Can I Offer You A Sore?

10 Sep

We’ve all been there before.*  Not quite sure where that itch came from.  Scared and surprised to see that first sore pop up.  Embarrassed at asking the doctor for that Valtrex prescription. 

Stop pretending like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Don’t you judge me.  It just kind of happened.  There was booze, I was desperate, he whispered sweet nothings in my ear.  Sweet nothings like, “No, baby, you’re not fat,” and, “I promise this won’t hurt…as long as you don’t clench,” and, “It’s not a sore.  It’s just a pimple.”  How could I resist such smooth talk?

Okay, so that never really happened, and I don’t have the herp.  As far as you know.  But, if you’re looking for a fresh case, I know exactly where you can go to find a case.

Hey!  Look at the sign that’s in front of Pistol’s house!!

It’s a very reasonable price, if you ask me.  And you know what?  You should totally ask for the 2 for 1 special.  That’s available on the weekends.

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12 Responses to “Can I Offer You A Sore?”

  1. Ben September 10, 2008 at 10:56 am #

    I don’t….I uhhh…what??

    How could they even have made that as a typo??

    OMG, I might pee myself. I can’t believe that you commented here. I heart you (and by that I mean that you are hot like fire). You’re my new cyber crush and will be featured in upcoming Just the Tip Tuesdays. -CS

  2. Dr Zibbs September 10, 2008 at 11:00 am #

    I bought a huge tub of VD the other day and it was delicious.

    Did you spread that on bread with some KY jelly? -CS

  3. pistols at dawn September 10, 2008 at 11:05 am #

    In my defense, I’ve imported the herpes in from Asia, so I’m just trying to recoup my costs and pass the savings (and herpes) along to you.

    You’re a generous guy, you reall are a giver. -CS

  4. rojukene September 10, 2008 at 11:22 am #

    Heh, only recently I was driving to another town and saw a huge sign on the roadside, which read ‘HERNES’. The word means ‘pea’ in Estonian; people sometimes sell stuff they’ve grown or picked from the woods this way. I had just been listening to Stephen Lynch’s ‘Love Song’, which ends with the line ‘…and also, I have herpes!’

    Naturally I thought the sign said HERPES 😀 There just was no other way…

    A friend of mine then wondered whether I’d be able to misread totally random stuff, too. For example, we passed a sign that read ‘kukeseened’ (means ‘chanterelle mushrooms’) – that should be a nice long word and difficult to misread… Wrong! Nothing is impossible for my twisted mind. It didn’t even take me a second to read that as ‘tupeseened’, which means ‘yeast infection’…

    Meh, doesn’t sound half as funny when translated but I can assure you that we were laughing like lunatics, as even I was surprised at the outcome 😛

    P.S. Stephen Lynch totally should be featured in one of those upcoming JtT Tuesdays…

    Hmm…why do I not know this song? I’m thinking that I might have to run out and listen to it immediately if not sooner. And he is pretty cute too…

    As for your jacked up reading, that’s hilarious! Plus the word kukeseened looks like it could describe some dirty sexual practice. Just imagine…

    Him: Hey, baby, I want to try something new with you tonight.
    Her: Really, honey, what’s that?
    Him: I’d like to lick your back, rub up on your legs, and then kukeseened in your hair.

  5. Leigh September 10, 2008 at 12:23 pm #

    hi there,

    i love your blog….i’m addicted to it. I just found it last week and have been busy catching up.

    I’m wondering if I can get the password, so I can look at the protected ones as well?

    I live in northern bc, canada, so i’m almost 100% positive we don’t work together!

    thanks and keep up the blog ~ it’s a great distraction from work!

    Hey, Leigh! Check your email, I sent you the password. 🙂 -CS

  6. Philly September 10, 2008 at 12:32 pm #

    I freeze my herpes for future use

    #1

    Do you keep them in your own freezer? -CS

  7. Teri September 10, 2008 at 1:10 pm #

    I get cold sores, does this count?

    still not sure where I got those sons of bitches from and I don’t even know Pistols.

    Those kind of count. -CS

  8. The Guv September 10, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    Well at least they’re cheap, dude.

    I know. He’s really generous. -CS

  9. kristina September 10, 2008 at 3:05 pm #

    Why pay for them when you can get them for free? Don’t one out of four people have them, don’t even know it, and spread them around freely? That’s what I saw on a TV commercial…

    The herp? Is it that wide spread? I thought that was warts. -CS

  10. Jinksy September 10, 2008 at 3:46 pm #

    Why pay 95 cents for herpes when you get it for free?

    Some people, I swear.

    Maybe you can write it off as a tax deduction. -CS

  11. Ben September 10, 2008 at 9:38 pm #

    Oh jeez…I really need to clarify that I am far from a blog-celebrity – if there is such a thing beyond Dooce. I am certainly not worth in-pants urination! Looking forward to Tuesday then, I suppose 🙂

    But seriously…herpes herbs?

    Great, get ready for me to stalk you via email.

    Yeah, I’m not sure what that’s all about. Perhaps they’ll be the the hot new trend for vegetable gardens in 2009. -CS

  12. Del-v September 10, 2008 at 10:08 pm #

    I got my herpes from a public bathroom. A public bathroom full of dirty hookers.

    I thought it was a bus station. -CS

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