Thanks. For Nothing.

9 Sep

The company I work for is jacked up.  And I mean freaking jacked.  Each year we make money hand over fist.  There’s so much of it that they wallpaper the executive offices with $100 bills, and all of the toilet paper in the exective washrooms is custom made in Italy…with mongrammed silk.  When you visit the headquarters, you’ll frequently see luxury vehicles parked outside, high class escorts, and mountains of cocaine in the lobby.  For corporate events they don’t hire Frankie J.  Instead, they hire someone to resurrect Frank Sinatra from the dead so he can sing.   

We’re hiring like crazy.  We have several new buildings slated to open next year.  Management has decided that the associates need 2 top of the line flat screen monitors because having 1 just isn’t quite flashy enough.  Really, there’s a lot of money here.

Yet the people in my department are treated like servants.  While the execs have luncheons with filet mignon and crab cakes, we get box lunches with tuna fish sandwiches and a mealy apple.  Come on!!  Can’t we at least have some fresh freaking fruit?  I’ll even go out and freaking pick it, cheap bastards.  When the annual stockholder meetings take place, they give us French Maid costumes and tell us not to talk back to the stock holders.  If the stock holders want to play grab ass with us and chase us around the copy room, we’re supposed to pretend we like it and demand more.

This year my department was awarded a very prestigious industry award.  There are only a handful of organizations in the country that are presented with this award on an annual basis.  We freaking kicked ass and took names.  The company benefits because now they can tell all of their richy rich prospective clients that they’re working with the best of the best.  “There’s going to be a huge celebration,” we’re told.  “You deserve the best for all of your efforts,” they say.  “It’s going to be unlike anything you’ve ever seen before,” they insist.

Today the appointments went out.  The cafeteria.  The fucking cafeteria.  That’s where they’re holding our celebration.  Really?  Really?  The god damned cafeteria?  Let me guess.  They’re going all out and getting us chicken freaking fingers and fries.  Oh!  And instead of just having iced tea in those giant corporate containers, they’re going to give us expired canned soda.

Screw you Corporate America.  Right in your filthy rich butt hole which probably gets cleaned by a platinum bidet that shoots sparkling water.

13 Responses to “Thanks. For Nothing.”

  1. Cinnkitty September 9, 2008 at 4:12 pm #

    and THAT, my dear, is exactly why Corporate America sucks and we are in the economy we are. Who cares if the little people lose their job and can’t afford to live? As long as the CEO’s, COO’S, CFO’s and all the other alphabet soup people are raking in the big bucks and taking their yacht vacations off Cape Hatteras, it’s ALLLL good in their books.


    Rich bastards! -CS

  2. Dave Q. September 9, 2008 at 4:18 pm #

    That was an awesome post! I think anyone that has truly worked for corporate America can share in that experience. That post had me rolling! LOL!

    Nice blog, btw!

    I’m glad that you enjoyed. I’m glad that my suffering that has left me traumatized forever and ever has made you giggle. 🙂 -CS

  3. Poobomber September 9, 2008 at 4:35 pm #

    They sound awesome to work for. Being self-employed and generally poor, I’d be stoked if I could throw myself a chicken finger celebration!

    That’s what you think. Here’s how it works in Corporate America. They take you out for a nice dinner, like PB & J or cold chicken fingers. Then they expect you to bend over and take it the second you’re through with your last chicken finger. I demand some freaking respect!! At least offer me a cigarette when you’re through molesting me. For the love! -CS

  4. Philly September 9, 2008 at 5:12 pm #

    Do you get ketchup or honey mustard with them there chicken fingers?


    We might luck out and get some BBQ sauce. Keeping my fingers crossed. -CS

  5. Sophie September 9, 2008 at 6:18 pm #

    I always wondered why we say “tuna fish”. It’s obvious tuna IS fish. It’s like saying “ham pig”, or steak cow”. Hmm.

    That’s a really good question. Perhaps it’s the same reason we say chicken wings. What other kind of wings would they be? -CS

  6. Desiree September 9, 2008 at 6:49 pm #

    Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. I feel your pain.

    It’s total BS. Rat bastards. -CS

  7. Foxy Luv September 9, 2008 at 7:17 pm #

    I so hate “the man”.

    That’s not what you said when you were taking it from behind the other morning. -CS

  8. Del-v September 9, 2008 at 7:56 pm #

    Working for the man sucks. I have a cushy government job with nothing to worry about. Well, unless they outsource the government to China… in which case I’m pretty much screwed.

    You government workers!! I hate you!!

    Well, not really. Unless it’s one of those holidays when everything should be open but the government decides to shutdown while I have to drag myself to work and do mindless tasks. -CS

  9. pistols at dawn September 9, 2008 at 8:47 pm #

    Ha! Still, I’m so poor I’d just be excited for some free Elio’s pizza.

    Gross. That stuff is nasty! At least hold out for some Pizza Slut. -CS

  10. Rambler September 9, 2008 at 9:35 pm #

    are you sure about platinum bidet that shoots sparkling water…may be its the expensive wine it shoots out 🙂

    Wine wouldn’t be good for your no no place. It would leave it all sticky. -CS

  11. elisabeth September 9, 2008 at 10:17 pm #

    So at my old corporate job it was a pain in the ass doing all the work for the exs and watching them take the credit and get the perks. Or you could work for a small company where no one is making any money.

    Or perhaps I could just gouge out my left eye and go out on disability. There’s always that option. -CS

  12. Boom September 9, 2008 at 11:50 pm #

    thank God I got out of that godforsaken craphole. At least @ my job they ask u if u want chicken fingers or a hot dog…

    Rub it in, why don’t you.

    Also, I don’t know how to break this to you, but your name is Boom Boom, not Boom. -CS

  13. Newmie September 10, 2008 at 10:49 am #

    You know where I work…and sister, you know I feel your pain. I actually had to go in and say, “Yeah, I am gonna need more money because if I worked any where but here, I would be pulling six figures. And uh, I am driving an SUV with 131K miles on it because I can’t afford a car payment. Yeah, thanks. Oh wait, why do I deserve more money? Because while you were in your bed sleeping last night, I was up until 2 a.m. working.”

    But I am not bitter or anything…

    Yeah, you tell them. -CS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: