Lit’l Smokey Gets in Your Eyes

1 Sep

Last Thursday I found myself somewhere that I never thought I’d be.  Not in the women’s correctional facility-been there, done that.  Rather, I found myself sitting next to Lit’l Smokey at the last Raven’s preseason game.

When I was presented with free tickets to the game, I jumped at the chance to go.  I hate sports with a fiery passion.  I don’t get the allure.  I have no idea why people want to talk about running yards, and stats, and blah, blah, other boring stuff.  When I was in high school and college, I enjoyed going to football games.  But that’s because I liked hearing the shoulder pads click when the players tackled each other.  Also, I thought that it was a great place to meet boys.  Now a days, I know better.  A professional football game is not where you go and meet single men.  Instead, it’s a place where you drink over priced beers and try to get a man’s attention while he yells at players miles away that will a) never hear him, b) never take his sporting advice even if they could.  Still, I enjoy going to the games and people watching.  I enjoy my chicken tenders as I wonder about the life of the middle aged fat man dressed in head to toe purple camo.  Is he happy with his life?  Does he actually think that cheerleader on the end is going to go home with him?

Lit’l Smokey happened to be there when I was given the tickets, and I invited him to come along.  As he loves me deep down inside-so deep down that he doesn’t even know it-he said yes.

The day of the game arrives…and it’s freaking pouring.  I mean raining cats and dogs.  There’s so much rain that it’s practically like we’re living in a waterfall.  It sucked.  Thankfully, the rain cleared and we were able to make it.  We decide to get some dinner first.  He offers to pay since I brought him along.  I told him that wasn’t necessary.  So we’re outside the restaurant and I stop at the ATM machine.  It was wicked awesome when I tried to withdraw money from my account, only to find out that I had -$95 in my account.  So not embarrassing when I told him that I had less than no money in my account and he was going to have to pay for everything.  Just the kind of impression I was hoping to make.

Okay, so screw dinner and screw the game. Let’s get to the good stuff.  I learned more stuff about Lit’l Smokey that night than I had ever hoped to learn.  As we are both recently single, we enjoy spending quality time bitching about how crappy relationships are, and how much our exes suck, and that we still love them, and that we need to get some ass, etc.  Well, Lit’l Smokey went into overshare drive, and this is before we started boozing it up.

You’re in luck, kids, because I’m going to share with you what he told me:

  1. Baby Tramp told him that she had never had a cookie with a guy before she met him.  She told him that she thought she was broken.  He showed her the light, so to speak.  When I told some of my girlfriends this story, they all had the same reaction that I did: Baby Tramp lied through her baby teeth.  Guys, I hate to break this to you, but when a girl tells you that, it’s a lie.  We just say it to you to make you feel all manly and sexually competent.
  2. Baby Tramp didn’t give good head.  I’m sure this is probably because she’d rather have a binky in her mouth than a dick.  I’m just saying.
  3. He loved it when the 2 of them were doing it doggy style and she grabbed his smokey sac.  I could have lived my whole entire life not knowing this.  Really.  Ugh.  Yuck.
  4. Baby Tramp was one of those girls that was…how should I put this?…like a sprinkler.  I think you get my drift.  If you don’t, then you’re going to need to learn a little something about female ejaculation.  Ugh, just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
  5. The first time he had a bartles & jaynes was when he was in 8th grade.  Yeah, you read that right, 8th grade.  Oh, and here’s the best part.  The girl that gave it to him, also gave one to his very best friend.  On the same night.  Right in front of him.  I was shocked to hear that she later went on to develop a coke problem and then became an escort.

I’m sure you’ll all be shocked to hear that later on, when he made a pass at me in the parking garage, I rejected his advances.  After all his “sweet talk” that night, there was no way that I was going to hook up with him.  Oh, and also, it was kind of hard to reject his advances because he actually never made them.  Unless his idea of seduction is talking about how hot the sex was with Baby Tramp.  Yeah, didn’t quite do it for me.

8 Responses to “Lit’l Smokey Gets in Your Eyes”

  1. Bexy at 1:21 am #

    Damn, I was really hoping you and Smokey would end up running away together. I hope you can chalk up the sack-grabbing story to intoxication? Do you think he’s mortified that he said that to you? He should be.

    Oh, I’d chalk it up to that if he had actually had any booze before telling that particular story. -CS

  2. Gunn Lino at 9:29 am #

    The sack grabbing part, chalk that up to excessive honesty in the heat of the moment.
    The hooking up attempt after an confession session, bad form to say the least.
    Personally I’m happy you said I’ll pass. I think you would have regretted that a lot.

    Okay, you totally missed that I was kidding when I said he made a pass at me. He totally didn’t. -CS

  3. Amadeo at 9:29 am #

    Maybe you should have grabbed his sack?

    PASS! -CS

  4. Newmie at 10:05 am #

    First off…He was using sex talk with his ex as an ice breaker to totally get in your pants. I know because he toltally told me was doing that…

    Okay, I am lying.

    Second…EWE! TMI. Sounds like his sack might be L’il Smokey from that untreated rash. I would make him scrub with Chlorox and a Brillo before putting his junk anywhere near you.:) And make him gargle with it too. Now you know where that mouth has been.

    Ugh, the thought kind of makes me want to hurl. I haven’t reached that level of desperation. -CS

  5. kristina at 12:57 pm #

    Geebus woman!! In your previous post, you made it sound like this was going to be a totally hot, steamy story with you and Lit’l Smokey, and then it turns out to be typical guys’ locker room fare starring him and his ex-gf.

    I am so disappointed.

    I may have to not read your blog any more.

    Well, OK, at least not this post ever again (excuse my while I go hurl and then bleach my eyeballs…).

    God, you’d think that I had written the previous post to totally mislead you. Which is a totally fair statement. 🙂 -CS

  6. lailani at 2:05 pm #

    the cookie thing- I have shamelessly used this also.

    That’s because you’re a girl. 🙂 -CS

  7. pistols at dawn at 11:27 pm #

    Women do totally use that lie about no cookies! I hear it all the time. I fight back by never lasting more than eight seconds, so they can get a little bit of honesty in the claim they’ll make to the next guy.

    The nice thing about you doing that is that it doesn’t count as per Georgia’s Rule. -CS

  8. caribbeanlurker at 1:28 pm #

    I’d been out for a couple of weeks and so much happened!
    Anyways.. that Lil’Smokey seems quite naive, if you can fool him with never had a cookie before him.. omy.. where does he come from? And after all his trapos sucios, eeew.

    Es un cochino! -CS

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