Withdrawal Symptoms

23 Oct

Do you remember back in college (or last weekend) when you’d go out, and get wasted off your face, and then the next day you’d get the shakes while your body was coming off of it?  Detox, that’s what we used to call it.

Shakes?  Check!

Sweats?  Check!

Headache?  Check!

Yeah, that feeling sucks.  Dogs.

I’m going through withdrawal.  Peen withdrawal.  It’s been 44 times since I’ve been laid.  44 days.  That sucks.  It sucks big, giant, humongous donkey balls.  I’ve finally reached the point where calling 3D for a booty call doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea.  I’m sure it’s the same kind of feeling that an alcoholic might get when he considers drinking a bottle of rubbing alcohol.  In both cases, there will be regret and it’ll leave an awful taste in the mouth.

Yeah, yeah, I know that 44 days might not seem like that long, but I was getting it every day.  Every god damned day!!  Why can’t the planets just align and give that back to me?  Why?  Well, I’m sick of waiting for the the stupid planets to freaking align-I’m taking matters into my own hands (so to speak).

Before I go to sleep tonight, I’m going to put Lola’s carrot under my pillow and make a wish to the peen fairy.  Surely he will find it in his heart to grant me the gift of the peen.

Sweet, dear, Peen Fairy!  Please see fit to send a peen (or 2) my way…


13 Responses to “Withdrawal Symptoms”

  1. Elisabeth October 23, 2008 at 10:33 pm #

    You make me laugh. We’re all thinking it, you’re just sayin it.

    Do you want me to ship the little peen carrot to you? I totally will. -CS

  2. Carmen October 23, 2008 at 11:38 pm #

    Boy… you are gusty for hoping for 2 peens… I can barely handle one sometimes!! But… if you ever end up with an extra you can send it COD to Canada for me.

    A girl’s gotta strive for something. For me, that something is 2 peens. -CS

  3. she seems nice October 24, 2008 at 12:46 am #

    Don’t call 3D honey…I know of which I speak…I have my own little 3D and damn…if I don’t call the needy one after a few glasses of wine for a booty call….then he NEVER stops calling me after that…so I say…stay strong girl…find another peen!

    I am totally not going to call him. I haven’t quite reached that level of desperation, nor do I think I’ll quite ever get there. -CS

  4. Sunshine October 24, 2008 at 9:14 am #

    must be the stars or something.. made my own bootie text last night.. girls’ gotta do what a girls’ gotta do…. go for it .. and hell, I will take the peen carrot… We can start and send the peen carrot around the blog-o-sphere and have bloggers take a picture and sent it on… email me and we can discuss details….

    Maybe we should just send pictures of the peen carrot (AKA Lola’s Carrot), I don’t think the carrot will last that much longer. -CS

  5. Philly October 24, 2008 at 10:44 am #

    Are you sure you want to call him?
    Are you that desperate?
    How do you feel about him?
    Do you want to start that all up again?
    Do you want to talk?


    I was merely trying to make a point about how desperate I was getting. And thanks for reminding me all about the number of questions that I would have to answer. Crisis avoided! -CS

  6. cinnkitty October 24, 2008 at 10:56 am #

    I think I have it worse sweetie.. I HAVE a boyfriend and I still haven’t had sex in almost 4 weeks. FOUR FUCKING WEEKS!! Why? Because his schedule and my schedule haven’t been able to sync up.

    And they don’t look to being syncing for a VERY long time. I’m about ready to say “what’s the point” and tell him to just find someone else to date. GAH!

    Jesus, that freaking blows! Maybe you need to add a peen counter too! -CS

  7. kristina October 24, 2008 at 11:28 am #

    Sometimes you just have to do things yourself…

    I frequently romance myself. I’m quite good at it. The best part is that I don’t have to cuddle with myself afterwards. I hate that crap. -CS

  8. The Guv'ner October 24, 2008 at 1:28 pm #

    Well if you don’t get the peen you can always use the carrot!!! Easy! 🙂

    But the carrot is so tiny and so small. -CS

  9. Del-v October 24, 2008 at 2:13 pm #

    You seriously keep track of days without peen like someone who just kicked heroin?

    I’m proud of you!

    At 90 days they give me a pin. 🙂 -CS

  10. Lindsey October 25, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Thanks very much. Your post has reminded me that tomorrow will be 11 months. Yes, you read that correctly — 11 MONTHS. How, you ask, could such a ghastly statistic to escape my consciousness? Well, you see, it’s simple. After a while you forget what it’s like and you forget that you want it. It’s sort of like you become a snail (they’re asexual, you see). Until someone writes about it on their awesome hilarious blog and reminds you!! So thanks. You can send Lola’s carrot this way ASAP.

    I have no doubt in my mind that I will go more than 11 months without any peen. Damn it. Sometimes, life sucks dog balls. -CS

  11. David October 26, 2008 at 5:15 pm #

    Oh lordy lou.

    I am served with penetration wednesday nights and bj sunday afternoons by my boy toy.

    I simply cannot imagine 44 days without sexual attention.

    Bless you my child.

    Rub it in, why don’t you??

    That’s what she said. -CS

  12. David October 26, 2008 at 10:12 pm #

    Oh it was only with the greatest of sympathy. I can’t imagine enduring 44 days of nothingness.

    May god grant you a well-hung horny boy toy of your own….or whatever floats your boat.

    Well, we’re way past 44 days now.

    I want a boy toy, STAT! -CS

  13. cocktailsattiffanys December 13, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

    44 days is awhile…but then you’re just going to want it more once you get it, right?


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