Hallowiener

30 Oct

What’s up with dressing like a total whore on Halloween? I don’t get it, and probably never will.  Sure, I have to admit that one year I happened to go as a French Maid.  I was in 8th grade.  I wonder to this day what possessed my mother to let me dress up like this and go to school in the costume.  Perhaps she was convinced that my fat, round body would protect me from danger.  I remember feeling so sexy (which is scary since I was only 13) and being positive that everyone was going to think that I looked like hot shit.

There’s a picture of me in that costume, and all I can think of now is: good lord, I was a plump little bastard.  Why on earthdid you think you looked good?  You looked like a little fat girl trying to dress as an adult.  And kudos to you for your choice of NEON PINK socks with your white Keds.  No, really, nice choice.

It’s been ages and ages since I dressed up for Halloween.  The last time, I dressed up as white trash: denim skirt, black stockings, white shoes, blazer, teased hair, and horrible pink lipstick.  The worst part was that I actually left the house looking like that.  Why, God, why?  After that year, I only went out on Halloween one other time.  Amber, Disney and I chose not to go in costume-which was just as well.  We dragged ourselves downtown, parked our asses on a bar stool, and proceeded to mock the public.

Most of the girls we saw were dressed as slutty versions of nurses, doctors, fire fighters, school girls, secretaries, blah, blah, etc., blah.  My guess is that some of them were solicited and offered $5 for a quick BJ behind the bar.  I’m sure more than one of them agreed to this exchange.

I vowed to myself to never ever go out on Halloween again.  I couldn’t handle all the whores and drunken douche bags who kept asking what I was supposed to be.  I’m too old for that shit, and am perfectly happy locked in my house with some popcorn and some scary movie.  Sadly, this weekend I will have to break the vow I made so many years ago.  Tomorrow night I’m going downtown with Lola.  Saturday I’m supposed to be going to a costume party with the Ruddy Sailor (you can suck it, Foxy), and with Lola.  Herein lies the problem: I have no idea what to wear.  Furthermore, I don’t even want to dress up and I don’t know the people throwing the party. 

Christ, when did I turn into such a stick in the mud??  Hmm…maybe that’s what I’ll go as.  I can wear all brown (representing the mud), and glue a stick to my shirt.  God, what a lame flipping idea.  I really am a stick in the mud.

19 Responses to “Hallowiener”

  1. jendy October 30, 2008 at 7:44 pm #

    I actually like the stick in the mud thing. Last year I just made a pageant sash with “Miss Kentucky” on it and blacked out a tooth… no other special dressing up. I did this because my redneck boss was from KY. In college I was Miss Alabama (this is why I did Miss KY), and I got to dress up in some formal bullshit that I would never wear again, wear my make-up all pageanty, and make the hair all lovelyish. I did wear comfy boots under the fabulous formal red dress. Hey, do they even wear shoes in Alabamy?

    Hmm…maybe I’ll go as Ms. Mexico and walk around with a taco shell and a sombrero. -CS

  2. foxyluv October 30, 2008 at 8:11 pm #

    You should go as Dolly Parton. That’s how I am dressing for Halloween…and every other damned day of the year!

    PS – Stay away from my damn Ruddy Sailor, you Froggy whore!

    F you and your DP ways! -CS

  3. Lola October 31, 2008 at 12:17 am #

    Btw, I finally figured out what my costume is going to be for Saturday!! It’s going to be fab, and I get to have really good hair!

    I’m intrigued… -CS

  4. SinCity October 31, 2008 at 12:55 am #

    I think what’s more fun is to stay home for the trick-or-treaters and dress up to scare the shit out them. My dad used to sit on the front porch dressed up so ppl thought he was just stuffed clothes and would jump up and scare the living crap outta the little shits.
    hee-larry-ous.

    I think it would even be more fun to stay home and not answer the door. -CS

  5. Del-v October 31, 2008 at 7:58 am #

    Halloween is so commercial these days it has lost its meaning.

    What happened to the good old days where you could just get candy and egg houses? -CS

  6. Red October 31, 2008 at 9:35 am #

    I, too, like the stick in the mud idea.

    I’m going as a beatnik this year. Black clothes, black beret, and I’m going to carry around a copy of _On the Road_.

    Oh that beatnik idea is clever! -CS

  7. SouthernBelle October 31, 2008 at 9:54 am #

    Husband has the most awesome, low-effort idea, he is simply going to wear a nametag sticker that says God.

    I plan to be Pretty Dolly – a silk-flower headband, yellow 50’s-style dress and gold-glitter ballet flats with perfect doll makeup.

    If I was single I would totally have a whorish outfit though. It’s the one night of the year you can look like an absolute trashbag without being judged, so why not?

    Will the nametag cover up his man bits? It’s gonna be kind of cold out there tonight.

    I like your costume and would steal it from you, if only I had any of those items… -CS

  8. Sarah October 31, 2008 at 10:05 am #

    My go-to costume is always Totally 80’s…I know its overdone, but it’s fun to tease up your bangs and wear bright makeup….and its pretty easy to throw together.

    I considered that but didn’t want to be dressed like half of the general public. It’s too over done for me-kind of like a hippie. -CS

  9. Jess October 31, 2008 at 10:15 am #

    I am going as Wednesday Addams. You can be a total bitch to people cuz that’s her charm. If people get offended be like, “What? I am totally in character.”

    Such a cool idea! You need someone to go as Cousin It with you. -CS

  10. AlwaysAllah October 31, 2008 at 10:39 am #

    You could go as a Smarty Pants…just tape a bunch of smarty boxes to your pants.

    Except I’d never be able to sit down… -CS

  11. Franki October 31, 2008 at 10:52 am #

    I’m dressing as a very pregnant Bristol Palin carrying a sign that says, “What’s sex?”

    LOVE IT! I thought about going as here too, but then realized that I’m twice as old and would never be able to pull it off. -CS

  12. Jack October 31, 2008 at 11:59 am #

    ha Franki you win for best costime idea. Cath girls dress like slutty whatevers cause guys love that shit. Sad to say I am one of them.

    You could dress as normal and when people ask what you are you can tell them you’re a procrastinator.

    or you could be a blog wear whatever you want and write the words “blah-blah-blah” on lots of pieces of paper and pin them all over yourself.

    I’m not going out to be stared at or to hook up, so I’m not dressing like a ho. In fact, I might just wear the frumpiest thing on earth and go as an invisible girl. There’s an idea.

    Like the idea of going as a blog. -CS

  13. kristina October 31, 2008 at 12:09 pm #

    I’ll agree that Halloween is the one day you can dress up whorishly (especially when you normally don’t!) and totally get away with it.

    SouthernBelle – your husband is just wearing a nametag? Now THAT is whorish! And a little chilly – watch out for shrinkage…

    Well Catherinette, if you don’t want to be a whore, be a bunch of grapes – wear the brown outfit and then attach inflated green or purple balloons.

    I have seen someone pull off the grapes, and it did look good. -CS

  14. Bets October 31, 2008 at 12:50 pm #

    Go as a victim. All you need are 2 red dots on your neck, vampire bite. Done, no dressing up required.

    I could also go as a fashion victim. Or I could walk around in a suit and carry a giant dildo and tell people to bend over. When they ask me what I am, I can tell them I’m a corporate manager. -CS

  15. Cosmo October 31, 2008 at 1:36 pm #

    Love the God Idea!!! Hillarious!

    Wrap yourself in tin foil, you’re a leftover.

    I do have plenty of tinfoil around!! -CS

  16. A Dating Diary October 31, 2008 at 1:57 pm #

    I’ll be honest. I am totally sluttin’ it up tonight. Its the only day I force myself to put away my prudish side. Last Halloween was the first time and after a few drinks, it ended up being fun!

    What will you wear to strut your slutty stuff tonight? -CS

  17. pistols at dawn October 31, 2008 at 3:36 pm #

    If you wear a slutty enough outfit, you won’t even make it to that party in the first place, saving you lots of worries.

    How’s that? I live at home. Are you saying that I’d be so overcome by the sight of my own self that I’d immediately have to romance myself? -CS

  18. SouthernBelle October 31, 2008 at 4:21 pm #

    LOL, I knew I should have clarified. He’s just gonna add the God nametag to a normal outfit. It’s not as if anyone can challenge you on God’s appearance, right?

    And we are supposedly made in his image, so that’s very clever. But I did like the idea of him just going out with the nametag. -CS

  19. Detail Medic November 1, 2008 at 6:54 pm #

    I totally agree with you. A friend and I went out last night and one of her friends met us dressed as if she were a dominatrix, but with kitty ears. She had a long bull whip. Her corsett was open about 3″ all the way down to her navel in the front and barely covered her nipples. Since she was a friend of my friend I tried to talk to her twice. She looked me up and down and sneered at me twice. She danced like a whore all night hanging on guys and getting them to buy her drinks. She ended up winning “sexiest costume”. Men are such simpletons.

    I hope she’s happy with her empty life and the men she sleeps with rolling out of bed 30 minutes later and then never calling her. -CS

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