Kissing Frogs

20 Nov

kiss-frog

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you’ll find your prince.” That’s what a friend of the family used to tell me when I was a teenager. Here I am some 15 years later, and I’ve made my way through quite a large number of frogs. Yet I keep going back for more in hopes of finding that prince of mine. We’re raised to believe that that there’s someone out there waiting for us. Scratch that, not someone, but THE ONE. Our better half. Our soul mate. But how do you know when you’ve found him or her? There are some people that believe that you just know when you’ve found THE ONE. You will feel it! The the planets to align, the Heavens to open up, the angels to sing, the seas to part.

There has only been one person (so far) that I thought was THE ONE. He was it, I was certain of it. I dated Mr. Big X for nearly 2 years. He’s the one that I would describe as THE ex. He’s the one that set the standard, the one that each new potential beau is compared to. I thought we would end up married. I thought he was the father of my children. Alas, things didn’t quite work out as I had anticipated. Perhaps I should have known from that first kiss how things would wind up.

By the time the first kiss came along, we had known each other for about 18 months, and I had been crushing on him for about 18 months. I would pine away for him and clutch my pillow at night pretending it was him. I’d find stupid reasons to walk past his desk during the day at work. We would hang out at happy hour and I would flirt with him. I guess sometimes he’d flirt back with me, but I could never tell if he was being nice to me or if he was interested. I clearly remember one occasion when we were out at a bar, and there were 4 of us talking about hot female celebrities. His friend had mentioned some young starlet with a rocking hot body. Mr. Big X turned to me and said, “I don’t care for those girls. They’re too skinny. I like full figured girls.” I had to walk away because all I could thing to myself was, “He just called me fat.”

On the fateful day of our first kiss, we found ourselves with my sister and a friend on a boat enjoying the fine summer day. The day had been perfect! We had spent the day flirting with one another and I had a feeling that he might ask me out. When he drove me home that night, and asked if he could come up to my apartment, I was positive that he just needed to use the bathroom. Once upstairs, something changed. Gone was his cool confidence-in its place was some kind of false charm. It’s kind of difficult to describe. Kind of like when you first meet someone and they seem very nice, then the second they find out that you’re in the market for a car, they suddenly transform into the stereotypical cheesy car salesman. That’s what it was like with him. He fed me cheesy lines like: “You’re such a great girl,” and “You’d be so fun to date.” I half expected him to pull out a chart showing a graph of the features and benefits of dating him. After about 15 minutes of him feeding me cheesy lines, he asked me out. Without making a scene, or wetting myself from sheer excitement, I said yes. I’m happy to say that he didn’t notice my voice shaking; at least I’m pretty sure he didn’t.

He then placed his right hand on my left thigh and asked, “Can I kiss you?” He tried to make this sound natural, but it came across as so awkward. Who the hell asks that question these days? I struggled to control my eyes from rolling. ”Sure,” I answered casually. I didn’t know what to do; he was sitting kind of far away from me. In my experience, when I was about to kiss someone, our faces were already near one another’s – not 2 feet apart. I leaned down and placed my glasses on the table, not knowing whether I should move closer to him or wait for him to close the 2 feet of distance between us. When I straightened up, he began moving his face towards mine. In the 5 seconds it took for him to bring his lips to mine, I remember feeling so nervous, and not knowing where to look or if I should just close my eyes.

I was expecting fireworks. I was expecting trumpets. I was expecting the planets to align, the Heavens to open up, the angels to sing, the seas to part. Instead, I got a wah wah wah. The kiss was not what I had imagined – what I had hoped for. BAM! Our lips met and he was suddenly darting his tongue in and out of my mouth like a snake. He was moving it in and out so quickly that I started to get nauseated. I backed away for a second to see if I could somehow get him to take it easy, or to try to kill his little snake imitation. No such luck. He grabbed the back of my head, and proceeded to shove his tongue half way down my throat. I’m surprised I didn’t choke and die right then and there.

Next thing I knew I was on my back, he was climbing on top of me, and he had 8 hands – 2 of which were up my shirt as I struggled for breath. I managed to wedge both my hands between us and shove him off of me. Unfortunately, I shoved a little too hard and he ended up falling off the couch, and smacking his head on the table. He managed to stay conscious and I managed to keep his tongue out of my throat for the rest of the evening. I considered backing out of the date, until I went to work the following day. There was a single white rose on my desk and a note from Mr. Big X. And that was the beginning of our relationship. A relationship that ended in tears and 2 broken hearts.

To this day I wonder if I should have known from that first kiss that he was actually a snake. Can a first kiss tell you whether the journey you’re about to embark on is something significant or just a booty call? Can it tell you if the person you’re with is THE ONE or just someone?

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19 Responses to “Kissing Frogs”

  1. Wontletlifedefineme / Marjolein November 20, 2008 at 8:29 am #

    I think first kisses can tell a lot. The first time I kissed my boyfriend it left my lips all tingly, which had never happened with other guys I kissed.

    I think the deal with knowing if you’ve found the right partner is that you know you’ll have to compromise and you don’t even mind. That’s always a good sign.

    Oh! Tingly! That sounds really good. Did you want to send him over to my hotel room to see if I get the same sensation? -CS

  2. Cat November 20, 2008 at 8:33 am #

    Honestly, I can’t even remember the first kiss between my prince and me. Perhaps because it was followed so quickly by the first other thing. You know the first thing that any self respecting single girl waits 3 dates for. I do remember the first conversation, and I will tell it was sort of like the whole angels singing which was weird because I was definitely not expecting that.

    That’s too bad you don’t remember. Hey, if it makes you feel better, I don’t remember the first time that he and I kissed either. -CS

  3. Jormengrund November 20, 2008 at 9:36 am #

    You forgot something basic in that line..

    KISS a lot of frogs..

    not Sleep or have sex with a lot of frogs..

    Silly, silly girl!

    Hey, sometimes you have to f some frogs too. It happens… -CS

  4. Amadeo November 20, 2008 at 9:45 am #

    No tester tongue…you know that little slip of tongue you use to see if it will be met? Dude did a Jabba the Hutt….even if a person looks good, Jabba-tongue can ruin everything.

    Jabba tongue is punishable by death. -CS

  5. Tracy November 20, 2008 at 10:19 am #

    The following makes me sound like a heartless slut, but what can I say? After my own bunch of frogs, I stick to a few rules. I have two ways to tell if a dude has potential once I decide I like their personality well enough to consider dating them. And since the first experience you have on a date is the car ride to wherever you’re going, I start there. How do they drive? Are they conservative? Reckless? Too fast or refuses to pass the slow car in front of us? I’ve learned men that drive like they are retirees are usually bad lovers. Aggressive, determined, good reflexes behind the wheel equals my kind of lover. To me, nothing is worse than a hesitant man in bed. Second, if they can’t turn me on with a kiss, forget it. I figure if they can’t get the kiss right, no way will they do it for me in bed. No second date! And I’m past the age where I’m willing to retrain a man. I gave that up in my twenties. Sounds overly simple, but it works for me. Oral skills are highly important in my book… STICK WITH THE GOOD KISSERS!!

    You know, that is a really interesting theory. I had never thought to translate how they act behind the wheel to how they might act in the sack. I’ll definitely have to take notice next time. Though God only knows when the hell that would be.

    Oh, and oral skills are HUGE in my book. But here’s the interesting part, Mr. Big X was a sloppy kisser, but he had MAD orals skills. I’m talking, writing home to his mother to thank her for birthing him type oral skills. -CS

  6. AlwaysAllah November 20, 2008 at 11:04 am #

    The first kiss with my guy consisted of standing outside his car as his friends in the backseat stared at us like we were in a Zoo…I closed my eyes…stood on my toes leaned in and kissed his teeth! Is it just me or should the first kiss be closed lips and then you can lead into the open mouth? Either way it wasn’t the most romantic first Kiss but here we are today planning our wedding.

    I just snorted out loud reading that!!

    I have no idea what it should be like. I guess it’s different each time. In some cases, I don’t care if the first kiss is open mouthed, in others, I want to slap them. -CS

  7. SouthernBelle November 20, 2008 at 11:04 am #

    It wasn’t the kiss that got me with Husband.

    He took me to a party at his friend’s house and I was just being cool, kind of hanging back & observing him and watching his conversations with other people. I fell in love with him over the course of that evening.

    But what about the kiss?? -CS

  8. caribbeanlurker November 20, 2008 at 3:07 pm #

    I am definitely with the one. We met and fall in love during summer vacation. Although I wouldn’t say we had the best of the first kisses (too young, too stupid) the escenario was, it was one night at the front deck of the beach house my parents where renting. Good times, 7 years after…I’m still with the guy of my dreams.

    Wow, that sounds like a pretty good setting for a first kiss. Very romantic. -CS

  9. jon November 20, 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    this is not breaking news…but dudes mostly approach kissing as a means to an end. Mr. Big X had either too much GAME or not enough. Mr. Worth-it guys are both interested and able to figure out it means something else to YOU.

    this all could have turned out differently if instead CS woulda just busted a RAP on the first date instead! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFKd54Ijg7I

    Oh hell no! Had he done that, I totally would have done it with him that minute! -CS

  10. houstonsocialbutterfly November 20, 2008 at 7:19 pm #

    I definitely think the first kiss was a sign…but we often look past those signs don’t we….

    You’re right about that, sister! -CS

  11. Long time reader November 20, 2008 at 10:25 pm #

    I hate your attention-whoring jumps. Pulling your blog off the reading roster. Hope things work out well for ya.

    Okay, goodbye forever, I’m sorry I enraged you.

    It’s too bad that you can’t be happy for me knowing that there are TWO companies asked me to write for them and that’s why there are jumps. Or you could have just skipped the posts.

    Oh well. -CS

  12. Maggie Garcia November 20, 2008 at 10:26 pm #

    I hate him

    Mr. Big X? Did he do the same thing to you?? -CS

  13. muskrat November 20, 2008 at 10:40 pm #

    um, asking is weird and uncalled for. that shoulda been a bad sign from the getgo.

    You’re probably right. But I was too busy getting excited because I’d pined so much for him. -CS

  14. Jack November 21, 2008 at 10:28 am #

    Asking is an old time thing. Some girls like it some don’t. It’s just a sign of respect, like holding a door open or opening the car door for them, but most women under 40 wouldn’t realize that. They are too conditioned to being treated like one of the guys. Not good or bad, just the way it is now. You guys gave up a lot for equal pay. Just sayin’

    I love it when guys hold the door for me, I really do. The asking about the kiss thing is just awkward to me. I don’t get it. I hear what you’re trying to say, and maybe it’s because I haven’t experienced it too much, but I see it as a sign that he’s not sure rather than he’s being polite. -CS

  15. Jack November 21, 2008 at 10:30 am #

    oh and what’s up with long time reader? forget to take your meds today?

    PPS Hope your having a blast in jolly old England!

    Me not know. I get being frustrated about the jumps, but here’s a thought: skip the post.

    I’m having a SPLENDID time!! It’s gorgeous here, and though there was almost an international incident with the car rental agency, the rest of the trip has been a BLAST! -CS

  16. Nooter November 21, 2008 at 10:31 am #

    (clearing throat) um, i have a frog in my throat i need a kiss

    *puckers up* -CS

  17. uberfrau November 24, 2008 at 4:10 am #

    hey where can I get a password?

    You’re all set with the password! -CS

  18. Rachel November 24, 2008 at 3:54 pm #

    OMG I too have experienced the snake tongue kiss and I felt the need to shower as soon as he left, and once again I feel the need to shower just from the memory!!

    I’m sorry to bring back such terribel memories! But someone needs to expose the snake kissers for who they really are-bad kissers. -CS

  19. K. M. P. Master June 27, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    A first kiss can tell a lot, also when you look into someone’s eyes you will automatically know…it’s called love at first sight. Also bear in mind, if you kiss a lot of frogs than you’re going to get warts.

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