An Open Letter to Life

5 Aug

Dear Life,

What have I done to deserve this treatment?  No.  Really?  I do not molest small children.  I do not torture small animals.  I have never even taken a magnifying glass to an ant.  Come on, now.  Why must it pour when it rains?

First, the mess at home with 3D.  Fine, it’s semi dealt with even though I still don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.  I’m a complete and utter mess most of my waking hours.  It’s awesome that I walk around starving, but I can’t eat anything without wanting to puke.  At least the tears have stopped (for the most part).

Second, I’m breaking out.  There’s been no sight of Simone since May.  All of sudden you send her back in full force AND you have the audacity to send one of her little friends.  Really?  Is that necessary?  I mean really?

Finally, and this is the worst offense, you won’t even let me take a god damned shower!!  I’m being ass raped by the oil company.  I pay over $700 for 150 gallons of oil, am told that the fuel will be delivered last Friday.  Then I get a call that it’ll be delivered on Tuesday.  Well, now it’s Tuesday and I just got a phone call telling me that there will be no fuel for me until Thursday!  For the love of all the small woodland creatures!!  Why??  For $700 they should be delivering the fuel toots sweet, give me a lap dance, and an orgasm.  Come on now!!  But nooooooooooo.  Instead, I get to take fake showers for another 2 days.  Freaking great.  Just great.

Hey, you know what would be awesome?  How about if, when I walk out to the parking garage later, I have a slashed tire?  That would be really super.  Oh!  Or, maybe you could arrange for me to get pulled over for speeding.  Awesome.  Looking forward to it.

Suck it.



15 Responses to “An Open Letter to Life”

  1. Cinnkitty August 5, 2008 at 1:55 pm #

    OMG!! I’m so, so, sorry! Simone and her f*ng homies have been camped out IN FORCE on my chin and cheeks for a week now and then I started using that clean and clear stuff YOU recommended so the girls must have decided to take revenge on you.


    Hang in there toots! At least it’s really hot so “psuedo” showers feel okay, right? RIGHT??

    Simeone ruins everything always. Always and forever. I hate her with a fiery passion equal to a 100 exploding volcanoes. -CS

  2. Me in Md August 5, 2008 at 2:18 pm #

    omg just when u think things cant get worse! Im sorry to hear about your luck – for some reason my life seems to always be exactly where yours is at any given time – so…. can u hurry up and turn it around for my sake?????? please – lol
    fyi – i am in the exact place u r – just ended a two month intense relationship and am soooooo lost!
    Hang in there

    Are you sure it’s not my life that follows yours? It totally could be, so straighten it all out so my life gets back on track. Get on it! -CS

  3. Liz August 5, 2008 at 2:20 pm #

    Everything always sucks before it gets better. So in my mind, if stuff really sucks, then it will get really better!! Do you follow me?!?!?

    Are you saying that there’s no where to go but up? -CS

  4. Gotham Girl August 5, 2008 at 2:29 pm #

    Hang in there… things will get better. 🙂

    God I hope so. -CS

  5. Boom August 5, 2008 at 2:40 pm #

    I think the rule is that things usually happens in 3’s right? So between 3d, simone & friend, and your oil issue, I think u are covered at this point! That silver lining should be poking it’s head out any minute now….

    Oh, Boom-Boom, I know this rule of 3. I just don’t want to have to handle it right this very second. Stupid rule of 3! -CS

  6. Me in Md August 5, 2008 at 3:37 pm #

    ill do what i can 🙂

    Sweet, let me know when everything’s in order. -CS

  7. Desiree August 5, 2008 at 3:57 pm #

    Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve been reading this blog long enough to handle your rage. I’m a little skeered.

    I breathe fire. Careful! -CS

  8. Andrew August 5, 2008 at 4:33 pm #

    I know what you did wrong, its all that cruelty towards Peeps.

    You must start a Peeps reserve instantly, tend and nurture millions of them, then the curse will be lifted.


    Peeps for the Ethical Treatment of People

    But all of the Peeps have been eaten!! Maybe I’ll have to start a campaign for 2009. Then again, Halloween is coming up and there will be little bat and ghost shaped peeps that will need to be saved.

    …Or I can just come up with a Halloween Peeptini recipe instead. I’ll call it the Peepweeni. -CS

  9. HonestChitChat August 5, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    Poor thing. I think your blog is cute. I hope that makes you feel better 🙂

    It does make me feel a little better. -CS

  10. Augusto August 5, 2008 at 5:22 pm #

    uhmm….you waited until you were completely out of water-heating-oil to order more? Or is the delivery company just a shit-for-brains organization.

    Sorry life sucks so much now.

    As if the whole romance crumbled thing isn’t enough.

    I wasn’t completely out, I was almost out. They have some new billing system which is jacking everything up. Thanks, Carroll Fuel. -CS

  11. lailani August 5, 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    Sometimes, bad stuff happens to good people. Not that you’re a good people. Just sayin.

    I knew you’d never be calling me good. If you said, “sometimes bad things happen to whores,” I’d know you were talking about me. Or Foxy. Either one of us. -CS

  12. Bob Dobalina August 5, 2008 at 8:43 pm #

    Voted. May your increased ranking make everything better.

    Seriously, sorry shit is so rough this week. You’re still my hero.

    Am I your hero even though I don’t wear a cape? -CS

  13. dmy August 5, 2008 at 9:28 pm #

    Hey I totally get this and feel for ya…sometimes Karma just sucks I really thought I had whited out the shit…hang in there and have a drink! It wont make it go away but…..

    I enjoyed a 1/2 a bottle of wine in the company of Muffy last night. That was good stuff. -CS

  14. Amadeo August 5, 2008 at 10:54 pm #

    I could find some male strippers to send to you…would that help at all? How about someone wearing a shirt that says “Life” that you can slap at your leisure?

    Can you send a stripper with that shirt? -CS

  15. Nanny Goats August 6, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    Oh dear, when it rains it pours, doesn’t it? Well, here’s a hug, a kick, and a vote!

    Thanks, Nanny Goats! -CS

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