Archive | 10:06 pm

Resurrected!!

24 Sep

It’s a miracle!!

For as long as I can remember, I have been an atheist.  Not an agnostic, but an atheist.  People are entitled to their own beliefs, I just don’t necessarily believe what other people do.  Tonight, however, things may have changed.  Something so fetch redible that it could only signify divine intervention.

Remember back in April when I accidentally dropped my beautiful red ipod into my cup of coffee?  If you don’t remember, or weren’t reading back then, you’ll be stunned to hear that the ipod refused to play.  One night that I was at that place that will not be named that’s located near a park in Baltimore, I was telling someone that resembles a movie villain that is slightly evil.  It was right around the time that his establishment was going to celebrate it’s first anniversary.  I joked that I was going to keep the ipod and give it to him as a gift.

Still, I harbored hope that my sweet cherry red ipod would recover.  For weeks I talked to it, I sang to it, I stroked it gently (that’s what she said) in hopes that the thing would stop being dead.  All of this was done to no avail.  After about 4 weeks of trying, I set it aside and planned on tossing it.

But there was something that kept me from throwing it out.  Perhaps it was that it was so shiny and red, or it’s because we had a special bond-after all, it was my first.  This evening when I came home, it caught my eye.  “What the hell,” I thought and plugged it into the little speaker/charger combo.  GUESS WHAT FREAKING HAPPENED?  It started playing!!

IT IS A GOD DAMNED MIRACLE!!

Don’t Let the Door Hit You…

24 Sep

I was just sitting there with my pants around my ankles, minding my own business.  Or taking care of business, which ever you prefer.  Suddenly, it happened.  Just as Foxy said it would

Ironically enough, Foxy and I had had a little conversation about the whole thing earlier in the morning.

  • Me: I only use the first stall because people never poop there.
  • Foxy: Yeah, well I’m not risking having the door fly open when someone steps into/out of the next stall.
  • Me: You know what I’m not willing to risk?  Me walking into the stall and coming face to face with the Browns in the Super Bowl.
  • Foxy: God, you are so freaking klassy.  You really are.  Your mother should be proud.  Oh, wait, she’s Mexican.  She’s just probably happy that you got a job that doesn’t involve cultivating the land.
  • Me: You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  Why don’t you go and suck another dick in the copy room.
  • Foxy: You’re confused.  That’s what you do.  Not me.
  • Me: Damn it.  You’re right.  You prefer the bus station.

Several hours later, I found myself on my way to the loo.   This young little chick and I walked in at the same time and started discussing her wedding.  She was in the midst of telling me how fetch her shoes are as we each went into our own stalls.  As usual, I chose the first stall, and we continued our conversation about how she was giving up her freedom and would probably regret her decision for the rest of her life and how could she possibly settle down and only have sex with one man for the rest of her life, blah, blah, snore. It’s always struck me as so odd to hold a conversation over the bathroom wall in the midst of peeing.  Peeing and talking at the same time just seem so wrong, kind of like chewing gum and eating crackers at the same time. 

Anyway, I was almost finished peeing when she opened her stall door.  You would think that it would only cause HER door to open, but you would be incorrect.  There’s something jacked up in our bathroom so it caused the door to my stall to open.

I nearly flew off the toilet (because I’m a witch and I have a broomstick) to shut the door before anyone could see me.  The last thing I needed was for someone from HR to saunter past my stall to see me sitting on a god damned toilet.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit on a toilet, and pee with one leg straight out in front of you trying to hold the door closed? 

It’s freaking hard.  That’s what she said.

PussyTown, USA

24 Sep

Why should you go to RUFKM?  Because you’ll be treated with sweet words such as these:

You sir, are a pussy! Not just any kind of pussy but the biggest pussy in PussyTown living on the intersection of Pussy Lane and Vagina Avenue in a big pink candy covered house with pictures of Big Pussy from the Sopranos in every room and sleep in a bed full of pussy cats.