evening he would just move his head away, so I stopped petting him.  I sat beside him and told him that it was okay to let go now, that soon he wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  I told him that he had been a good dog, that he had the softest ears that I had ever felt.  As I sat beside him and wept, my sister walked into the room.  She was the only that he allowed to touch him.  The brim of my hat covered my face as the tears streaked down my cheeks.  The only part of her I could see was her hand gently stroking his head.  I could hear her whisper  that it was okay, that soon he would be reunited with his playmate and they would run together, and that my grandmother would be taking care of the both of them, and he would be happy. 

More than anything I want to believe that.  I can see the image so clearly of the 2 of them running through a meadow, chasing each other and tumbling to the ground while my grandmother walks alongside them.  The hard part is that I don’t believe it any of it – I know it is just a fantasy of mine.  I want it so badly for to be true, it would be so much easier to let him go if I could believe it.  But I don’t believe in an after life, in heaven, or hell, or any of it. 

What I do know is that in his place there is now a void.  One that will never be filled. 

 In the past, when someone new has come into my life, I had always wondered if there was anyway to predict how long we would be in each other’s lives, and under what circumstances we would say good bye.  Knowing how painful the departure was, would I still be willing to let this other in my life? 

I had forgotten how painful this part was.   There is a lump lodged in my throat.  My eyes are red and sting from crying.  My heart hurts.

May he rest  in peace, and may we always remember what he brought to our lives.