My Christmas Wish for You: Suck It and Choke On It

22 Dec

I’m sorry!  Okay??  I’m sorry that I have a life to lead and wasn’t updating you quickly enough on the breaking news I mentioned last week.  I’m sorry.  Forgive me.  Here’s your stinking story.  Let me start off by thanking each and everyone one of you that has HOUNDED me to finish the story. Oh, it’s a good one. Might I suggest that you grab yourself a drink and/or a snack and get comfortable. Ready? Here we go…

It’s been over a year since we saw each other. As a matter of fact, the last time we were together was when he was whispering sweet nothings into my mouth as we were making out in a bar parking lot (click here if you need the back story). Since that time, I found out that he had met a girl. I found out in March of this year when he came home for a visit. A bunch of us were supposed to meet up for Happy Hour, and one of my friends casually mentioned that he had brought his girlfriend with him. I decided that I would go ahead and skip the reunion. F the two of them. Now I’m kind of kicking myself because I probably would have found out that they had been together while he and I had hit it 6 ways from Sunday back on 07/07/07 and when we were making out in my car on Skanksgiving weekend. Several months later they were engaged-I found out when he updated his status on facebook.

But no! Instead, I found out when he sent me my Christmas card this year. Last year he had incuded some hot pictures of himself, this year it was a picture of him and his bride to be, plus the letter. He’s one of those douchey tool bags guys that sends a type written note updating the free world about what’s happened in the last year. He started off with the “exciting” news about the engagement (gag) and how he had tied the ring around his cat’s neck and the cat had gone over to her with the ring. I should have known when he told me he had cats that it would never work. I’m a dog person. Cat and dog people just aren’t meant to be. Gag me with the rest of the story about their stupid engagement and how happy they both are and how they’re getting married next summer. Gag.

On and on he blathered about love and blah, blah, snore, and then it got to the good part. “It’s been an exciting time for us since we started dating in March of 07…” March of 07?? That’s 4 months before he put his peen inside me!! I guess when he told me he was “single” he meant, “dating someone and I’m not going to tell you.” That dick!! Oh, but wait. It gets better. He continued with, “We also are very excited about our new home here in Douche City, which we bought at the end of last year.” The end of last year?? You mean the house that you were buying TWO DAYS AFTER you kissed me in the car and told me how nice it was to see me?? Wow, super dick!!

Look, I’m going to be honest with you: I’ve cheated on a boyfriend and I’ve been cheated on. It’s no good, I know it. Here’s the deal-when I was the other woman, at least they were up front with me. Sure, they were disrespecting their relationships, but that was on their shoulders. At the point I am in my life now, I don’t think I’d go down that road again. If he had told me that he was dating someone and buying a house with her I would have walked away. He took that option away from me when he lied to my face. TWICE. All this time I thought I knew this guy. I never in a million years would have thought him the type. Okay, cheat, whatever, none of my business-unless you drag me into this mess, in which case it’s totally my business. Man, I feel sorry for his bride to be.

So he lied, he made me the other woman, and it all came out in a Christmas card. A very Merry Christmas to you too. Why bother sending the god damned card? He better f’ing think twice if he’s thinking about sending me an invitation to that sham of a wedding.

Pretty sure that Santa is going to bring him a big fat lump of coal this year. And maybe an STD. Which he totally deserves.

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19 Responses to “My Christmas Wish for You: Suck It and Choke On It”

  1. Jane Moneypenyy December 22, 2008 at 6:07 pm #

    Wow, how is it possible we lead the same life?!

    Perhaps this guy just totally gets around? The world isn’t as big as we think. -CS

  2. uberfrau December 22, 2008 at 7:49 pm #

    ewwww. And knowing all of this, he still sent YOU the letter?
    He’s worse than a douchebag, he’s one of those colon bags.

    He sucks. He sucks dead dirty dogs. Down with him. -CS

  3. Dirty Pirate Hooker December 22, 2008 at 7:53 pm #

    Please tell me that you will be telling his bride to be??? Being that I am recently engaged, I would be fucking pissed if this were me!

    I don’t know the girl at all. I’d feel like some crazy lunatic calling her up and saying, “Hi, you don’t know me, but your now fiance f’ed me while you were dating. Oh, and we made out right before you 2 bought your house.” -CS

  4. Liz4.0 December 22, 2008 at 8:24 pm #

    wow, just wow. Not fetch whatsoever.

    Most certainly not fetch. Not even a teeny tiny bit. -CS

  5. SouthernBelle December 22, 2008 at 8:28 pm #

    What an a-hole.

    I hate to say this, but is it possible he gets off with so many other chicks that he literally forgot he got off with you and therefore didn’t think about sending you the mass update letter?

    Cos it’s either that or he figured this was the easiest way to let you know he’s not available “any more”. Maybe he thinks it’s not cheating until you’re married?

    I totally wouldn’t past him to just have forgotten about the whole thing. Both times.

    Lord only knows what could possibly going through his pea sized brain of his. -CS

  6. Belinda December 22, 2008 at 9:45 pm #

    OMG – What a dick! Did he get his bride-to-be to hand write your card too??

    Could you imagine?? Nay, her handwriting wasn’t on there. Though I guess she probably could have addressed the envelope. -CS

  7. KiKi December 22, 2008 at 10:16 pm #

    Ok, how much of an expired douchebag do I feel like for being one of those who hounded you?

    This story is all too familiar…I’m so sorry!

    He’s not a douche bag or a colon bag…he’s a shriveled up, skanky, cheesy, pimpled scrotum bag. Pardon my french.

    On a lighter note, yeah – I’ve gained 30 pounds on account of those cookies. My diet starts tomorrow.

    Come on, don’t feel bad. It’s a great freaking story!!

    And I’ve gained 30 pounds in the last 2 days. I’m so freaking full right now and totally ashamed of everything I’ve eaten in the last 2 days. TWSS. -CS

  8. Del-v December 23, 2008 at 7:22 am #

    Why would he send you a card telling you everything? It’s like when Dr. No tells James Bond his plans to take over the world. Either he’s an idiot or he wants you to stop his wedding.

    My guess is that he’s and idiot. -CS

  9. Boom December 23, 2008 at 8:19 am #

    What the F? Total notebook-lovin’ douche!

    I should have known way back when he told us that he cried when he saw the movie. -CS

  10. Amadeo December 23, 2008 at 9:32 am #

    Jesus Christ Monkey Balls. Wish herpes upon him.

    I’m also wishing some ED on him. May they have a wonderful time on their honeymoon. -CS

  11. Foxy Luv December 23, 2008 at 9:49 am #

    I think the worst part was sending you a freaking Christmas card. What was going through his mind as he was licking that envelope?

    He’s shameful and disgusting.

    Here’s the thing – that marriage is not going to last.

    The marriage will be like his erections: fleeting. -CS

  12. Linda December 23, 2008 at 10:02 am #

    What an ass! I love it though….you should send a risque picture of yourself to his new home saying….let’s repeat 7.7.07. Merry Christmas:)

    BWAHAHA! That would be hilarious! -CS

  13. Red December 23, 2008 at 11:00 am #

    I feel so bad for you, and worse for his fiancee.

    You can’t trust the hot ones.

    Then again, you can’t trust a lot of the not-so-hot ones, either.

    He is definitely one that no one should trust. I wonder if she knows what she’s getting herself into. -CS

  14. Bob Dobalina December 23, 2008 at 11:20 am #

    Linda has the right idea.. please do this.

    I think I might just send him a case of crabs instead. -CS

  15. mebeingrandom December 23, 2008 at 3:26 pm #

    wow!!! What a slimeball! You should edit the letter and “return to sender”! HA!

    Now that would be kind of funny too! -CS

  16. pistols at dawn December 23, 2008 at 3:28 pm #

    I’m still really unclear as to why he’d send you this letter. That seems like out and out douchebaggery, or the kind of sloppiness that gets most serial killers caught.

    I really have no idea why he did it. Maybe he thought I’d be too stupid to even notice the dates? I don’t know. Obviously I was stupid enough to hook up with him. More than once. -CS

  17. jon December 23, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Wanting to cheer you up. I been composing a litle holiday tune for you……tentatively titled “Merry Christmas to Me. Mama’s got Needs!”

    I am a reformed naughty girl after all. 🙂 -CS

  18. AC Siapno December 24, 2008 at 11:57 am #

    I wish I had words to make you feel better… All I can do is wish the curse on him that I wished on my ex when I found out he cheated on me… Which was when he moved out of our house and stole thousands of dollars from me… Blek to them!

    May they get chronic diarrhea whenever they get an erection.

    I’m satisfied in nowing that he has problems keeping it up. That brings a smile to my face. -CS

  19. Chef Green March 10, 2009 at 12:58 pm #

    Oh no ma’am! Notebook needs his pages ripped out, and this southern girl-boy will help you do it! (this came with the gay “Z-snap,” with which I am sure you are familiar)

    Perhaps we could reuse the pages for in lieu of some of those disgusting “alternative feminine devices” that you discussed earlier?

    I’m hopelessly addicted to your blog. I cant wait until I have to go back to work so I can stop reading it. You are the devil. But he’s far worse.

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