You Make Me Want to Be A Bigger Bitch

Ah, the sweet sweet joys of womanhood.  There are far too many to count: we have jubblies, we can grow other human beings inside our own bodies, we can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, we can even be nominees for the Vice President of the United States.  Then there’s the shitty shit part: the monthly cycle.  I’ve written in the past about the horrors of PMS, and last monthI mentioned that I was going to try something new to curb the horrocious (that would be horrible and atrocious) symptoms of PMS: Premcal.

I’m happy to report that I managed to make it through the past few days without eating the world, suffering from exhausting, or being too bloated to fit into my own clothes.  Now, if only we could take care of the whole “being a huge bitch thing.”  So far, Premcal has done squat to fix that.

Kids, refill your drinks before you keep going.  This is a long, juicy story.  One that will explain all about the truth behind the Peen Counter on the top right hand corner of this blog AND includes previously untold stories of 3D.

Ready?  Here we go…

Pooping Tranny

You read that right, I wrote “Pooping Tranny.”  That’s one of the disturbing search terms that I recently noticed was leading people to my blog.  The scary thing is, that there are multiple entries for that search term.  I’m sure that the searcher was not happy to see this post instead of a video of Venus Williams taking a poo on someone.  That’s right, I just called Venus Williams a tranny.

What the f?  Seriously!!  Who the hell wants to watch a tranny poop?  Not I, said the little red hen.  As a matter of fact, I don’t want to watch anyone do that.  Not even pee!! 

3D used to think it was hilariously funny that I would walk out of the bathroom if he was about to pee.  A few times he tried to lure me into the bathroom, thinking that he could catch me off guard.  Here’s the thing, I know the little game he was playing.  Deep down inside, he thought he could talk me into a golden shower.  In his mind, if he could only get me to not be all grossed out when he peed, then one thing would lead to another and eventually we’d be peeing on each others feet in the shower.  Well, f freaking noise.

Anyway, back to my point: people are gross.  Why must you want to see someone poop?  Why?  And why type that into google (like I just did and then was surprised when one of my coworkers appeared behind me at my desk)?  People look for the strangest things, I know that.  The super disturbing part is that sometimes, they end up here.  Again, I’m sure that they’re not pleased when they end up here instead of www.youporn.com or www.redtube.com (WARNING: don’t click on either of those links if you’re at work).

So, for those of you dirty perverts highly esteemed individuals that used any of the following search terms to land here, I’m sorry if you were disappointed.

• sit on lap fart
• hairy sissy
• she pooped on my face
• pee in cup porn
• bus station fisting
• golden shower mouth

Reason #15 for why I Hate Yogurt

Off to a great god damned start to the day.

I’m quietly sitting at my desk.  Minding my own damned business.  “Enjoying” some yogurt for my breakfast.  Somehow, I managed to completely miss my mouth (that’s what she said), and dump the spoonful of yogurt all over my sweater and my pants.

Can’t wait to have to explain that in all 3 of my meetings this afternoon. 

Mind you, this is after I burned my hand with hot coffee in the cafeteria.  Perhaps, if all the stars and planets are aligned, I’ll manage to dump my coffee down my shirt later.  That would really make for a wonderful day.

Great.  No, really.  That’s just what I wanted.