Archive | 10:11 pm

Can I Borrow Your Coat Hanger?

10 Sep

The other night that I went out with Lit’l Smokey, we ran into Un-boyfriend.  They had never met before, but Lit’l Smokey had heard stories about him.  As we sat at the sushi bar, he asked me what his deal was.  I took it upon myself to inform him all about Un-boyfriend’s disgusting ex-girlfriend.  No, not me.  The other disgusting girlfriend: Skank.  She’s the one that epitomizes klassy with a k. 

As Lit’l Smokey listened to the stories, I can only describe the look on his face as sheer horror.  And nausea.

I originally posted the story of Skank back in March of 2007, but the story is so freaking awesome, that it needs to be re-posted for all you new comers.  I warn you, if you’re eating, I highly suggest that you stop before proceeding.

I’ve made several statements to the effect that girls can be pretty gross. In this posting, I’d like to share some details about the dirtiest whore I’ve ever met. We’ll call her Skank. Skank is the ex-girlfriend of Un-boyfriend, they dated a long time ago for over a year. As you continue reading this, I believe you’ll ask yourself a question I’ve asked myself many times, “What on earth could he possibly see in her?” (Aside from himself.) 

The other thing you’ll wonder is how on earth I know all these things. Un-boyfriend has a big mouth and told me everything. Now I’m here to share it with you.

You may think that I’m just being harsh, or jealous of this girl, but you are very wrong. This girl could have been crowned queen of the trailer park. She would have received her very own rhinestone tiara with a big fat K for Klassy (not classy) in the middle. Let me highlight for you why she is such a dirty skank:

  1. Un-boyfriend used to live in a 2 bedroom apartment and he had the master suite. The suite was set up with a bathroom that had the toilet and shower, however, the sink was located in the bedroom (between the bathroom and the closet). On the random occasion where they would “make the sweet love”, she would ask him to go down on her. If he said yes, which he usually would, she would jump out of bed, throw her leg up on the sink, and splash water on her naughty bits, then she’d run back to bed. I understand the idea of being clean, but I’m pretty sure that most partners don’t want to see us “cleansing” ourselves in such a matter (am I wrong here?). Anyway, on one occasion, she asked him if she “smelled”. He was honest and said that she could be cleaner. Her response was (wait for it), “If you order tuna, you’re going to get tuna.” Klassy.
  2. Skank didn’t like to be alone, not even when she went to the bathroom. In the event that nature called, she would go into the bathroom, leave the door open and ask Un-boyfriend to talk with her-even if she was dropping the kids off at the pool (so to speak). One day when she was through, she asked him if he had a coat hanger. When he asked her why, she told him that “it” wouldn’t flush. Not only did he give her the coat hanger, but he had to help her shove “it” down the toilet. Klassy. If you ask me, people should live their entire lives without ever having to help someone else get “it” to flush down the toilet.
  3. For whatever reason, she enjoyed farting in front of others. I was raised in a nice middle class family where you just don’t do that. As far as I’m concerned, ladies don’t pass gas and we certainly do not poop-we just hold it in forever and ever and then we die. One thing she highly enjoyed was crawling into Un-boyfriend’s lap, cuddling up with him, and then farting a very loud one on him. She thought this was incredibly amusing-the rest of the people in the room did not. The other thing (and this is wicked classy right here) she enjoyed was having farting contests–with her mother-in his car. KLASSY!

Sadly, their relationship ended. That’s another story unto itself, we’ll save it for a rainy day. My friends and I still very much enjoy talking about her and her disgusting habits-especially when Un-boyfriend is around. For whatever reason, he doesn’t find it very amusing. When we go out for sushi, I always remind him that “if you order tuna, you’re going to get tuna.” He never orders it.

Mmm…Babies. Tastes Just Like Chicken!

10 Sep

Let me ask you a question: what do you do with small babies around the holidays? 

Frankly, I think if they can’t help around the kitchen, then they should help out with something else.  At our house, I have decided that they should be included as focal point of my still life pictures.  Sure, technically they’re not still life pictures if there are people in them, but I just think that babies add a little I don’t know what (I can’t spell the swanky Frenchy Frog version of that) element to the picture.

Take these two snapshots for example:

Lucy(fer) As Spoon Rest

Lucy(fer) As Spoon Rest

Damien Adds Extra Flavor to the Salad

Damien Adds Extra Flavor to the Salad

You can see how much more interesting the photographs are with the help of 2 intolerable little brats adorable children.

So, on your next holiday, consider adding some flavor and spice to your own pictures. 

Note: No babies were harmed in the writing of this blog post.

Can I Offer You A Sore?

10 Sep

We’ve all been there before.*  Not quite sure where that itch came from.  Scared and surprised to see that first sore pop up.  Embarrassed at asking the doctor for that Valtrex prescription. 

Stop pretending like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Don’t you judge me.  It just kind of happened.  There was booze, I was desperate, he whispered sweet nothings in my ear.  Sweet nothings like, “No, baby, you’re not fat,” and, “I promise this won’t hurt…as long as you don’t clench,” and, “It’s not a sore.  It’s just a pimple.”  How could I resist such smooth talk?

Okay, so that never really happened, and I don’t have the herp.  As far as you know.  But, if you’re looking for a fresh case, I know exactly where you can go to find a case.

Hey!  Look at the sign that’s in front of Pistol’s house!!

It’s a very reasonable price, if you ask me.  And you know what?  You should totally ask for the 2 for 1 special.  That’s available on the weekends.