Archive | 8:00 am

Drunk Richard’s Disastrous Flirting “Techniques”

15 Jan

Drunk Guy

The other night I went downtown with Lola and Mr. Dirty Ruddy Sailor for Happy Hour. It was the first weekend of the new year, and we felt that it was an occasion to celebrate (i.e. get all Boozy Suzy and make some bad decisions). We chose a cheesy bar with great drinks. Happy Hour ended up extending itself until 2 in the morning. God, I love it when that happens.

When I arrived at the bar, Lola was seated next to some tool that was trying a very intriguing flirting technique: he was hitting on her while complaining about his girlfriend. Let’s call him Drunk Richard (I think you know where I’m going with this).

  • Drunk Richard: She’s cheating on me! (Only it sounded more like, “Thee’s sheeting ohn me.”)
  • Lola: Cath, what do you think? [clearly trying to drag me under the bus with her]
  • Me: What’s your proof?
  • Drunk Richard: This afternoon when she was in the bathroom, I went through her purse, and took her phone. She had deleted all of her outgoing text messages, but not the incoming ones.
  • Me: First of all, you shouldn’t be going through her things.
  • Drunk Richard: But she’s cheating on me!
  • Me: Don’t interrupt me. Second, what you saw on her phone doesn’t mean anything. I do that all of the time, and I’m not dating anyone.
  • Lola: That’s what I said too.
  • Drunk Richard: But why would you delete the messages?
  • Me: Because they take up too much room on my phone.
  • Lola: Exactly!
  • Drunk Richard: Oh. But I know she’s cheating.
  • Lola: So what are you going to do about it?
  • Drunk Richard: I’m going to get drunk, and then go home and pass out. And we’re supposed to go out to dinner with friends tonight.
  • Lola: That’s a choice. [rolls her eyes]
  • Drunk Richard: I hate her. That color looks really nice on you. Let’s do shots. Can I buy you a shot?

Umm…what the hell was that about? I’ve never quite seen a “technique” like this before. Clearly the odds were not in his favor, but he wouldn’t back down.

  1. He was clearly 3 sheets to the wind and he was hitting on someone that was clearly sober.
  2. He was bitching about his girlfriend. Last time I checked, many girls don’t tend to want to date someone that already has a girlfriend. Now, I know there are some exceptions, but as a general rule, when a guy mentions “girlfriend”, “fiancé” or “wife” most of us will tune out.
  3. Did I mention who drunk he was?

Drunk Richard went back and forth between hitting on Lola, and talking about what a bitch his girlfriend was for cheating on him. It still boggles my mind that he actually thought that Lola might be interested in him. Yet he pressed on with how maturely he was handling it. Assuming that you consider picking a fight about a refrigerator, then storming out of the house to get drunk, just so you can go home and pass out at 8:00 as mature. That was his plan for the day.

I’m still wondering what he thought Lola would do with this information. Did he honestly believe that she would say to him, “You know what, Drunk Richard? You’re a really good guy, and your girlfriend shouldn’t cheat on you. Come home with me and let’s make some sweet love.” After all, isn’t that cheating? So was he just looking for a revenge tryst to get back at the girlfriend that was probably not cheating?

About 30 minutes later, the guy next to me tapped me on the arm and said, “Excuse me, my friend wants to know if your dimples are real.” It was at this point that I threw Lola under the bus and made her listen to Drunk Richard’s stories about his ex-girlfriend while he tried to make passes at Lola.

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