Watch Your Backs, Boys

17 Oct

I am a self proclaimed succubus. There comes a point in just about every relationship where I unconsciously decide to break my boyfriend. He is left a shell of his former self. Towards the inevitable end of our relationship, he is typically left blubbering and begging to know where it’s all gone wrong. I don’t purposely choose weak men. I’ve always said that I wanted someone who’s strong, who will not take my crap, who will stand up for himself. Yet, I find myself walking down a path where I turn into this terrible sucker of souls.

Everyone knows this. My friends, my family, but most importantly – so do my exes.

My mother and sister think they’re being helpful when they meet my new beaus. Before exposing the latest target love interest to what will surely be a traumatic experience for all involved, I have to cross my fingers and say a prayer that they’ll restrain themselves. You see, my mom and sister will take any opportunity to warn new boys I’m dating about what might befall them. Let me give you an example of what happened when my last boyfriend met my family.

It was July, and Dreamy Dreamboat from Dreamtown (aka 3D) and I had been dating for about 6 weeks. It was a whirlwind romance and we were in those early stages in the relationship where all you want to do is stare into your new found love’s eyes and tell them how smitten you are for them. You might break the loving gazes to steal a kiss, or stare off dreamily into space while you think about what your kids might look like. Being obviously so in love, it seemed like a good idea to invite him to join us on our family vacation. 3D had met my family once before, and everyone loved him.

“He’s perfect,” my mother said, “What’s he hiding?”

“Nothing,” I gushed. “Isn’t he so dreamy…?” My sister immediately threw up when I said this.

As he was clearly as smitten for me as I was for him, he thought it would be a wonderful idea to join us on our trip. Everything was perfect! We held hands as we walked down the beach, we stared longingly into each other’s eyes and talked about where we might vacation with our own children, we nearly drowned my nephew off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard, and we kissed on the ferry from Cape Cod. Perfection. Right up until dinner that very night…

  • Mom: Don’t let her walk all over you!
  • Sis: She will do it if you give her a chance!
  • Me: Hey, let’s all calm down and not send 3D away. We’ve only gone out a few times!
  • Mom: She’ll treat you like a door mat if you let her.
  • Me: MA!
  • Sis: And she’ll suck out your spine.
  • Mom: You should have seen what she did to the last one!
  • Me: MA! For the love!
  • Mom: I still get letters from him…

This is the exact conversation that they had had with previous suitors, and it’s right around this point when they go running for the hills. They would leave their home cooked meal uneaten, a random t-shirt behind, but if they left quickly enough, their spines remained intact.

3D maintained his ground. “I’m not afraid of her,” he said, “she will not treat me like a door mat! I can stand up for myself.”

And god bless him, he tried. But 2 months later we were entering the last stages of our relationship. I had grown bored with his desire to talk about feelings every waking moment.

  • 3D: Do you like me?
  • Me: I just told you this morning I did.
  • 3D: How much do you like me?
  • Me: Less and less every time you ask me that.
  • 3D: Who do you think likes the other person more?
  • Me: Really? Do we have to have this conversation again?
  • 3D: I just want to know how you feel about me.
  • Me: I already told you!
  • 3D: Are you angry with me?
  • Me: Can we drop it and talk about something else now?
  • 3D: Sure, sure.
  • Me: Great. So, what else?
  • 3D: Do you know how much I like you?

At some point he had gone from Dreamy Dreamboat from Dreamtown to 3rd Degree. Clearly, there was only one course of action: to suck out his spine and use it as a toilet plunger. I honestly don’t know how I do it. I know that I becoming a raging bitch, and that I raise my voice, but I have no idea why this makes them want to hang on even tighter. It felt like I was trying to shrug off a coat that had been glued onto my back. The bitchier I got, the harder he tried to stay with me.

Our relationship ended 6 weeks ago, and it was a nasty break up. Would you believe that he still emails me and asks me how I feel about him? Next time, I’m totally going to pick someone someone who’s strong, who will not take my crap, who will stand up for me.

Gentlemen, watch out, here I come…


14 Responses to “Watch Your Backs, Boys”

  1. Philly October 17, 2008 at 8:50 am #

    Maybe they are strong coming in to the relationship, but you being strong and independent reduce them to the mess they become.


    I just think I’m like oil and they’re water and we don’t mix. -CS

  2. SuzieQ October 17, 2008 at 9:42 am #

    Nah, they’re just pussies!

    And I do hate cats. -CS

  3. Newmie October 17, 2008 at 10:06 am #

    That blog post made me hungry…

    Do you want to go get a sub?
    Do you like subs?
    How about turkey?

    NO SUB FOR YOU! Only moobs. -CS

  4. pistols at dawn October 17, 2008 at 11:22 am #

    I’d comment about what I really feel, but I’m not sure you’d like it. Or me. Why don’t you call me all the time to invalidate my constant feelings of worthlessness?

    Do you want to talk about your feelings? -CS

  5. Nico October 17, 2008 at 11:23 am #

    My mother is just like that! She likes to tell any new prospects just about every single thing that is wrong with me.
    So damn annoying!
    Guys who can´t stand for themselves deserve it. They gotta learn sometime

    Maybe your mom and my mom would like to go out for drinks. -CS

  6. Sarah October 17, 2008 at 11:51 am #

    Why do men hang on so tight when you want it to end? For me, they always seem to be less interested in the beginning and when I get fed up with it and decide I’m done, they hold on for dear life. I don’t want to crush their souls like bugs, but they leave me no choice.

    You know what? There are girls that do the exact same thing. I call all of these people Clingons, and mama no likey. -CS

  7. ME IN MD October 17, 2008 at 12:42 pm #

    omg – what was in the story – must have been pretty good considering when i went to click on the link it was blocked by my employeer – must have been interesting!!!!

    Guess you’ll just have to wait until you get home to find out… -CS

  8. Scott Covert October 17, 2008 at 1:17 pm #

    Meh… the drawing is pretty cool.

    My wife sucked my soul out long ago. I hardly miss it.

    I don’t think you have a clue about what you really want or can’t admit it to yourself.

    You’ll probably find a guy that beats the hell out of you and live happily everafter.

    Your Mom will probably love the guy.

    You know what? You’re probably right about not knowing what I want. I’ll give you that.

    But there is no way on god’s green earth that I’d put up with any sort of abuse. Neither emotional or physical. As bad as my choices are, they’re never THAT bad. -CS

  9. Newmie October 17, 2008 at 3:37 pm #

    I think Scott might need a hug. He seems sad.

    Maybe a sub would cheer him up.

    I think that’s a great idea. Everyone loves a sub. -CS

  10. Scott Covert October 17, 2008 at 3:55 pm #

    It was more tongue in cheek than anything else.

    It just seems like many women will pass up one ideal man after another because he was too clingy just to settle down with an abusive man.

    I guess you have to be a woman to understand or maybe it can’t be understood. Why do women in abusive relationships stay? It seems simple but it just isn’t.

    I wish I had a nickle for every woman that said “I would never put up with abuse” but in the end did with a vengence.

    Wait, this is a humor blog right? I’ll shut up now.

    Somebody write something funny quick!

    Honey, I’m right there with you. I have no idea. My guess is that we kinda thrive on the drama and we enjoy swimming around in our low self esteem.

    Poop! There that was hilarious!

  11. Scott Covert October 17, 2008 at 3:56 pm #

    And yes to the sammitch!

    Would you like mustard and mayo? -CS

  12. Scott Covert October 17, 2008 at 3:58 pm #

    Oh by the way, if that’s your picture, you’re friggi’n hot. There I said it.

    Yeah, totally not me. But thanks! -CS

  13. kristinalead October 17, 2008 at 5:44 pm #

    With a post like this one, you must have your sights set on someone…

    Believe it or not, I don’t. I’m just biding my time until hte next victim comes along. -CS

  14. Jack October 31, 2008 at 4:50 pm #

    ok if that is not you, then please tell me who it is because as Scott has already pointed out she is friggin hot. email address please 🙂

    I don’t know who she is!! She’s just some random model for Getty Images. You know what? If you peruse their site, maybe you can find some boobie shots of her. -CS

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