Archive | 5:48 pm

An Open Letter to My Body

20 Sep

Dear Body,

Hey, how’s it going?  Been a long time since we talked.  Listen, I just wanted to send you a quick note about something.  It’s been on my mind a lot today.  Look, something has to change between the two of us, and it’s this: you need to learn how to handle your alcohol better.

We went out last night, had a good time.  There were young men in their early 20’s hitting on you.  Sure, one of them was so wasted that he could barely stand, as evidenced by his desire to stand so close to you that he was nearly sitting on your lap.  But the other one wasn’t so bad-except for his jacked up pinky.  He could string a sentence together, and managed to walk without falling all over the place.  Plus everyone was so happy to give your jubblies an ogle.  Especially, that one guy that blatantly stared at your tatas, then made eye contact with you and said, “Sorry.” 

Come on, that was fun, right?  So look, if you want to go out and do that again, then you need to not be hung over the next day.  Really.  It’s embarrassing.  It really is.  Do you really have to have a headache all god damned day?  And do you have to be so freaking tired that you want to nap like an old man at 6:00 pm on a Saturday?  That’s just pathetic.  So let’s man up and cut the the shit, okay?

Great.  I’m glad we had this talk.  Think about what I’ve said.

Always, Catherinette