I Am the Fashion Police

12 Nov

People, we have fashion rules in place for a reason.  Just like laws.  You’re not supposed to run a red light because you might kill someone-even yourself.  You’re not supposed to wear black stockings with white shoes because you might burn someone’s eyes.  These rules and regulations have to be followed.

You can imagine my horror when I saw someone in our lobby dressed in a white linen suit.  A man.  In a white linen suit.  In November.  This is not okay!!  This is a crime against humanity and he must be punished!!  Who cares that he’s from another culture where wearing white after Labor Day may be tolerated??  This was a blatant disregard of a perfectly reasonable fashion rule, nay, law.  It will not be tolerated here!  (Unless you’re getting married or live in Miami)

Someone is going to have to sit him down and give him a strict talking too.  I’m sure that once he learns about our culture, he will recognize the error of his ways.  Surely, he doesn’t want to be like that douche bag I work with that wears seer sucker suits in the middle of January.  Right??

In the meantime, I am slapping his violating ass with a fashion citation!

White linen suits in November are NEVER okay in these parts!

White linen suits in November are NEVER okay in these parts!

20 Responses to “I Am the Fashion Police”

  1. Jon November 12, 2008 at 2:34 pm #

    I know what “excessive” means. And I know what “denim” means. But I never thought I’d see those two words together like that. Guess I have a lot to learn from you, CS.

    Oh, Jon. Sweet, naive, Jon. Let me tell you about excessive denim: jeans, denim shirt, denim jacket. As far as I’m concerned, you should only wear one denim item at a time. Remember that. -CS

  2. Red November 12, 2008 at 2:40 pm #

    Glad to see they have a checkbox for socks with sandals.

    White linen? In this weather? WTF?

    I KNOW! -CS

  3. sj November 12, 2008 at 2:53 pm #

    you should have don’t spotted his linen-clad arse.

    (don’t spotting gallery on glamour.com is a guilty pleasure. if you’ve never seen it, you *must* check it out.)

    Suck a good idea! I’m totally going to start carrying my cell phone with me at all times. Just in case. -CS

  4. kristina November 12, 2008 at 2:56 pm #

    They need check-boxes for “floods” and “plaid and paisley”…

    Oh, the floods. The worst, I swear. -CS

  5. PJ Geraghty November 12, 2008 at 3:24 pm #

    There’s a school of thought that, on the appropriate female, VPL is a *good* thing…

    Well, I think all of the students of that school should be expelled pronto. No VPL!! Not ever. -CS

  6. pistols at dawn November 12, 2008 at 3:45 pm #

    Maybe it was Tom Wolfe. Don’t be so quick to judge.

    I it could have been Tom Wolfe, dressed as a 6’5″ black man with a South African accent. My mistake. -CS

  7. Diane Mandy November 12, 2008 at 4:06 pm #

    Being a hausfrau in Germany has killed my fashion sense. I’m so glad your not close to hand me a citation. Not that I don’t deserve one…

    No worries. Soon you’ll be a Dama in Spain!! -CS

  8. teri November 12, 2008 at 4:10 pm #

    I don’t know, according to the “What Not to Wear” people, you are allowed to wear white after Labor Day.

    Go back and ask Trinny and Susanna (UK) or Stacey and Clinton (US) what their thoughts are on a white linen suit after Labor Day. Go. Ask them. I dare you. COME ON!! Linen?? -CS

  9. Deadspot November 12, 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    I’m sure that being beautiful on the inside has its own rewards, but unfortunately, it’s their outside that we have to look at.

    Personally, I think someone ought to sic Trinny and Susanna on Stacey and Clinton. Didn’t anyone tell them they’re on television? There should be some sort of rule that you can’t tell anyone else how to dress until you can dress yourself.

    I dream of being both Trinny and Susanna-at the same time. Stacey and Clinton are okay, but Trinny and Susanna are a 100 times better! -CS

  10. SouthernBelle November 12, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    Child, please.

    A 6’5″ black man can wear whatever he wants, at any time of year.

    Unless you are just cross that he was wearing clothes at all.

    ; )

    I plead the fifth! -CS

  11. Slick November 12, 2008 at 5:18 pm #

    A Fashion Citation?

    Please never let my wife join the ranks of that club…

    I’d be fined damn near everyday!

    Oh, honey, then we need to sit down and have a conversation about your wardrobe. -CS

  12. Tony Spunk November 12, 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    Tony has been known to rock the striped seersucker suit, but in my defense, it was dark and I was toasted. Lovely ladies don’t need to know that.

    There’s nothing wrong with a seersucker suit, as long as it’s summer time. -CS

  13. Some Guy November 12, 2008 at 6:06 pm #

    If I understand you, and I think I do, you’re telling me I have to get rid of all my peekaboo undergarments. I’m sorry, this is an impossibility. I can’t. I won’t.

    For you I’d be willing to bend the rules. You can go ahead and keep those. But get rid of your denim shorts. Those are a no no! -CS

  14. Amadeo November 12, 2008 at 6:42 pm #

    Perhaps he was exercising black male privilege? Though I think that’s an American thing, but really being from south africa and wearing linen wasn’t he like horribly cold? Or something along the lines of damn near frozen?

    Frankly, I don’t know what he was thinking or whether/not he was cold. I just couldn’t get past the shock of seeing white linen in November. -CS

  15. Maggie Garcia November 12, 2008 at 6:59 pm #

    Oh my god. One time, My Older Man Friend (who loves you, incidentally), wore all denim. And his 15 year old son and I have never let him forget it. Hello, Jay Leno!

    Oh God. Please tell me that he has never violated fashion law again by wearing that same outfit. -CS

  16. Just Sayin'... November 12, 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    See… This is why some designer needs to come out with the equivalent of Garanimals for men… Just mix and match the animals for the perfect ensemble every time!

    Foxes for spring…

    Tigers for summer…

    Bears for fall…

    And penguins for winter!

    Wait! What the hell am I saying? Jesus god the estrogen in here has seeped up through the keyboard and entered my body through my fingertips…

    Somebody get me a beer and a porno stat!

    Looks like someone went a little metrosexual for a minute… -CS

  17. maria November 12, 2008 at 10:58 pm #

    ok please enlighten the old gal lol ( Im 35) I know what most of those citations mean but what the hell is “camel toe?” I always thought it meant standing with your feet pointed outward because that’s the only time Ive ever heard that expression…

    Oh, Maria!! Poor, naive, Maria. Christ, I can’t believe that at 35 you still have no idea what camel toe is. That’s shameful. Truly shameful. Lucky for you that you’ve come to the right place. Okay, here’s what it is: you know when a chick wears too tight pants and they cling to her lady bits? The visual effect is akin to a camel’s toe, hence the term.

    Here’s a little picture for you to give you the visual. Enjoy and let me know if there’s anything else that you need to know. -CS

  18. Jennifer November 13, 2008 at 9:17 am #

    I want to hear Maria’s reaction to the truth about camel toes!

    MARIA!! Come back to us!! -CS

  19. sista #2 November 15, 2008 at 6:06 pm #

    I applaud him for not giving a flying fuck what anyone thinks and wearing the white linen suit.

    Now, I am going to go put on my tube top and open toed white CFMP’s and head off to Walmart.


    You know what would have looked great with that tube top? Some camel toe. -CS

  20. maria November 16, 2008 at 12:31 am #

    CS I died laughing at the picture! Thanks for sharing.. Glad I’ve never done that in my life =)

    I’m dying to get me a whole stack of those citations so I can pass them out. It would make the world a better place. -CS

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