Take Pity on Me

8 Oct

Dear people of the blogosphere,

I need you right now.  I’m at home, dying from the plague.  Had I been smart, I never would have gone to work yesterday.  Yet, I felt obligated to go since I was supposed to do some training.  Too bad the market got housed yesterday and my sessions were cancelled.  You’d think knowing that would have brought me some solace, but it did not.  You see, when I was getting dressed yesterday morning, I noticed something really disturbing: my pants were getting awfully snug around the hips and thighs.

I’m getting fat.  My diet of fried food, pure carbs, soft drinks, and booze is finally catching up to me.  No longer are the days when I wore size 10 pants without Spanx.  Oh no, my friends.  We are now entering into the days of size 12s if I suck it in and never breathe again.

You know what this means, right?  Gasp!  It means back to exercising and watching what I eat.  Good bye chicken fingers, good bye french fries, good bye hamburgers, and farewell to you chocolate peanut butter cream pie.  Adios 2 cups of coffee with tons of milk in it every morning.  It was good while it lasted. 

After trying to squeeze my fat ass into my pants yesterday, I made the decision that things were going to change around here.  I made some smart choices when it came to meal times.  For example, I ordered a turkey burger and water for lunch (with extra mayo and tons of sweet potato fries).  Then for dinner I had sausage, peppers, mushrooms, and onions (on 4 slices of pizza that had extra cheese and some pepperoni).  I can do this!!  In no time at all I’ll be back down to my fighing weight (or so fat that I won’t be able to leave my own house).

So dear people, I’m going to take advantage of being stuck home in my bed today.  I’m going to not eat like a pig (basically because there’s nothing pig-like in my house.  Oh, except for some chocolate peanut butter cream pie), and drink tea all day.

Your fat friend,


P.S. Someone bring me some blueberry pancakes, STAT!


14 Responses to “Take Pity on Me”

  1. Ben October 8, 2008 at 11:25 am #

    I willingly purchased my very first gym membership this week. And then I went. Twice. Two days in a row. Including one day where I went by myself.


    Let me guess, you decided not to go with this gym, right?? -CS

  2. j October 8, 2008 at 11:33 am #

    WARNING: I hear a half-ton Mexican man just died due to fatty related issues. He made it to 47, so I’m sure you’ve got a few good years left. But really, what’s life without pizza and hamburgers and most of all booze. Buena suerte!

    Um, are you bringing this up because I’m Mexican?? -CS

  3. Mike October 8, 2008 at 11:54 am #

    I know where you can rent a fork lift to get out of the house. Hey what are friends for.

    You’re the best. I’ll let you know if I need that. -CS

  4. The Girl You Don't Bring Home To Momma October 8, 2008 at 12:00 pm #

    I feel your pain – my weakness – chocolate fudge ice cream for diner. Buy some boxing gloves and a water based weight bag. That way you can loose your weight and beat the shit out of something. Hope you feel better !

    Look, if I’m going to be spending my money, it better be on something that tastes delicious. -CS

  5. pistols at dawn October 8, 2008 at 12:13 pm #

    I figure that if I just keep eating terribly, I’ll die soon and won’t have to worry about fitting into anything except my funeral suit. Then, it’ll just be annoying to my pallbearers that I stayed so fat.

    Hmm…this is a really interesting idea. I might have to do it too. -CS

  6. kristina October 8, 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    If they make clothes in larger sizes, then it must be OK to wear them, right?

    I never thought of it this way!! -CS

  7. Del-v October 8, 2008 at 12:41 pm #

    You better get healthy soon because you promised we were going out drinking this Saturday! And if you are really worried about your weight, I’ll buy you a diet vodka martini with one olive – not two. That’s 30 less calories right there.

    I’m staying home today so that we can still go out drinking on Saturday. And FYI: I can’t handle martinis unless they have fruit juice in them. Maybe I’ll just have to have jack and diet or something, hold the olives. -CS

  8. Newmie October 8, 2008 at 12:57 pm #

    I think a cheeseburger and a large order of frings will make you feel better.


  9. Philly October 8, 2008 at 2:36 pm #

    I think it’s your washer and dryer shrinking everything


    Maybe I should stick my ass and thighs in there then. -CS

  10. Red October 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm #

    If you stop eating fried food, you stop craving it. Swear. Though the “get this monkey off my back” stage might suck.

    But…the deliciousness? -CS

  11. jendy October 8, 2008 at 5:48 pm #

    haha! i so didn’t bring that up because you’re mexican, but is sure makes it funnier.

    Sure you didn’t. I see how you are. -CS

  12. Amadeo October 8, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    Tell people you’re storing calories because you have inside info about the total collapse of the market soon to come. Then you solve two problems…what people think and talking to people on the phone at work.

    Good plan. As of now, I’m storing my fat for the upcoming apocalypse. -CS

  13. SinCity October 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm #

    Red is absolutely right. If you “detox:” (for lack of a better word), get off the sauce, you stop wanting it. Every time I “treat” myself to something awesome (like an entire platter of tachos, or fries, double cheeseburger, pumpkin cream cheese muffins – you get the picture) I want more so freaking bad that I would risk life and limb to get it.

    However, if I can just refrain for about 2 or 3 weeks, I just don’t want it, and I stop obsessing about food.

    seriously. try it! oh, and cutting out sugar helps immensely with this. Fake sugar is the way to go. Causes cancer, but eh, you’ll get skinny 😉

    Oh, I know she’s right about it all. I lost 50 pounds on my own years and years ago, and have managed to keep them all off. Yet there are sustained periods of time when I fall right back in love with the chicken tenders and the french fries. We love each other. How can something that tastes so right, be so wrong?

    That’s what she said. -CS

  14. CloudyLucidity October 9, 2008 at 6:47 pm #

    Chocolate peanut butter cream pie? Why have I never heard of this? And why is it not in my house right now? It sounds to die for!

    It is quite possibly one of the most delicious things in the world. Next to me. -CS

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