Stage 5

4 Aug

Remember stage 5 about beating the dead horse?  Well guess what?  I have my stick in hand and it’s time to do some beating.

It’s one of those days when I wonder why I bothered getting out of bed.  I don’t have reminders of him at home, but there are pictures and other things scattered around my workspace.  Everywhere I turn my head there’s something that reminds me.  Trying to get anything accomplished at work is near impossible.  I might as well try to figure out the meaning of life, or try to balance the budget.  It ain’t gonna happen.  Instead, I find myself staring blankly at my computer wondering where it all went to shit. 

I can’t eat.  Food doesn’t taste right-even water has a funny taste to it.  My stomach is trying to revolt and wants to hurl itself out of my body.  I’m hungry, but the thought of putting anything in my mouth (that’s what she said) makes me want to hurl.  Everything’s just off.

I’m sad.  I miss him.  I just want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him I’m sorry and that we can work it out.  He’s broken.  How do you work that out?  I can’t change him.  He can’t change himself unless he’s sitting in a therapist’s office, but he has to make that decision on his own.  Do I wait around for that to work itself out?  Do I give us another chance if he’s willing to do what it take?  Or is he beyond repair and I’d be wasting my time?

On Saturday I sent him a long email with everything I had been thinking and feeling and how I didn’t know what to do next, that I needed time to figure things out and I’d get back to him on Friday.  He wrote back telling me to take all the time that I needed, and that he was sorry, and that if I’d give us another chance, we could work things out.  He said he was going back to counselling to figure things out for himself.  He said he hoped that my time alone would give me the answers that I was looking for.

My mother told me that only I have the answers, but I can’t find them.  She said I had to follow my heart, but I can’t hear what it’s telling me or see where it’s taking me.

I freaking hate feeling this way.

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15 Responses to “Stage 5”

  1. LarryLily August 4, 2008 at 1:26 pm #

    sleep on it. Let the mind do its sorting out. If your gut has been a solid friend to you in the past, listen to it. But dont do or say anything more for a few more days.

    It may be over, but it maybe just a reality check.

    Bitch being you I know, but its your shoes, and they only fit your feet.

    Mama needs a new pair of shoes… -CS

  2. Desiree August 4, 2008 at 1:57 pm #

    As women, we usually want to over-analyze everything. What I have learned with my current relationship is that I need to be quiet/still and let my honey ‘just be’ sometimes, instead of trying to fix and/or understand everything about him.

    It sucks, because my guy is broken, too, but I’ve said it before: patiently (or not so patiently, in my case), OBSERVING the changes he is making BECAUSE he wants to be with me, makes it worthwhile.

    Are you okay with waiting for him to work out his issues in therapy? Or are his issues really deal-breakers? Like I said the other day, how far are you willing to push YOURSELF before you throw in the towel?

    I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I really do love him, and want him to get better-but he has to want that for himself. You know? I don’t know whether I wait around for him to take the steps he needs to fix himself, or if that’s a waste of my time. I just don’t know. Therein lies the problem. -CS

  3. thenextfish August 4, 2008 at 2:26 pm #

    I think you’ve made your decision and it’s easier to keep the door open than to completely morn the finality of losing the relationship. If he’s not making you feel good about yourself at 2 months then he is never going to. Relationships are as much about the dynamic the two of you create than they are about the other person… don’t feel guilty as I’m sure he has learnt something important for next time.

    I hate that it’s so freaking hard. Why can’t they just be easy all the time? Life would be so much better. -CS

  4. Rachel August 4, 2008 at 2:32 pm #

    First I am really sorry. I do hope things get better for you whatever decision you make.

    I know my ex-husband had real problems and I was always amazed at some of the things he would say/do. It was a slow process that just got worse as years went by. I always wondered how in the world could he love me and be so cruel at the same time. To me you can’t treat people you care and love like that.

    He had self esteem issues with a terrible temper and although he never hit me he could be a complete SOB. I stayed for 6 years mostly because of my kid and finally left. Now I am amazed at how much better my life is. He always felt bad after an episode but it didn’t change what he said during them. And he would agree to help when I begged him but he never truly wanted it. He did want to change but didn’t want to put in the time and effort it takes for real change. That takes a long time and not many people want to go through that.

    You deserve better and it is always hardest right after a break up. Give yourself some time and see how you feel. I would think you’d know the difference between some emotional issues and bordering on cruelty. I think at our age we all have some baggage just make sure it is the carry on kind and not steamer trunks ~ ok?

    ((((CS))))

    I can’t stick around for him if he’s not willing to do something about his issues, that much I do know. If I were to stay with the way things are now, I can only imagine what would happen to me. He’s not cruel, but he is damaged.

    Now, if, on the other hand, he’s willing to do something, why can’t I give him another chance? And would he really take it seriously? Is he doing it for himself or is he doing it because he thinks that’s what I want to hear?

    I just have so many questions that I want answered. -CS

  5. Jane Wonder August 4, 2008 at 2:49 pm #

    Sometimes I think that advice about following your heart is the most damaging thing. The truth is, you need the time.Forcing a decision now, one way or the other, will inevitably be wrong.

    The shit thing about my advice, is that it means being miserable now is inevitable. Sorry about that.

    I’m sad you are in stage 5 though. Stage 4 had a serious potential for fun and I think it’s time we had some. Can we take a step back? The booze might make Stage 5 funny. Just sayin’.

    We can always go back to stage 4. Just let me make sure that I can hold down some food first. I seriously think that I’m going to freaking puke any second now.

    Aren’t we quite a pair. -CS

  6. Mike August 4, 2008 at 2:51 pm #

    When we care about someone it hurts to let go even though it is the right thing to do. We can hope and pray that the one we love will get better, but it is completely out our hands.

    I agree with you-I know I can’t change him. He has to want to change himself and take the steps to actually do it. Not just give it lip service. -CS

  7. Red August 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm #

    The most illuminating thing to me was when you wrote the other day, “He loved me and I thought I loved him.” If you realize after sleeping on it a few nights that you _do_ love him, then it might be worth another chance if he gets his shit together. If it’s a “close but no cigar” kinda thing, or if you feel like you _should_ love him because in some ways he’s such a great guy or whatever then you’re better off seeking greener pastures or, as it strikes me at the moment, shopping for shoes that fit better. ((CS)), indeed.

    I would never settle, that’s something I decided a long time ago. Good on paper, is not good enough for me. But how long is it going to take for him to get his shit together? -CS

  8. B August 4, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    I think we can love someone and still not be compatible with them…it totally sucks…recently been through something that sounds kind of similar. Hang in there…

    You make a very valid point, and so did Patty Smyth when she crooned “sometimes love just ain’t enough.” -CS

  9. Del-v August 4, 2008 at 3:16 pm #

    You can’t fix people. Sorry.

    That’s the first rule of dating. I know this. But I can still want him to change, right? -CS

  10. Philly August 4, 2008 at 3:22 pm #

    I believe your Mother is right !!

    #1

    For once, maybe she is right. Me not know. -CS

  11. Teri August 4, 2008 at 4:00 pm #

    I have a saying

    “when in doubt, do nothing”

    AND I have to agree with Desiree. Be quiet and still and let it just work itself out.

    I don’t know how to be quiet. I’m the loudest person in the world, next to my sister. -CS

  12. suze August 4, 2008 at 6:15 pm #

    If and when he fixes himself, then you can give him another chance – if you’re available. Waiting around for someone to change – well that’s just putting your life and possibly a new love on hold.

    I think you’re just feeling the “break up” and you’re second guessing yourself. We all do that – but there’s a reason for the break up. Hang in there.

    Everything just freaking sucks. -CS

  13. Liz August 4, 2008 at 7:30 pm #

    I’m sooo (b/c the extra ‘o’s’ make it that much more sympathetic, right?) sorry you are going through all of this…I used to try to stick to a rule when I was dating…if I choose to break up w/ someone it’s for a good reason, and no matter how much I wanted to say, “For the love of God, I was wrong, take me back and make sweet monkey love to me!!’ (okay, maybe not monkey love), I couldn’t back down and let them back into my life so easily. If there was something wrong with the relationship in the first place, chances are they won’t get worked out…but you have to trust yourself too, and if you truely think it can be ‘fixed’ by counselling, then go for it…It really sucks getting involved again with the same perswon just to be let down….

    I hope I could at least give you a small smile today! I’d appreciate a chuckle, but will settle for a smile.. 😉

    He can help himself, I know he can. I believe he can. He just has to take the steps to freaking do it. I can’t make him do it and he has to want it for the right reasons. Stupid life. Why you gotta throw me a wrench when things were going well for a little while? -CS

  14. Sooz August 5, 2008 at 5:17 am #

    “Or is he beyond repair ….”

    I think you need to focus on those 5 little words you wrote above. That right there tells me he is not for you. If you feel hes ‘broken’ then hes not right for you. It will never work.

    But don’t you think all of us have stuff to work on and that we’re all broken in some way? I know I am, but at least I’m in therapy trying to fix it. -CS

  15. Marie August 5, 2008 at 11:36 am #

    One more thought, from personal experience. Isn’t the beginning of a relationship supposed to be fun and loving…. The honeymoon stage. My question is, if he was showing this side of himself during this phase, imagine what he would be like when you move out of the honeymoon stage!

    I think it’s because we moved so fast. It’s like we packed in 8 months into the 2 that we were together. -CS

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