Archive | 12:57 pm

I’m Gagging At the Scent of Me

10 Nov

The smell of my own shampoo is making me want to vomit.  No, really, it’s pretty bad.

Remember that time, about a month ago, when I told you that all my hair was falling right out of my head?  With the fear of turning into one of those ladies with a big fat bald spot, I decided to call my doctor.  First, he made me get some blood drawn, then I made an appointment to see him.  I dragged my ass into his office on Thursday, and it was magical.

I should have known when I arrived at my doctor’s office that it was all going to suck my left one.  You see, they insisted that I didn’t have an appointment.  Why is it so difficult to write the time down in the calendar as you’re telling the patient what time to come in?  Aren’t you staring straight at the appointment book when you do that?  Is it that difficult to move your hand six inches to the right to pick up that pen and start writing?  Apparently, at my doctor’s office, this is an absurd suggestion.  When I had called 2 weeks prior, the receptionist had apparently neglected to write it down in her little appointment book.  After 15 minutes of arguing back and forth with the receptionist, I took a seat. 

I only had to wait for an hour.  Had I had an appointment, I only would have had to wait for an hour and fifteen minutes.  It all worked out in my favor, really.

The doctor escorted me into his office to told me that I didn’t need to have come in.  That he could have given me my test results over the phone.  Great, too bad no one told me that before.  He took one look at the results, told me everything was fine, and closed his book.

Me: But what about the varying levels in the Thyroid panel?
Dr.: Oh, that’s because you’re pregnant.
Me: WHAT?
Dr.: You’re pregnant, right?
Me: I most certainly am not pregnant!!
Dr.: Are you pregnant?
Me: No!
Dr.: You’re not pregnant?
Me: NO!
Dr
.: Hmm…then there’s something wrong with these results.

Blah, blah, medical talk, blah, and he started asking me questions about my hair loss.  He stood up, took one look at my head and said, “You look like you oriental.”  I must have looked at him strangely, because he then added, “Your hair is thinning like you oriental.”  First of all, he should know better than to call anyone oriental because he is Chinese.  That term is reserved for furniture and rugs.  The appropriate term would be “Asian”.  Second, how could he think I was “oriental” after we had just discussed that my mother was Mexican?  I don’t understand him.

He ended up prerscribing Zinc, Selenium, and the most critical medicine of all: alternating days of shampooing with Head & Shoulders and Selsen Blue.   Apparently, they both have Zinc and Selenium which are needed for good, strong healthy, hair.  Who knew?

This leads me to my wanting to vomit at the scent of my own hair.  I happened to have a bottle of Head & Shoulders at the house, and went ahead and used it this morning.  It smells like old people, and feet.  That means that Ismell like old people and feet.  The smell is so strong that I’ve pulled my hair completely away from my face, but that doesn’t seem to help.  The other thing that absolutely sucks is the fact that the nasty smell is still all over my hands, and it won’t come off!!

People, do me a favor here.  Promise me that you will never in a million years go out and buy this shampoo:

Now with improved scent of old people and feet!

Now with improved scent of old people and feet!

 Seriously, the smell is so f’ing bad that it’s making my eyes water.  I don’t care how “intensive” the “treatment” they advertise on the bottle is.  They should change it so it says “Offensive Treatment” instead. 

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Triumph(ant)

10 Nov

You know what I would have liked to have seen during the election season?  A little sit down with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Sarah Palin.  I’m pretty sure it woud have been something to remember.  Check out this clip below.  I’d say these guys pretty much got their asses handed to them…by a dog puppet.  He is the best…for me to poop on.