The Rules of a One Night Stand

4 Dec

There’s nothing quite like doing the dirty deed with a stranger.  Or with a friend.  Knowing that it will lead nowhere except to O-town.  There are those out there that look down upon the beauty of the One Night Stand (ONS), but I am not one of those individuals.  I do not look down on the ONS; instead I embrace it and jump on it any chance I get.  In fact, my first time was with a complete stranger-I knew him for 7 hours before giving up the goods.  Perhaps it was that experience at the tender age of 17 that left a positive impression.

Not all of my one nighters ran as smoothly as that first one.  Sure, there may have been a time when I thought it would lead to something more or perhaps my partner for the evening was under the same impression.  In the 18 years since my first sexual encounter, I’ve learned that there are certain rules of engagement that someone should follow.  The ONS is not for the faint of heart.  If you decide that you’re the type of person that can engage in such shenanigans, then these rules will help you make the most out of your tawdry romp:

  1. Leave Your Emotions at the Door. If there’s any chance that you are going to get emotionally involved, DO NOT PROCEED! A one night stand isn’t about emotions. It’s about sex. You’re basically using your partner in the place of a sex toy. Emotions don’t belong here. If there is the slightest chance that you’ll wake up the next morning thinking, “He did it because he loves me,” then you’re better off going home and doing whatever it is you do to get yourself off.
  2. No Slumber Parties. At the end of the encounter, someone better get up, get dressed and go home. Any sleep overs may lead to cuddling, and cuddling may lead to crazy thoughts that the person wants to cuddle because they like you. Sure, he or she has to like you enough to get naked and have a dirty wrestling match with you in the sheets (or the back of someone’s car). This doesn’t mean that he or she wants to date you. This rule is closely linked to rule #1. I avoid slumber parties like the plague. I have the perfect line for getting the guy out of my house. Feel free to use it as your own. Ready? Here it comes (that’s what she said), “You know what’s funny? I’ll be asleep by the time you get home.” Works like a charm. Every single time.
  3. Be Safe. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the other person. Perhaps you’ve known him or her for years and years. Perhaps you just met 15 minutes ago. Regardless, you have to be smart and protect yourself. I don’t want to hear that whole, “I hate condoms. It makes me lose feeling.” Forget that nonsense. Wouldn’t you rather lose a bit of sensation than wake up pregnant or with a giant genital wart on your goodies? That’s what I thought.
  4. Have Fun. Who cares what he or she thinks of you tomorrow morning? Live it up for once in your life! If you’ve always wanted to do it standing up in your bedroom closet, then here’s your chance. Grab the bull by the horns and have your way with your partner. Go, do it now.
  5. No Questions. Do not, under any circumstances ask the following question after you have completed the act: “What does this mean?” Or even worse, “When can we see each other again?” Other variations may include, “Can I call you?” Asking those questions will only serve to ruin the wonderful afterglow of meaningless sex. It’s called “meaningless” for a reason, and that reason is that it means nothing. It’s just two people (in some cases three or four) getting naked, tumbling in the sheets, and then going their separate ways. The only question you should even consider asking is, “Do you want to go again?” Got it? Good!

Now, go out there and get yourself some strange ass! But before you go, I’m dying to hear what other advice you might have for others that are interested in pursuing a one night stand. What would you suggest?

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16 Responses to “The Rules of a One Night Stand”

  1. Sam December 4, 2008 at 9:05 am #

    I used to be a big fan of the one night stand, my first one is still the best though! I’ve also had FBs, which when rules are clearly stated, can also be good fun.

    I guess the only rule I can think of is make sure you both know what it is. Unless this is clear, I usually don’t proceed.

    Great entry!

    That is an excellent rule! How could I have forgotten that one? -CS

  2. cinnkitty December 4, 2008 at 9:25 am #

    I don’t do one night stands. I can’t have good sex with someone that I barely know. And if it isn’t good for me, then what’s the freaking point? I could have just as good of a time with BoB. 🙂

    Then, my dear, I’ll just have to go out and do it for you. -CS

  3. evenrant December 4, 2008 at 9:31 am #

    In my experience, you have to watch out for the one out there that says their ok with it, but then after the magnanimous performance they want to stalk/date/marry you.

    Ah yes, those are so “super fun” to deal with. Kind of like sticking a needle in your eye. -CS

  4. Jormengrund December 4, 2008 at 9:45 am #

    So what you’re saying is that there are girl out there who LIKE non-commital sex?

    Why the hell wasn’t I able to find any of them when I was single?

    Now I’m kind of depressed..

    Well, not really, but it is a bit of a pisser….

    I heart non-commital sex. It’s hot. Did you not go to college? Because as I recall, ONS’s were a dime a dozen in school. Then again, maybe I went to school with a bunch of whores. -CS

  5. thatgirl December 4, 2008 at 10:12 am #

    oh i love it!! there are just some people that you can have great sex with … but a relationship … yeah … “ok, get outta my bed please, go home, thanks!!”

    A girl after my own heart. -CS

  6. Newmie December 4, 2008 at 10:55 am #

    I haven’t even read the rest of this post, I just wanted to compliment you on how your rack looks in the accompanying headless picture. Is that sweater the secret to your success? If so, maybe I should get a sweater like it.

    Really? You think it looks nice? I think that it’s smashed up against Un-boyfriend and I would never ever wear that sweater out on the prowl. -CS

  7. Augusto December 4, 2008 at 11:17 am #

    I’ve enjoyed a noteworthy number of one-night stands successfully with the sleepover and a morning reprise.

    No further ramifications. But I agree, in general, up and gone is usually the best course of action.

    I don’t care for awkward mornings. I like to pass on those, but I do know plenty of people that enjoy the sleep over. -CS

  8. SouthernBelle December 4, 2008 at 12:37 pm #

    I never did have a ONS, before I got married I was a lot more prudey than I am now. I don’t know if it’s from just straight growing up, having more confidence or what. If I was single, but the person I am now, I’m sure I would find this advice useful
    ; )

    PS – Come play my comments-based game on my blog today!

    You were robbed and I LOVED the game you had going on, but couldn’t think of anything for the last comment when I looked yesterday. I’m going back to check it out right now. -CS

  9. kristina December 4, 2008 at 1:32 pm #

    While never able to do the ONS myself, I totally admire those that do, and I’m sure these rules would greatly help.

    Damn, I’m so boring… well, except that the boyfriend is so good at it, I don’t feel the need to get rid of him and then have to try to find a good one for a ONS…

    Thanks for rubbing it in. That’s what she said. -CS

  10. jon December 4, 2008 at 1:52 pm #

    It’s hard……..NOT to be concerned.

    But what wold you be concerned about? This is kind of like a public service. I’m educating the people. -CS

  11. Acorn King December 4, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

    I bring a mannequin to all ONS. It serves as a sly exit strategy for me, it’s just a bit awkward and creepy carrying it around in the bar with me before.

    I can’t imagine how you would use the mannequin to help with the exit strategy. -CS

  12. Loose Cannon December 4, 2008 at 4:16 pm #

    You need to credit Dane Cook for the ONS reference — but since he’s been a no talent ass clown for the last few years (directly after releasing Retaliation and his ego raged out of control) — don’t worry about it.

    So what you’re saying is that you’re a big fan of his? -CS

  13. The Other Red December 4, 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    Making sure to collect all your belongings is key. I left my ID at at ONS’s place once. Man, did that suck.

    Excellent list/tip/whatever.

    I’m sure it wasn’t awkward at all when you had to go back and get it. -CS

  14. Newmie December 5, 2008 at 2:57 pm #

    I think the left one looks nice.:) The right one is smashed. I am just here to help.

    I should take you out with me where ever I go so you can let me know how my boobies look. -CS

  15. tinytatts May 7, 2012 at 9:02 am #

    helpful tips. I have big commitment issues but love the ONS.

  16. Lola September 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    So true, except for the note on sleeping over.
    Last time I had a one night stand, we woke up, all cuddled up together and we kissed all morning long. It makes it a lot let akward and kissing and cuddling after the actual act does not necessarily mean that you mix emotions into your perfect fuck.

    But then again, it depends on the person you’ve just slept with and yourself.

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