Nothing screams “SINGLE” like having an entire church pew to yourself at a wedding.

13 Nov


This was the realization that struck me right across the face. When I just happened to have an entire church pew. All to myself. At a wedding.

As people filtered into the church, I pleaded with my eyes that they sit next to me. This just served to scare them away. I could feel the people staring at me. Their pity as they gave me a fake smile as if to say, “It’s okay that you’re ALL ALONE and that no one want to sit with you.” Or, “Even though I don’t want to sit next to you, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you.” The entire church was packed, all except my pew. The only thing that would have made me stand out more would have been a spotlight highlighting the empty seat next to me. Awesome, so very awesome.

I never know quite how to handle the whole “date at a wedding” scenario. In most cases, I’m happy to go by myself-just as long as I know more than 9 people. Saturday’s wedding was the first that I had gone to where I took a date, at least a straight one. In the past, I had dragged my main gay, Claude, to such affairs. Sadly, he was too busy being selfish (celebrating his birthday) to serve as my faux date. Instead, I found myself having to scramble at the last minute to find a date. Mr. Dirty Ruddy Sailor is one of the last people I would have thought of, but he accepted my invitation.

There is nothing like a wedding to remind a singleton of just how single they truly are. Especially if it’s a wedding where you don’t know a lot of people. The wedding I attended was just such an occasion. 315 people, all dressed to the nines, and I knew about 9 of them. Mr. Dirty Ruddy Sailor had agreed to go to the wedding with me on one condition: no ceremony for him. So I sat alone in my church pew and prayed that the ceremony wouldn’t last for half an eternity. It was a Greek wedding. I was sh*t out of luck.

The reception was far better than the ceremony, but only because I could “claim” to have a date. It was amazing to see how people were more willing to come and talk to me when they realized that I wasn’t a social pariah as it seemed that I could muster up a male companion from somewhere. Hey, whatever, as long as I didn’t have to sit at a table all by myself. Or stand in the corner while everyone else danced, and longingly stare out at the dance floor (something that I would never actually do since I hate dancing).

While I was sitting with Mr. Dirty Ruddy Sailor at our table after dinner, something occurred to me. We had been talking about our desire to be married and have children (not with one another), and our past failed relationships. In the midst of our conversation I noticed that he was watching all of the people dancing, and could tell that he wanted to be up there, shaking his ass on the dance floor. Had I been the good date that I claimed to be last week, I would have sucked it up and gone to dance with him. Instead, I asked him to get me another drink and offered him his 4th piece of wedding cake.

8 Responses to “Nothing screams “SINGLE” like having an entire church pew to yourself at a wedding.”

  1. The Guv'ner November 13, 2008 at 11:55 am #

    I used to go to see bands alone when no one else was up for it. You get some great looks when you do that. Standing there on your own nursing a beer and shuffling about like a retard. I don’t see what’s wrong with solo activities anyway.


    I don’t mind going to a movie or to eat (if I’m traveling) by myself. But a wedding just makes me want to weep in the corner-only if I don’t know a lot of people. -CS

  2. SouthernBelle November 13, 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    Weddings suck balls anyway, regardless of pariah status. We got married in a registry office with no one but our mothers because we needed witnesses, and had a 3-course dinner party for our nearest & dearest the following night. Because that’s how we roll.

    PS – Check out my blog today, Miss Catherinette!

    I usually love weddings. Free booze, desperate girls, fancy dresses, pretty flowers, guys hitting on desperate girls. What’s not to love? -CS

  3. Amadeo November 13, 2008 at 12:37 pm #

    I would have sat next to you…chances are you would have been willing to crack jokes with me on everyone else in attendance…and if you were above that I could leave you and make you seem more of an outcast. Win/Win.

    I’m totally going to invite you next time. Tell your GF that you might have a non-sexual date with a Baltimore “hotty”. -CS

  4. cinnkitty November 13, 2008 at 3:33 pm #

    So how come it’s good for GUYS to go single to weddings and hook up but for women it doesn’t work out? that doesn’t make sense!!!!

    I don’t mind going on my own if I know people. As you may recall, I went solo to my friend’s wedding last year and ended up in flagrante delicto with Notebook. -CS

  5. kristina November 13, 2008 at 5:16 pm #

    I’m not sure what’s worse – going to a wedding where you hardly know anyone as a single, or going to a wedding where you know almost everyone with a new man (especially after being with the last man for 17 years, and he passed away earlier last year). I just did the latter this past August, to my brother’s wedding. Everyone wanted to talk to the new man, and then give me commentary and ask me lots of questions later. If I thought it was hard on me, I can only imagine how hard it was on him!

    Ouch. I don’t envy you… -CS

  6. Jayson Cole (KrunkMode) November 13, 2008 at 5:56 pm #

    I don’t know if you have to do this at your church or not, but what I dislike the most about going to church is the “greet your neighbor” time. It’s like at the beginning. You have to stand up and shake hands with everybody. Super uncomfortable. That’s why I always try to be a little late! Never works.

    I f’ing HATE doing that. Thankfully, I didn’t have to do that at this wedding. Granted, I would have been shaking hands with NO ONE since I was all alone. -CS

  7. Jane Moneypenny November 14, 2008 at 12:06 am #

    Welcome to my life! I have 4 friends getting married next year and I’ll awesomely be sitting alone at that pew each time.

    Thanks for the advice on the ONS… you’re right. He’s never going to contact me… and I’m left with anxiety for no reason. Sigh.

    At least you’re left with some hot memories, I hope!! I heart the ONS. 🙂 -CS

  8. Grant Miller November 19, 2008 at 6:42 pm #

    That’s why I never go to weddings. It might also be because I’m never invited to them, either.

    Probably a good reason for you not to go. -CS

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