I’m Gagging At the Scent of Me

10 Nov

The smell of my own shampoo is making me want to vomit.  No, really, it’s pretty bad.

Remember that time, about a month ago, when I told you that all my hair was falling right out of my head?  With the fear of turning into one of those ladies with a big fat bald spot, I decided to call my doctor.  First, he made me get some blood drawn, then I made an appointment to see him.  I dragged my ass into his office on Thursday, and it was magical.

I should have known when I arrived at my doctor’s office that it was all going to suck my left one.  You see, they insisted that I didn’t have an appointment.  Why is it so difficult to write the time down in the calendar as you’re telling the patient what time to come in?  Aren’t you staring straight at the appointment book when you do that?  Is it that difficult to move your hand six inches to the right to pick up that pen and start writing?  Apparently, at my doctor’s office, this is an absurd suggestion.  When I had called 2 weeks prior, the receptionist had apparently neglected to write it down in her little appointment book.  After 15 minutes of arguing back and forth with the receptionist, I took a seat. 

I only had to wait for an hour.  Had I had an appointment, I only would have had to wait for an hour and fifteen minutes.  It all worked out in my favor, really.

The doctor escorted me into his office to told me that I didn’t need to have come in.  That he could have given me my test results over the phone.  Great, too bad no one told me that before.  He took one look at the results, told me everything was fine, and closed his book.

Me: But what about the varying levels in the Thyroid panel?
Dr.: Oh, that’s because you’re pregnant.
Dr.: You’re pregnant, right?
Me: I most certainly am not pregnant!!
Dr.: Are you pregnant?
Me: No!
Dr.: You’re not pregnant?
Me: NO!
.: Hmm…then there’s something wrong with these results.

Blah, blah, medical talk, blah, and he started asking me questions about my hair loss.  He stood up, took one look at my head and said, “You look like you oriental.”  I must have looked at him strangely, because he then added, “Your hair is thinning like you oriental.”  First of all, he should know better than to call anyone oriental because he is Chinese.  That term is reserved for furniture and rugs.  The appropriate term would be “Asian”.  Second, how could he think I was “oriental” after we had just discussed that my mother was Mexican?  I don’t understand him.

He ended up prerscribing Zinc, Selenium, and the most critical medicine of all: alternating days of shampooing with Head & Shoulders and Selsen Blue.   Apparently, they both have Zinc and Selenium which are needed for good, strong healthy, hair.  Who knew?

This leads me to my wanting to vomit at the scent of my own hair.  I happened to have a bottle of Head & Shoulders at the house, and went ahead and used it this morning.  It smells like old people, and feet.  That means that Ismell like old people and feet.  The smell is so strong that I’ve pulled my hair completely away from my face, but that doesn’t seem to help.  The other thing that absolutely sucks is the fact that the nasty smell is still all over my hands, and it won’t come off!!

People, do me a favor here.  Promise me that you will never in a million years go out and buy this shampoo:

Now with improved scent of old people and feet!

Now with improved scent of old people and feet!

 Seriously, the smell is so f’ing bad that it’s making my eyes water.  I don’t care how “intensive” the “treatment” they advertise on the bottle is.  They should change it so it says “Offensive Treatment” instead. 

22 Responses to “I’m Gagging At the Scent of Me”

  1. Needless To Say November 10, 2008 at 1:11 pm #

    Wow, old people and feet — can’t blame you for pulling your hair back. Hope those magic ingredients do their job!

    I’m wondering if I’ll be able to attract any hot single bachelors with my hair smelling this “good”. -CS

  2. Amadeo November 10, 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    Why do you have to make appointments if you still wait for an 45 minutes or more. I realized recently that I should never show up at the doctors until at least a half hour after the appointment time.

    Funny…who thought using head and shoulders would want to make people avoid yours?

    It is a proven fact that there are zero doctors that are ever on time. Not. One. Single. One. Fact!!

    Hardy har har. I’m switching to Selsen Blue STAT! -CS

  3. jendy November 10, 2008 at 1:19 pm #

    When you posted before I told you I was having the same problem. My hair isn’t falling out quite so much now. Screw all that stuff. I’ve just been using Pantene strong hair shampoo and conditioner, then Biolage light conditioner (leaving a nickel sized amount in my hair instead of rinsing). This has kept it from falling out so much after washing. And it smells perty too. 🙂

    P.S. Congrats on the pregnancy. hahahaha!

    It’s my stinking Thyroid, it’s all jacked up. I saw the levels!!

    Head & Shoulders usually isn’t that bad. For some reason, I just chose to pick up the bottle with the nastiest scent. -CS

  4. Nooter November 10, 2008 at 2:06 pm #

    sniff sniff

    BAD DOG! NO! -CS

  5. Franki November 10, 2008 at 2:17 pm #

    My mom calls Asians Orientals too and she’s Asian. I think the only people who get pissed off are the Whiteys.

    Incidentally, her hair is thinning on top too. I am very afraid.

    That could be right. Frankly, I feel that the whiteys are also the ones that are offended when Hispanics are referred to as Beaners or Spics. I don’t get the issue-and I’m Mexican.

    Super. Your mom and I can get together and start a club. -CS

  6. Georgette November 10, 2008 at 2:24 pm #

    i use selsen blue. only because a dude I know told me i had cigarette ashes in my hair, but it was really dandruff.

    Ouch! -CS

  7. kristina November 10, 2008 at 2:24 pm #

    Way to go on finding another reason for peens to stay away from your goods!

    Thanks for rubbing it in. 😦 -CS

  8. Stella November 10, 2008 at 2:36 pm #

    I’ve never understood when or why, exactly, it became offensive to refer to people as Oriental. The Brits still use it, and use Asian to refer to people from southern Asian nations like India and Pakistan. It’s from the latin for “east,” what’s so offensive about it?

    I mean, unless of course, you’re a pregnant Mexican, in which case it makes no sense. 😉

    Because that’s a eurocentric perspective. Back in the day, they called it “The Orient” because it was foriegn and different. What about the people that lived there? Didn’t they think the Brits were different and Oriental? I don’t get it.

    Damn you! -CS

  9. pistols at dawn November 10, 2008 at 3:15 pm #

    I could have sworn I pulled out, baby. On the upside, it’s full of zinc, so you can go ahead and apologize for that time I got your hair.

    Also, old people and feet, huh? You’re going to need a stick (or a positive pregnancy test) to keep the menfolk away.

    I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    That’s exactly how I wanted to attrace men, by smelling of old people and feet. -CS

  10. White Flower November 10, 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    I know the major problem is with your thyroid, but until the doctor gets things figured out, Aveda has an AWESOME mint-based shampoo that tingles AND leaves your scalp flake-less 🙂


    But does it have selenium and/or zinc? Because that’s what I need. -CS

  11. Wide Lawns November 10, 2008 at 3:49 pm #

    Eww, I completely understand. I remember that smell exactly. It smells like the Ocean City, MD boardwalk. Or like someone is tarring a roof nearby, except they’re not and it’s coming from your own head.

    You’re absolutely right!! That’s exactly what it smells like!! -CS

  12. Steph November 10, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

    wow shouldn’t Dr’s be careful just throwing around “you’re pregnant” you would think…

    I think Head and Shoulders has a couple of fragrances that aren’t so bad… maybe try one of those? At least its cheap!!!

    You would think, right? Apparently, he doesn’t care. I just don’t get it.

    I went out last night and bought a different bottle. Smells SO much better! -CS

  13. sista #2 November 10, 2008 at 4:55 pm #

    Don’t even ask me to babysit. I’m busy that day.


    Damn you and your selfish ways! -CS

  14. Jayson Cole November 10, 2008 at 5:04 pm #

    Ahhh the classic head and shoulders! Well, I’m off to eat some oriental food. Toodles!

    Not Asian food? -CS

  15. Bob Dobalina November 10, 2008 at 6:19 pm #

    Wait, you pulled your own hair back?

    I thought that was my job. You’ll be hearing from my union rep.

    Well where were you when I needed you?? -CS

  16. Boom November 10, 2008 at 11:43 pm #

    You made me laugh so hard I think I peed myself when you said your dr is Chinese yet he called you Oriental. What the heck is wrong with him? Speaking from experience, though, I get the Oriental thing all the time. It makes me feel mysterious and intriguing.

    For serious, though, you better NOT be preggers, Cath!!!!! Or I’ll beat you.

    PS- I think you should go to see an endocrinologist instead…he/she might be able to give you more info about your thyroid.
    PPS- DM said that you should try the generic version of that awful shampoo I will not speak of. They tend to smell much better (the CVS version is the best).

    Only you’re not Asian, and you don’t look it. You are Italian. That is different.

    Holy hell, I would beat myself too! I would totally throw myself down numerous flights of stairs, I freaking swear! The last thing I want is a baby that’s going to grow up to have Napoleon Dynamite’s teeth…just like 3D. F that noise right in it can.

    Thank you.

    Tell DM I’m way ahead of him because I went out and bought some last night. -CS

  17. cinnkitty November 11, 2008 at 9:30 am #

    Poor, poor Catherine! On the upside, I happen to know a few people how foot fetishes, so that could work in favor of your new shampoo hair smell. 🙂

    Do they also love the smell of old people? They’d have to. -CS

  18. WendyB November 11, 2008 at 7:43 pm #

    I promise I won’t buy it! I promise!

    Trust me, it’s in your own best interest to stay away. -CS

  19. Desiree November 11, 2008 at 11:41 pm #

    This shows me I can’t take my eyes off this thing for one second before shit hits the fan.

    So very true. -CS

  20. onely November 13, 2008 at 7:16 pm #

    Oh, it’s scary how many nutty doctors out there think they can hang some framed certification with a shiny embossed stamp on their wall and then stop studying, stop reading the literature, and just throw random drugs at people without listening or thinking. Good luck with your stinky hair! -CC

    It really is scary to think how some people managed to obtain and maintain a medical license. It’s even scarier to think that there are some people out there that have freaking kids that don’t know what the hell they’re doing.

    Update on the hair: no longer stinky!! Woo hoo! -CS

  21. caribbeanlurker November 14, 2008 at 12:20 pm #

    My mom calls every single asian “Chino” it’s so wrong! especially when she does it in front of them :S

    Wow, that’s awfully bold of her!! -CS

  22. cocktailsattiffanys December 14, 2010 at 10:34 am #

    LOL….do Asians lose their hair??!


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