Let The Douche Baggery Commence

4 Sep

My douche bag father is coming to town this weekend.  My sister and I are not very pleased.  Still, we have to make some kind of effort if we expect to remain in the will.  Not that there will be much left for us as we assume that he’ll be leaving the bulk of his estate (which is substantial) to our evil step-monster.  She has him wrapped around her bony ass little finger.  She is evil to the core.  She’s one of those women who you think is super nice, until you really get to know her and realize she’s a soul sucker with blonde hair and an annoying voice that will make your ears bleed if you listen to it for too long.

It’s been nearly 3 years since the last time they came to town.  As a matter of fact, he’s never even met Lucy(fer).  Not one single time.  He doesn’t ask for pictures, and he calls her by the wrong name. 

  • Dad: “How’s Lillian doing?”
  • Me: Her name is Lucy(fer).
  • Dad: Sorry, that’s what I meant.  She’s going to be turning 3 this year in November, right?
  • Me: How about 2 in October?
  • Dad: Hey, did I mention that your evil step-monster and I are taking a week off from our hectic life in the tropical oasis of Oahu on our estate with a pool, and heading over to our beach front property in Florida for 2 weeks?

My sister and I are hoping that Lililan Lucy(fer) uses her evil powers on him and breaks his ear drums when he attempts to pick her up.  Actually, he’ll probably throw out his back too since she weighs as much as I do.  Damien has already informed us that he doesn’t want to hang out with his other grandpa because he’s “yucky”.  Can’t wait for him to say that to my dad’s face.  Good times, good times.

Damien has met my dad on 2 other occasions.  One of them happened to be a trip to Florida to the beach front estate.  How do I begin to explain the horror that was my family trip to Florida 3 summers ago? My father and evil step-monster thought it would be grand if we could all go down there and spend some time bonding as a family.

Let me just give you a few phrases to provide you a brief description:

  1. The smell that hit us when we walked into the house where I would be staying.
  2. The disgusting toilet I had to clean with a washcloth and bar soap because no one had bothered to do it before I arrived.
  3. Random children all over the house, adding to the smell.
  4. Having to watch the birth (via Cesarean section) of a child I did not know.
  5. My step-monster’s racist father that insisted that Mexicans only eat goat and tortilla. Didn’t seem to bother him that I was Mexican, and insisted that it wasn’t the case.
  6. My step-monster’s crazy mother breaking out into song, and insulting one of her daughters. Wonderful comments included, but were not limited to:
    • “Fatty fatty 2 by 4, can’t get through the kitchen door,”
    • “My god. I didn’t think they made swimsuits in your size,” and
    • “I don’t think that chair can take all of your weight.”
  7. And let us not forget the convicted felon that had just been released. What was his crime? No one would tell us. All they would say is, “Best keep your little one away from him.”

Klassy, klassy trip.

Just thinking about it makes me want to bang my head on my desk and weep openly.

 

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15 Responses to “Let The Douche Baggery Commence”

  1. courtney September 4, 2008 at 5:16 pm #

    sounds like someone needs to kick ass, and take names….

    then burn the paper that the names were written on, and swear everyone to secrecy!!

    I love burning paper. Especially if it has people’s names written on it. -CS

  2. Slick September 4, 2008 at 5:45 pm #

    LOL geeeez, sounds like you folks are gonna have a ball!!

    Better ya’ll than me is all I’ll say.

    Oh, and Good Luck!

    Magical times. That’s what I’m expecting… -CS

  3. Mrs. Flabby and Unfabulous September 4, 2008 at 5:59 pm #

    run. very far and very fast. Douche Bag fathers are far too rampant in this world.

    Far too rampant.

    Yes, sad but true. -CS

  4. kristina September 4, 2008 at 6:08 pm #

    Do they know about your blog? Maybe you should direct them to it… oh wait, no, not if you wish to remain in the will… bad idea… move along… nothing to see here…

    What blog? You can’t prove anything! -CS

  5. Del-v September 4, 2008 at 8:41 pm #

    I thought Mexicans only ate Chalupas and Gorditas.

    And beans. Don’t forget beans. -CS

  6. sista #2 September 4, 2008 at 11:36 pm #

    Sounds like good times

    I know, right! -CS

  7. pistols at dawn September 5, 2008 at 12:08 am #

    This dude sounds magical. I think I’d pretend I was out of town.

    I can’t imagine why you would do that!! -CS

  8. octavpelin September 5, 2008 at 7:00 am #

    run very far,and Good Luck!

    I don’t run. But I will walk quickly. -CS

  9. Amar September 5, 2008 at 8:12 am #

    You should be ashamed for disrespecting your father.

    Right, because he was by my side the whole time I was sick this summer-while I was in the hospital. No, wait. He didn’t even bother to call me when I was in the hospital. -CS

  10. Newmie September 5, 2008 at 9:16 am #

    And you’re blowing me off for a day of football, beer and mocking white trash for THAT?:)

    Hey, it’s for the inheritance. -CS

  11. Andrew September 5, 2008 at 10:16 am #

    Family – can’t live with ’em. Can’t hunt them.

    Well you can, but then you go to jail. -CS

  12. The Diva's Thoughts September 5, 2008 at 3:37 pm #

    Your father sounds like a very interesting fellow indeed.

    That’s one word you could use to describe him. -CS

  13. Amadeo September 5, 2008 at 8:08 pm #

    1)Purchase a flask
    2)Fill it with your favorite hooch
    3)Drink
    4)Claim no responsibility for your actions
    5)Have someone filming

    Somehow, I managed to make it through the day without an ounce of liquor. Crazy, I know. -CS

  14. Jenna September 6, 2008 at 9:25 am #

    Wow. Sounds like you win the awesome family Olympics with this lot. Best of luck, darilin’. Keep the martinis on hand.

    Can you believe I made it through the day without a single drink?? -CS

  15. Not Carrie Bradshaw September 7, 2008 at 7:56 pm #

    I’m with Amadeo. At least that’s how I deal with my mom.

    That’s how I deal with my mom most of the time too… -CS

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