Archive | October, 2008

My Halloween Advice to You

31 Oct

They look like relatively reasonable children, don’t they?

Click here to find out how to keep them from losing their little minds


30 Oct

What’s up with dressing like a total whore on Halloween? I don’t get it, and probably never will.  Sure, I have to admit that one year I happened to go as a French Maid.  I was in 8th grade.  I wonder to this day what possessed my mother to let me dress up like this and go to school in the costume.  Perhaps she was convinced that my fat, round body would protect me from danger.  I remember feeling so sexy (which is scary since I was only 13) and being positive that everyone was going to think that I looked like hot shit.

There’s a picture of me in that costume, and all I can think of now is: good lord, I was a plump little bastard.  Why on earthdid you think you looked good?  You looked like a little fat girl trying to dress as an adult.  And kudos to you for your choice of NEON PINK socks with your white Keds.  No, really, nice choice.

It’s been ages and ages since I dressed up for Halloween.  The last time, I dressed up as white trash: denim skirt, black stockings, white shoes, blazer, teased hair, and horrible pink lipstick.  The worst part was that I actually left the house looking like that.  Why, God, why?  After that year, I only went out on Halloween one other time.  Amber, Disney and I chose not to go in costume-which was just as well.  We dragged ourselves downtown, parked our asses on a bar stool, and proceeded to mock the public.

Most of the girls we saw were dressed as slutty versions of nurses, doctors, fire fighters, school girls, secretaries, blah, blah, etc., blah.  My guess is that some of them were solicited and offered $5 for a quick BJ behind the bar.  I’m sure more than one of them agreed to this exchange.

I vowed to myself to never ever go out on Halloween again.  I couldn’t handle all the whores and drunken douche bags who kept asking what I was supposed to be.  I’m too old for that shit, and am perfectly happy locked in my house with some popcorn and some scary movie.  Sadly, this weekend I will have to break the vow I made so many years ago.  Tomorrow night I’m going downtown with Lola.  Saturday I’m supposed to be going to a costume party with the Ruddy Sailor (you can suck it, Foxy), and with Lola.  Herein lies the problem: I have no idea what to wear.  Furthermore, I don’t even want to dress up and I don’t know the people throwing the party. 

Christ, when did I turn into such a stick in the mud??  Hmm…maybe that’s what I’ll go as.  I can wear all brown (representing the mud), and glue a stick to my shirt.  God, what a lame flipping idea.  I really am a stick in the mud.

Jealous Much?

30 Oct

Jealousy is to a relationship as man parts are to my backside. Unnecessary, unacceptable and unwelcome. I am not now, and never have been a jealous person when in a relationship, nor have I ever been interested in back door loving (but that’s another post entirely). Trust is something that’s very important to me, and the whole jealously thing just reeks of dysfunction and drama-a scent I am not particularly fond of. I don’t play that game, and refuse to be drawn into those silly shenanigans.

My boyfriend (when I have one), can pretty much do whatever he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants. As long as the actions that he chooses to take do not put our relationship at risk, he has my stamp of approval.

  • He just renewed his subscription to Playboy? Nice. Who’s this month’s centerfold?
  • He wants to have a boys night with all his male friends, get drunk, shout at the TV in the bar and ogle chicks? Have fun! I’ll call you bright and early tomorrow morning to check on your hangover.
  • He’s going to a strip club? Super, here’s a handful of single dollar bills.
  • He’s going to Vegas for a bachelor party? Awesome. Don’t sleep with any hookers or strippers and bring me back a cool gift. Preferably not an STD.
  • A hot chick walks by and he looks at her? Hey, she’s hot and I wish I knew where she bought that handbag.

Seriously, I do not care. Those things do not signify a threat to a relationship. It’s unrealistic to believe that your significant other will never be attracted to another human being. Sure, it may happen in Never Never Land, but not here on planet Earth. Just because someone looks, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the relationship. Just because your significant other wants to have a night with his/her friends every now and again, doesn’t mean it’s because he/she can’t stand the sight of you and is planning on dumping you as soon as the sun rises.

I expect that my boyfriend will trust me in the same way that I trust him.

You can imagine my surprise when I found myself dating 3D and he had very different ideas on what was and was not acceptable behavior in a relationship.

I have maintained a close friendship with an ex boyfriend, Un-boyfriend (he is the total anti boyfriend). Un-boyfriend and I dated for about 2 years, and the relationship ended over 10 years ago. Over time, our relationship evolved into a friendship. We do not hook up, we do not send dirty drunken text messages to one another, we do not pine away for the good old days and plan on getting back together. Un-boyfriend has been dating someone for about a year, and they are perfect for one another. She tolerates all his crap, and still manages to bring out the best in him.

When 3D found out that Un-boyfriend and I were still friends, he decided to fire up the grill and began peppering me with questions:

  • Do you still like him? As a friend.
  • Does he like you? As a friend.
  • When was the last time you slept with him? Like 6 years ago (which was a total lie, it had been 2 years).
  • Do you think he wants to sleep with you? No.
  • Do you want to sleep with him? No.
  • What would you do if he made a pass at you? Laugh in his face and tell him to get off of me.
  • Am I better in bed than he was? Of course, sweetie (which was true).
  • Do you think you’d ever get back together with him? Hell to the no. Not in a million billion trillion years (which was true).

In the few months that 3D and I dated, we had 5 fights about my friendship with Un-boyfriend. 3D was convinced that the only reason we were still friends was because, deep down inside, Un-boyfriend was still in love with me and he wanted to date me again. I told him that he was a fool and that he had to wake up and smell the venti Pumpkin Spice Latte.

His insecurity about Un-boyfriend was only one way that the jealousy manifested itself. We also “enjoyed” some long discussions on why I felt the need to have girls’ nights and why he wasn’t invited, and why I had to stay late at work sometimes. Oh! And one time, we even had a really robust discussion on how I handled it when a guy that was walking down the street looked at me for 2 seconds too long. It was so awesome.

The relationship ended. I know, totally shocking.

3D and I kept in touch and he insisted that he only wanted to be friends…with benefits. This worked out for a few weeks, right up until he asked me if Un-boyfriend and I had gotten back together. The second the question was out of his mouth, I got dressed, went home, and promised myself that I would never put up with that type of nonsense again.

Lit’l Smokey in the News

29 Oct

One of the many ways in which I procrastinate at work is by checking the headlines on CNN.  It makes it appear as though I’m informed and in the know-instead of a slacker with no aspirations.  This morning I almost spit my coffee all over my computer monitor when I read the following headline.

First of all, you can’t prove that it’s me that put him in the cage.  Second, if it was me, you can rest assured that I would offer him some roomy accodmodations.  He would need enough room to be able to stand up, and turn around.

What Men Are Really Thinking

28 Oct

Oh my God!!  These are totally hilarious.

Can’t go wrong with, “As soon as she learns to swallow without gagging, and take it up the ass without crying…”  And I totally knew all about the blow job contract, but had no idea that tea bagging might come into play.

Just the Tip Tuesday (10/28/08)

28 Oct

It finally happened.  After years of fighting against it, I saw the light and caved.  No, I’m not talking about anal sex.  You’ll see that the peen counter has not been reset.  Instead, I’m talking about today’s JTTT: John Krasinski:

If you look into his eyes, they will tell you 2 things:

  1. He wants to do me.
  2. He wants to do me again after he does me the first time.

Who am I to deny him what he wants/

27 Oct

Sometimes I truly amuse myself.  Out of curiousity, I took a look at the postings I had written in October of last year.  I came across this one, and started cracking up.  It just goes to show that I am:

  1. Funny, and
  2. A bitch.

Really, how is it possible that a girl as funny (and bitchy) as I am is still single?  It boggles the mind.

Eat It, Stupid Cow

26 Oct

In 1995, I was a Senior in college.  On most days you could either find me drunk or hungover.  Good times, good times.  I miss those days.

In March of that year, HBO aired their Young Comedians Special.  You may, or may not have seen it.  If you haven’t, then you have missed out.  Both Dave Chappelle and Dave Attell made their debuts on the show, and they were funny.  But, by far, the funniest one was Anthony Clark.  Every time I watch the clips, I nearly pee myself.  Really, he’s hilarious.

And you know what?  I found the clip online, so you’re in luck!  The clip is 9 minutes, but I beg of you that you should watch the whole entire thing.  Seriously, you’ll thank me for it.

Oh and afterwards, we can all talk about “I Don’t Fucking Believe It” and who we could select as some of the contestants.