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Something to Believe In

25 Dec


My standard response when asked what’s on my Christmas wish list has become, “I want a man.” Everyone just chuckles, and says, “No. Really. What do you want?” The fact is, I don’t really need anything. My house is full of knick knacks, I can’t possibly fit another serving bowl in the pantry, and if someone gives me one more scented candle I will throw it at them. Please don’t even get me started on the blank photo albums.

What I really want, more than anything, is to wake up on Christmas morning and find my future (husband?) sitting underneath the Christmas tree.

My grandmother was a devout Catholic. There was a period in her life when she went to church every day. She raised my mother and my uncle to believe the teachings that she held so close to her heart. My mother hated being dragged to church and having those beliefs shoved down her throat. While my mother never attends church services, she still considers herself to be Catholic. When she enters a church, she will find the holy water, cross herself, and always lights a candle for the memory of my grandmother. When my sister and I were born, she decided that she would take a different route. Instead of choosing a religion for us, she allowed us to determine what we wanted for ourselves.

When I was younger, I tried to find a religion that fit me. I joined an Episcopalian youth group. I attended the Seder with my Jewish stepfather. Nothing ever felt right. It always felt like I was wearing someone else’s clothing. They just didn’t fit right. For me, the right choice with religion was no religion at all. I do not believe in God or the devil. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or the 7 deadly sins. I only go to church/synagogue for weddings, or funerals.

There is one thing, however, that I do believe in. That one thing is love.

As children, we’re told a slew of fairy tales of prince charming, the damsel in distress, true love, etc. We’re convinced that Prince Charming, clad in armor will show up on his trusty white steed to sweep us off our feet and we’ll ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. That we can bring that sleeping damsel back to life with true love’s kiss. I know those things don’t exist. I know that there will never be a white horse, a prince, or a ride into the sunset. But I do believe that there’s someone out there that’s right for me. For better or for worse, I have faith that he’s out there waiting for me.

Anyone that has a religion questions his faith at least once in his lifetime. I have my own questions about love. And I have doubts sometimes. Where is he? Why haven’t we found one another? Is there such thing as a soul mate? Will it last forever?

The answers don’t matter. What matters is the belief that there is someone out there. I have faith in that. Whether it lasts a lifetime or not doesn’t matter. What’s important is finding a match that will make my life better. That person that makes me catch my breath. That makes my knees buckle when he kisses me. The one whose body I can mold into.

I choose to believe. I have faith that he’s out there.

This Christmas, no matter what your religious beliefs, I wish one thing for you: may you find (at least once in your lifetime) that person that makes your toes curl, your heart beat faster, and your cheeks flash. May you find your happily ever after.

This story featured on Kizmeet