Archive | December, 2008

My Christmas Wish for You: Suck It and Choke On It

22 Dec

I’m sorry!  Okay??  I’m sorry that I have a life to lead and wasn’t updating you quickly enough on the breaking news I mentioned last week.  I’m sorry.  Forgive me.  Here’s your stinking story.  Let me start off by thanking each and everyone one of you that has HOUNDED me to finish the story. Oh, it’s a good one. Might I suggest that you grab yourself a drink and/or a snack and get comfortable. Ready? Here we go…

It’s been over a year since we saw each other. As a matter of fact, the last time we were together was when he was whispering sweet nothings into my mouth as we were making out in a bar parking lot (click here if you need the back story). Since that time, I found out that he had met a girl. I found out in March of this year when he came home for a visit. A bunch of us were supposed to meet up for Happy Hour, and one of my friends casually mentioned that he had brought his girlfriend with him. I decided that I would go ahead and skip the reunion. F the two of them. Now I’m kind of kicking myself because I probably would have found out that they had been together while he and I had hit it 6 ways from Sunday back on 07/07/07 and when we were making out in my car on Skanksgiving weekend. Several months later they were engaged-I found out when he updated his status on facebook.

But no! Instead, I found out when he sent me my Christmas card this year. Last year he had incuded some hot pictures of himself, this year it was a picture of him and his bride to be, plus the letter. He’s one of those douchey tool bags guys that sends a type written note updating the free world about what’s happened in the last year. He started off with the “exciting” news about the engagement (gag) and how he had tied the ring around his cat’s neck and the cat had gone over to her with the ring. I should have known when he told me he had cats that it would never work. I’m a dog person. Cat and dog people just aren’t meant to be. Gag me with the rest of the story about their stupid engagement and how happy they both are and how they’re getting married next summer. Gag.

On and on he blathered about love and blah, blah, snore, and then it got to the good part. “It’s been an exciting time for us since we started dating in March of 07…” March of 07?? That’s 4 months before he put his peen inside me!! I guess when he told me he was “single” he meant, “dating someone and I’m not going to tell you.” That dick!! Oh, but wait. It gets better. He continued with, “We also are very excited about our new home here in Douche City, which we bought at the end of last year.” The end of last year?? You mean the house that you were buying TWO DAYS AFTER you kissed me in the car and told me how nice it was to see me?? Wow, super dick!!

Look, I’m going to be honest with you: I’ve cheated on a boyfriend and I’ve been cheated on. It’s no good, I know it. Here’s the deal-when I was the other woman, at least they were up front with me. Sure, they were disrespecting their relationships, but that was on their shoulders. At the point I am in my life now, I don’t think I’d go down that road again. If he had told me that he was dating someone and buying a house with her I would have walked away. He took that option away from me when he lied to my face. TWICE. All this time I thought I knew this guy. I never in a million years would have thought him the type. Okay, cheat, whatever, none of my business-unless you drag me into this mess, in which case it’s totally my business. Man, I feel sorry for his bride to be.

So he lied, he made me the other woman, and it all came out in a Christmas card. A very Merry Christmas to you too. Why bother sending the god damned card? He better f’ing think twice if he’s thinking about sending me an invitation to that sham of a wedding.

Pretty sure that Santa is going to bring him a big fat lump of coal this year. And maybe an STD. Which he totally deserves.

I’m A Nervous Wreck

20 Dec

I can feel myself starting to sweat a little bit,  and my cheeks are starting to flush.  No, I didn’t just work out.  And no, I didn’t just climb off of some hot bachelor.

How on God’s green earth did I got myself into this is a mess.  Oh, that’s right, I live in a smaller town than I thought I did.  In less thatn 2 hours, I’ll be heading downtown to a party at 3D’s friends’ house-with his ex girlfriend.

When we were still together, I met a handful of his friends at a happy hour.  I imagine that after our relationship went to shit, he told them all that I was a horrible person, a crazy heartless bitch who shattered his fragile heart into one million billion tiny pieces.  Like most friends do in the midst of a breakup, I’m sure that they all agreed that I was a terrible person and swore to give me dirty looks if they ever saw me again.  This is what friends are supposed to do-take your side and always hate the ex.

Tonight I’m going to be standing in a room with all of these people.  I imagine walking into the party, the music coming to a stop, and everyone whispering things to one another as they shoot death stares my way.  Eventually the music comes back on, but I can hear people saying, “What is SHE doing here?” or “She has some nerve showing her face around here.”  Then, when I ask the hostess for a drink, I imagine her pouring me a cocktail, and then spitting into the cup right in front of me.

Thank God I’m not a drama queen or anything…

But if he walks into that house at any point that I’m there, there’s going to be some major ass drama.  And with the shitastic year that I’ve had, it’s not something that I’d expect not to happen.  That’s just what I need to end my year, a confrontation with 3D at party.

Oh, God.  I think I’d rather get struck by a bus than have to deal with that.

No F’ing Way Friday (12/19/08)

19 Dec

I don’t know about you, but a bugged eyed freak with yellowing teeth who looks like he has a meth problem doesn’t appeal to me as someone I’d like to get naked with.

What say you about today’s pick: Steve Buscemi

steve_buscemi

Have you noticed that he ALWAYS looks like he’s been up for 24 hours.  How does someone sustain a look like that?  Better yet, how does someone make that into a bankable look?  Yuck.  I’ve seen male porn stars that are better looking than this guy.  Ugh, yuck.

The man lives in Hollywood.  He gets paid good money.  What on earth could he be spending it on that’s more important than getting his jacked up mouth fixed?  For the love, man!!  Fix that disgusting yellow snaggle tooth.  Every single time I see him acting in something I feel like the snaggle tooth is actually talking to me.  It’s whispering creepy things like, “Hey, Cath, I’m going to get you…”

Protected: Celebrating 100 Days Without Peen!

18 Dec

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Hooking Up With a Coworker: What You Need to Consider

18 Dec

playing footsies

Last week we started discussing the ups and many downs of dating a coworker. Sure, there are benefits to being able to swoon at work over your new significant other. There are also the drawbacks of having to see them if the relationship falls apart. Nothing like trying to hold back your tears in a meeting with him and the rest of the office the day after you’ve been dumped for the new girl in the cafeteria.

Some of you might not be swayed by the heartache, public humiliation, and potential joblessness that may be a result of a tawdry romp in the copy room with that hotty hot new employee that knows how to wear his suit just right. If you decide that your coworker is just too good to pass up, here are some things you’ll want to take into consideration before proceeding:

  1. Are you both on the same page?  Sometimes you’re not quite sure what the other person is thinking.  Is he asking you out because he wants to get to know you better and potentially pursue something more?  Or is he asking you out because you look hot in that skirt and he wants to see it crumbled up in a heap on his bedroom floor?  Dating can be hard enough; it’s even more difficult at work.  If you’re taking the leap, you better be sure that you both are very clear on what you both want.  Communication is key here.  If you jump into this and one of you wants something more than the other, it can make your work life a living hell.  Go ahead and try to get your project completed when the one you’ve spurned is the one responsible for delivering some of the key information that you need.  Let me know how that turns out.
  2. Loose lips sink ships.  I’m a girl.  I have a big mouth.  So big that the free world knows about it when I have a new love interest.  This doesn’t work in the office.  The last thing that your boss wants to hear is that you just slept over at your coworker’s for the first time and he made you breakfast.  What do you think your boss is going to start wondering the next time he sees you talking to him by the water cooler?  “Are they getting their work done or are they too busy playing grab ass?” that’s what your boss is thinking.  Until you know the status of the relationship, keep it to yourselves.  That means that you need to:
  3. Validate your coworker can keep a secret. There’s a young man that works in my office who is divine.  He is truly a gift from God and one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  He uses his good looks and charm to get into the pants of all the good looking new girls.  How do I know?  Because he can’t keep his mouth shut.  Know the sad part?  These girls don’t know that he’s running off his mouth about how they all moaned his name at one point or other.  I’m sure they’ll have a wonderful time trying to get promoted when their boss is too busy picturing them in flagrante with this “gentlemen.”  These girls were too swept away by his charms to do their homework.  As fiery hot as this guy is, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole because I don’t want it broadcast to everyone in the office. 
  4. Perception is critical.  It can be very difficult to establish yourself as a credible professional in your organization.  It doesn’t matter whether you did something or not.  What matters is what other people – especially those that have the power to dictate the future of your career – believe that you did.  Is it BS?  Sure it is, but guess what?  That’s too bad.  It’s the way things are and you, along with everyone else, has to learn to deal with it.  All of this gets so foggy when you find someone that you want to be with.  You have to keep this in the back of your mind: if the coworker walks away, what are you left with and what are people going to think about you? 

Dating is always risky business.  If it wasn’t, then there wouldn’t be Romeo and Juliet; Pride & Prejudice; Bridget Jones; blah, blah, etc. snore. The key point to remember is that when you date someone you work with you are potentially risking your career and/or your professional appearance.  In some cases, it’s worth the risk.  I have plenty of friends that met their spouses at work.  I also have plenty of friends that have found themselves cleaning up a sorry mess after a relationship with a coworker went straight into the toilet.

Consider yourselves warned.

What else do you think is important to consider before getting involved with a coworker?

BREAKING NEWS!!!

17 Dec

This just in: apparently, I was the other woman! 

Know how I found out?  In a god damned Christmas card.  And a very Merry Christmas to you too, Douche bag!

I’d write more but have to go out drinking with friends.  I promise to give you all the details later…

Protected: Checking Out Early

17 Dec

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