May I Offer You A Cup of Pee?

11 Aug

This afternoon Foxy and I had a really sophisticated lunch.  In addition to discussing the finer things in life, like luxury travel, Mahnolo Blahnik, and George Clooney, we also managed to bring up a very important topic: dirty sex.  I know, it’s shocking.  How could two such “respectable ladies” possiby bring up such a topic?  Well, it gets even crazier.  We manged to make time to talk about golden showers, Cleveland steamers, and snowballing.  Just to be clear here, we’re not interested in having anything to do with any of those things.  What we discussed was our curiousity of how such practices are brought up in a relationship. 

What are the logistics here?  Do you invite someone to pee on you?  And if you do?  Do you also discuss the clean up afterwards?  How on God’s green earth do you possibly bring up the prospect of a Dirty Sanchez?  I can just imagine that conversation…

  • Partner #1: Hey, honey.  You know what would be super romantic?
  • Partner #2: No, dear.  What’s that?
  • Partner #1: How about you put it in my pooper, and then when we’re through, you take the tip of your peen and draw a little mustache on me?
  • Partner #2: That sounds delightful!  Let me just finish paying these bills and we can get started.

How, exactly, does one bring up their interest in deviant sexual practices?  Really, how does this happen?   

I’ve never considered myself to be a prude.  I’m willing to try new things in the bedroom, within reason.  I have sex for the fun of it, not to pay my bills, so there are definitely limits as to what I’m willing to try.

You want to bring props?  Fine.  You want to do it on the floor or the dining room table?  Super.  You want to whisper dirty things in my ear?  Go ahead.  But please don’t tell me that you want to bring in a midget and have me dress up like a nurse.  I pass on that.  I’m going to stop the talk of bukkake right this very second.  Don’t even freaking bring that up near me.  And no, you cannot…um…finish on my face.  F that noise!  There are designated drop zones, and my face is not one of them.

But I digress, this post isn’t about what I am and am not willing to do.  It’s really about how these things even come up in the course of a relationship.  So, dear readers, I ask you…no, I beg of you, to educate me.  There have to be some of you that are into those dirty, naughty practices.  So tell me, how do you broach the subject and talk your partner into it?? 

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23 Responses to “May I Offer You A Cup of Pee?”

  1. Liz August 11, 2008 at 7:13 pm #

    LMAO…..I have no clue how to answer your question, since none of those types of things have been brought up in any of my relationships thankfully…lol..if they had been I think I’d leave and ignore them and just laugh and point to my firends everytime I saw them…lol….sorry I’m no help…..

    Liz are you googling like a school girl? If you are, it’s because you’re totally into this stuff secretly… -CS

  2. Claude August 11, 2008 at 7:32 pm #

    Claude here, to offer the gay perspective on fetishes. For my people, its incredibly easy. We have wonder “dating” sites that we can go to. On your profile, you list all your interests, abbreviated of course. You also clearly indicate whether you would prefer to be the giver/receiver/both. So right away, you log in search out some profiles that “meat” you interests.

    For instance, right this moment I’m logged into the most popular of these “dating” sites and have found 184 men willing to be the receiver for FF just within the limits of the District of Columbia. In a matter of seconds, I can email them and in no time flat be at there house up to my elbows. Simple. Elegant. Klassy.

    I have no clue how you breeders make those types of arrangements, but in my ‘mo world, its as easy as emailing “Your rubber sheets or mine”.

    My apologies to any of you straight men who googled FF and have left your computer crying.

    Claude, what on earth would I do without you? I’ve learned so much from you. After all, who else could have told me about cuddle parties, puppy piles, and furries? You are the best friend a girl could ever have. -CS

  3. Amadeo August 11, 2008 at 8:04 pm #

    Makes note to not google FF.

    I suspect that the first time booze is involved in all of them. Booze and one person with a plot.

    Is it like an evil plot from a scary movie? -CS

  4. cinnkitty August 11, 2008 at 8:08 pm #

    Yep… Claude has the right of it (says the poor, sweet innocent little cinnkitty). 🙂

    One of the blogs I follow happens to be living the swinger lifestyle and she recently posted a blog about a site called “FetLife” The tag line is “for kinksters by kinksters” .

    The peeps I have that are into fetish play also have the incredible ability to sniff out “vanilla” and steer clear anyway. It’s like “gaydar” only….for fellow fetish followers. (hee..hee.. alliteration is my friend!)

    How do they know??

    Bt dubs…I’m on my way to that website right this very second. -CS

  5. Stephanie August 11, 2008 at 9:27 pm #

    Is Claude willing to give a seminar on all of these? Clearly I am old school…I guessed the FF but had no clue about a Dirty Sanchez.

    Claude, we need you to hold some classes. Can you get right on that? -CS

  6. Mike August 11, 2008 at 9:57 pm #

    “Designated drop zones” – LMAO.

    Hard core fetish people just love certain things like you love Monc whatsitsname shoes. Talking about it is just like normal dirty talk for everyone else.

    Oh, Mike. It’s Mahnolo Blahnik!! -CS

  7. Del-v August 11, 2008 at 10:02 pm #

    I worked with a guy who was a swinger. He was this short fat guy and he would swing with a couple and the girl who he and his girlfriend swung with had a colostomy bag. Then he would tell everyone in the office about it. I’m also not trying to be a prude here, but some things you really need to keep to yourself.

    Wait. Are you saying that they would include the colostomy bag in their…um…adventures? -CS

  8. SinCity August 11, 2008 at 11:19 pm #

    First off… I heart you for saying “put it in my pooper”. i thought I was the only one to reference such things in such a way. Not that I’m asking for such things, bt dubs 🙂

    But I digress… Aside from Claude’s suggestion of openness on sites such as ManHunt (which, seriously, they need a straight woman’s version of that…) where it’s quite acceptable to be so open, I think ppl experiment by acting first and asking forgiveness later…

    For example: with regards to the “putting it in the pooper” – there are ways to make it known – women waiving their ass in the face of their partner during um… well. You know. OR men, bumping their peeny into the pooper “accidentally” repeated number of times.

    It escalates from there. I personally have never really understood fetishes like the Dirty Sanchez. Why god, why would you want to??????

    that’s my two cents worth… but what do I know? 😉

    That stupid accidental bump!! Gents, here’s a little tidbit for you: we know that you didn’t “accidentally” slip out and then bang up against our backdoors 10 times. I declare SHENANIGANS on you!! We freaking know what you’re trying to do, and I am out on that. -CS

  9. Mrs. Flabby and Unfabulous August 11, 2008 at 11:42 pm #

    oh my brain
    oh my eyes
    thats all I can muster for now..lol

    Is that all you can muster because you’re going to http://www.manhunt.com to see what Claude was talking about? -CS

  10. pistols at dawn August 12, 2008 at 12:50 am #

    If your partner’s comatose, there aren’t a whole lot of things to bring up.

    Valid point. -CS

  11. Hookdntx August 12, 2008 at 9:15 am #

    Rent filthy porn, make your partner watch it and ask if they would ever do that….

    …. or have done that

    But where on earth would you get that type of porn? -CS

  12. thehabitualcohabiter August 12, 2008 at 10:37 am #

    I personally have to agree with you about the designated drop zones. That being said, if I or my partner wanted to try something new, I think alcohol is the best way to go. This way, if it turns out to be especially embarrassing you can both pretend to have been black out drunk and not remember what happened.

    Here’s my thinking: if it’s crazy enough that you have to booze it up to request it, I’m probably not interested. -CS

  13. LittleGirlBlue August 12, 2008 at 11:05 am #

    I am going to have to quote Sarah Silverman here and say, First of all doodie comes out of there. Second of all doodie comes out of there. Also, because I’m in college and occasionally have to deal with frat boys what the hell is up with “the shocker”? An ex once “slipped” and I jumped about a foot in the air. Total buzz kill.

    I’m with Sarah Silverman. That’s a one way area, and I just freaking vote no on proposition stick it in my pooper. -CS

  14. Falwless August 12, 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    I cannot wait to see where these comments go. I, for one, think it’s wise to just bring it up on the first date. “Listen, sometimes I’m going to want you to pretend I’m a girl and you’re my daddy and you need to teach me some things that naughty girls should know. And also, I might at some point need you to really talk dirty and make your “drop zone” my face and hair, and then lick me clean. So, tell me more about you, what did you say you do for work again?”

    In related news, I never typed this comment and you can’t prove it.

    Hmm…it sounds like you have an awful lot of experience in this topic. Perhaps I’ll start writing your name and number on the bathroom walls with this comment:

    Bukkake babe seeks dirty daddy.

    Is that wrong? -CS

  15. LarryLily August 12, 2008 at 1:38 pm #

    I knew two women, not at the same time however, that if you gave them tequila, even without the worm, would let you do nearly anything to them.

    LOL

    probably more back door stuff happens that way!

    I thought I asked you not to bring up my past. We talked about this! -CS

  16. Liz August 12, 2008 at 2:40 pm #

    I had a friend once, a long time ago, that I talked to for a while.

    Apparently, unknown to me, he was interested in his own ass. This is how he told me.

    Me: Did you eat today?
    Him: I had some hotdogs a little bit ago.
    Me: Okay.
    Him: The whole time I was eating them, it reminded me that I really want you to take a dildo to my ass and f*** me.
    Me: Ummm…

    Him = Blunt
    Him + Dildo = More Blunt
    LMAO!!

    Holy Mary mother of dirty, dirty boys! -CS

  17. Always In Style August 12, 2008 at 3:52 pm #

    Hilarious – I’m sending this to my hubby.

    You have to come back and let us know how he reacts! -CS

  18. New B-bloger August 14, 2008 at 3:25 am #

    omg… people have the most random fetishes some i can understand and others there is no freaking way i could ever think about actually doing or having some one do it to me… but on the other hand what ever makes your world go round go for it. And the best way to tell your partner is that you want to get kinky… be blunt and dont use metaphors they could confuse what you are saying with something else… you do not want to take that risk!

    It would be kind of funny if someone was interested in something like a Clevelend Steamer and didn’t explain it right. I can imagine the requester getting all excited and laying there just waiting for the load to drop. Then the giver would just drop little Thomas the Tank Enginge steam engines on his chest. -CS

  19. LA August 20, 2008 at 10:52 am #

    OK, I’ve been lurking here a while… perhaps this isn’t the post to make my first comment on but fuck it. Until a month ago I would have been right with ya on the whole dirty sex thing… until I started doin’ my current lovah. The golden shower… don’t knock it til you try it. How does one ask for such a thing? A whole lotta booze and great big coner and the inhibitions just melt away! That’s as dirty as lovah boy and I get. I’ll tell you this though, even before we moved from ‘normal’ dirty sex to the lsightly more ‘freaky’ dirty sex… best sex of my life. Seriously. Don’t judge me 😉

    But I need the details of how this was brought up. Run me through the conversation!! I promise not to get all Judge Judy on you. -CS

  20. LA August 20, 2008 at 12:56 pm #

    OK, if memory serves… we, the lovah and I, have had many, MANY conversations about various fantasies. Role playing, dressing up, positions, dirty talk, porn (wow, maybe we ARE freaks?). I think I mentioned, drunk and stoned also helps? Anyhoo, he said ‘I saw this thing once and really wanted to try it. But I don’t know if I should even tell you, I don’t want you to think I’m a freak.’ Me, in my lovely drunken stupour ‘Tell me. If I don’t want to do it, I won’t. But if you don’t tell me then we’ll never know.’

    I was more than a little shocked by the request when he finally spit it out. At first it was just wanting to watch… how it progressed from watching to aiming I don’t really remember… Now, had I been sober it never would have happened. However, having done it… I’m ashamed to admit… I liked it. Remember, you promised, no judgement. I really am a normal upstanding citizen, very responsible, etc, etc. I haven’t even confessed this particular fetish to my best friend, yet. And it won’t be coming up in any conversations with future lova’s either. Any questions? lol

    See, this is EXACTLY what I needed to know. EXACTLY. Finally, insight into how this all goes down (so to speak).

    Oh, and PS, the dirty talk, different postions, etc. do not make you a freak. Unless the ball gag and the Gimp make an appearance, you’re okay in my book. -CS

  21. LA August 20, 2008 at 1:17 pm #

    BTW, I can’t believe I just admitted this in public, for the whole ‘interweb’ to see. please don’t ever post email address!!

    I would never in a million billion years tell anyone that your email address is LA_golden_showers@yahoo.com . -CS

    Bt dubs, I totally just made that up. God I’m so funny!

  22. LA August 20, 2008 at 1:40 pm #

    Phew, I was starting to worry my ‘normal’ exterior was starting to crack! Definitely no ball gags or Gimps… a girls’s gotta draw the line somewhere. We my put a toe over occasionally but that’s not the point!

    Nothing wrong with the occassional toe over the line. 🙂 -CS

  23. LA August 20, 2008 at 1:45 pm #

    DAMN YOU for posting my email, Damn you to hell!! Oh wait, you think any hot, I mean ‘nice guys’ might be interested?? lol

    Cheers

    Hey, I’m keeping any of those guys to myself! -CS

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