Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You

21 Jan

woman shouting

My family and I have this warped tendency to talk to one another on a daily basis. In fact, on most days, I talk to both my mother and sister multiple times a day. My sister will call me at work when she’s bored, and I call her on my drive home to find out how Damien and Lucy(fer) tortured her that day. My mother usually calls me at work, and then when she gets home from work. The conversations usually consist of nothing interesting, and there are few that really stand out.

By the time that I get home from work, I’ve had it and don’t usually feel like chatting about nothing at work. All I want to do is watch reruns of Law & Order: SVU, surf porn on the internet, and stuff my face with junk food. These are important things and I don’t have time to listen to my mother rattle on about how one of her dogs keeps going outside, then scratches on the door to come back inside, goes to drink water, then scratches on the door to go outside, only to come back and scratch at the door to be let in and how the door is all scratched up and she’s going to have to hire someone to paint it and it’s really cold outside and can I please help her order some office supplies online and what time is House on tonight and there’s the dog scratching at the door today and what are your plans for this week and why didn’t you answer when I called you 60 times at work and now I have to let the dog out. I’m busy, god damn it!

When I don’t feel like being on the phone, I’m pretty clear about it. As a matter of fact, when she called yesterday evening, she even ended the first call of the night with, “I can tell you don’t want to talk right now. I’ll just call you tomorrow.” It turns out that by “tomorrow” she meant “in five minutes.”

We’re in the process of figuring out where we’re going to stay for our summer vacation, and she decided that she wanted to figure it all out yesterday-after I told her that I wasn’t in the mood. She literally called me 8 times in 45 minutes. I almost killed her. Which one are we going to stay in? And where is it located? And how many bedrooms does it have? And how far away from the beach is it? And do you remember which one had the hot tub? What about the one that’s on the island? Maybe we should stay there. But it’s too expensive so let’s look at another one. And someone emailed me about my dating profile and he seems really nice. What do you think about the house on the island? Do you think it’s too expensive?

If I wasn’t so lazy, I would have driven to her house to beat her with the phone.

I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t I just not answer the phone, right? It’s not that simple. If I don’t answer the phone then she thinks that I’ve been hurt. That means that she’ll call an extra 10 times and she might even show up at my door and then proceed to lecture me for causing so much concern. Last time I checked, I was old enough to live on my own. Maybe she didn’t get the memo.

I’d tell you more of the story, but she just called me on my damn work phone. As a matter of fact, I have her on hold so I can finish typing this. She wants to know if green tea has caffeine. Oh, and would you look at that? My other line is ringing and it’s my sister calling…

Now go check out The Catherinette Chronicles to queck out what my nephew’s first written word was. 

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14 Responses to “Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You”

  1. That damn expat January 21, 2009 at 11:26 am #

    This one struck home because my mom is the same way.
    Only, we live on different continents. And she can’t, for the life of her, figure out why her phone bill is so high.

    Wow, she’s really special too! -CS

  2. Del-V January 21, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    I won’t talk to my family for weeks and when I do talk to them we talk for two or three hours at a time. It becomes more and more of a chore to talk to them… so I put it off for another week.

    I’d totally take the same route but she would show up at my house because she’d think I was dead.

    BT dubs, where are you taking me for restaurant week? -CS

  3. Teri January 21, 2009 at 11:34 am #

    MY GOD, I would have killed myself long ago. Jesus! Do these folks understand that you work and have a life and can’t or don’t want to talk on the phone every five minutes about nonsense?

    OH, that’s right, you’re a glutton for punishment. Never mind. : P

    You see, neither of them has a life so they don’t understand what it’s like to have one. -CS

  4. Mella January 21, 2009 at 11:40 am #

    I once decided to take my 29 year old, divorced, mother of two self out with the girls after work to karaoke. Had a few drinks, came home around 2am.

    Mom had called TWELVE times, each message with increasing agitation. Then there was a message from a friend who lives nearby.

    Apparently, when Mom couldn’t ‘find’ me, she panicked and decided to call a friend, to get her to knock on my apartment window…

    What is it about mothers that make them freak out like that and think that we must have been bludgeoned in our own homes? -CS

    ARGH.

  5. AlwaysAllah January 21, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    My Fiance’s family is like that and it drives me nuts! The sad thing is that he’s totally down with it! If he doesn’t call his parents once a day they call us in a panic wondering if there is something wrong…I’m sure if something was wrong we would have called!

    I’m guessing you’re going to have even more fun when you guys have kids. Have fun! -CS

  6. jon January 21, 2009 at 12:08 pm #

    Communication is vital to setting the rules and agenda for life long family relations. Calling often to be sure that each other knows every last little thing that is annoying about him/her and you is absolutely key. Be brave, or be scarce Catherinette.

    So…does green tea have caffine? Nevermind, I’ll call you.

    I can’t be scarce or she’ll come and get me.

    As a matter of fact, it does. Which I have told her at least 10 times. -CS

  7. kristina January 21, 2009 at 12:25 pm #

    Although my family is what we would consider to be close, I would kill any one of them for calling me that often. I generally speak no more than once a week with my mom on the phone, and maybe once a month with my brother – email (especially jokes) happens far more often, so any minor stuff is “chatted” about then.

    Is it too late to disown them? Threaten to change all of your numbers and not tell them the new ones?

    It’s too late now. They’ll hunt me down. Plus I’d be written out of the will. -CS

  8. Mo January 21, 2009 at 1:14 pm #

    Holy crap, I think we have the same mother. In my last job where I had my own office it was like an open invitation to call all day every day. No topic was too big or too small to discuss. Now I share and office and have managed to set some boundaries with her calling here. But then I’m expected to call every night on my way home and if I don’t, well, then the phone starts ringing. “Where are you? What are you doing? Why didn’t you call?”

    This weekend I sort of checked out and didn’t call or answer her messages. By Monday, the full-on panic set in. When I finally called her back she was upset because what if I were dead?

    Oddly, she doesn’t find it funny when I tell her that my husband would call if I were.

    it’s exhausting.

    Of course she was mad at you! Don’t you realize how irresponsible you were being by letting her dream up these ridiculous fantasies of hers? If you were a good daughter, you never would have done that to her.

    Your mom and my mom should get together and plot against us. -CS

  9. Jormengrund January 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm #

    I’m lucky.

    I don’t get along with my mom, my dad doesn’t initiate contact unless I call him for something, and only talks then if my mom says he can.

    My brother is a deadbeat, and rarely calls because his phone is usually disconnected, so I get relative peace and quiet on my end.

    My wife, however, is CONSTANTLY on the phone..

    It’s a damn good thing we’ve got shareable minutes on our cell phone plans, otherwise I’d be paying an assload of cash just to pay for the overages she uses!

    If you want, I can get my mom to start harrassing you. Actually, you’d be doing me a favor as I don’t think she’d have the energy to harrass the both of us equally which means she’d have to spread her attentions. -CS

  10. Red January 21, 2009 at 3:29 pm #

    yeah, I’m on the “about once a week” schedule with my folks. My brothers and I talk when we get around to it. I have an aunt and uncle, a godmother, and a cousin that I get along with well, and we talk on the phone when we feel like it, which is probably once every 4-8 weeks. I can’t imagine being part of a family that’s so high maintenance.

    Does this mean you don’t want us to adopt you? -CS

  11. The ambiguous blob January 21, 2009 at 4:52 pm #

    My mother, my sister, and I text every few days. We talk on the phone every couple of weeks. We see each other when we have time. Which is not often.
    This is how I like it. I coudn’t stand to talk to them several times a day. That would totally cramp my style even though I love them super a lot.

    I’m impressed that your mother knows how to text. My mom has sent only one in her life. It said, “wow”. That’s all she could figure out how to do. -CS

  12. Del-v January 21, 2009 at 9:37 pm #

    Ixia!

    Hurray! -CS

  13. pistols at dawn January 22, 2009 at 12:05 am #

    Wow. I feel strangled by this neediness and it’s not even invading my phone.

    But it could. I could totally give her your number. -CS

  14. Cosmo January 22, 2009 at 4:08 pm #

    At least she isn’t texting you 300 times a day! Then if you don’t respond IMMEDIATLY she calls your cell… then your home…then work…then your co-worker…your neighbor’s dog…ect

    Oh God, I don’t think I could take that. Thank the lord she has no idea how to text!! -CS

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