The Stages Of Mourning A Relationship

2 Aug

It’s 3:00 PM and I’m still in my nightgown.  I managed to stop crying about an hour ago, and even talked myself into taking a shower.  Not just any shower, I actually shaved my legs.  And what’s the point, really, as no one will be running their hands down them anymore.  Less than 24 hours of being single and already I’m hating it.  Stupid green grass on the other god damned side. 

Mourning the loss of any relationship is difficult, but the different phases of mourning allow you to heal much faster.  Let me take a minute to describe the different stages that you’ll have to get through:

Phase 1: Sobbing Uncontrollably into the Pillow He Once Slept On While Your Dreams For Your Future Slip Through Your Fingers.  This is the stage when you have to double your intake of water.  After all, all the tears that you’ll have streaming down your face can be pretty dehydrating.  In between sobs, it’s required that you clutch the pillow, hoping to get a whiff of his scent.  During this time, you’ll also question your actions and wonder if you were just a jack ass and should take it all back.  You’ll probably cry yourself to sleep, have dreams of the 2 of you being together, and then start sobbing again when you wake up with the pillow in your arms and the realization that you’re alone and your mascara has probably stained the pillow he will ever use again.

Phase 2: Getting Dressed.  This is one of the hardest phases of the mourning period.  It actually requires that you find a reason to let go of the pillow, and get up out of bed.  I know, it sounds utterly ridiculous.  You may even think that you’ve found a reason-like the house is burning down-only to realize that it’s just not worth it to leg go of the pillow and stop the tears.  When you are able to finally get up, though, the actual task of getting dressed can be quite traumatic.  You’ll have to figure out what to wear that won’t remind you of being with him.  If you end up picking his favorite t-shirt or the panties that used to drive him wild, you’ll have terrible flashbacks and end up back in stage 1.  Only this time you’ll be holding the panties and the pillow in your hands.

Phase 3: Eating the World.  Typically this is the sole purpose for getting up out of bed and getting dressed.  During the first stage, you may find that you have completely lost your appetite and can’t possibly think of eating.  I’m here to tell you that feeling will go away.  In some cases, you may be one of the lucky ones that has food in the house.  In the case that you do not, your best bet is to go with some fine food from McDonald’s or KFC.  The grease will help speed the healing process-it really will.  When you leave your house to get your food do not forget one of the most important staples: ice cream.  It doesn’t matter what flavor you get, but you’ll need to eat at least a pint at a time.  And none of this no fat or reduced fat shit.  You need the fat and calories to help you.  Really, you do.  Here’s the tricky part with this stage, you can’t let it go on forever and ever, otherwise your body will go to crap.  The purpose here is just to eat your feelings and numb your pain for 24-72 hours.  That’s it, no more.  As soon as you’re done with this stage, you can move into the next one.

Phase 4: Abusing Your Liver.  Nothing numbs the pain and stops the crying like a good stiff drink.  Spend time with your boys (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and/or Jim Bean) or pour yourself a peeptini.  Just do what it takes to make you forget how happy you were when he would put his arms around you and kiss your neck and tell you he loved you and that everything was going to be okay and that you were the most beautiful think he’d ever seen.  Be cautious!  Too much abuse will lead you right back into Phase 1, and too many tears are bad for your skin.  Being single can be painful enough, being single with too pink cheeks is even worse.

Phase 5: Beating the Dead Horse.  This is the phase where you test your relationships with your friends and family.  It’s at this point when you talk everything to death, including what it possibly could have meant when in week 3 he told you he thought you were beautiful and then took a sip of his water glass with his right hand instead of his left.  Eventually you’ll become bored of telling the same story over and over, or else your friends will threaten to strangle you if you bring up his sweet nickname for you one more time.

As I’m in mourning for my dead in the water relationship, I feel it’s only right to enter into the next phase: eating the world.  McDonald’s, and Ben & Jerry’s are all in my future.  Who needs 3D when I have these fine gentlemen that can provide for me?  There’s one problem with entering into this phase of mourning-it requires getting dressed, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that step.

20 Responses to “The Stages Of Mourning A Relationship”

  1. Philly August 2, 2008 at 4:42 pm #

    Cheer up girlfriend ! Just remember, you always have our shoulders on here. We are glad to listen


    Blog friends are the best. -CS

  2. Detail Medic August 2, 2008 at 5:01 pm #

    I just avoid dating altogether and then I don’t have to go through any of it. So far it’s working splendily for me! I’m doing the MisstressM plan, abuse men and leave them. You’re happy, they’re left wondering what the hell happened and all is right with the world!

    We still love you honey.

    I think you’re onto something here. I’m just going to avoid them like the plague. That should be easier then having your heart ripped out. -CS

  3. april August 2, 2008 at 10:42 pm #

    u poor poor soul..good luck with all that

    Thanks! I’m inbetween stages 3 and 4 so things are looking up. -CS

  4. Jane Wonder August 2, 2008 at 11:16 pm #

    Ben and Jerry will never hurt you and thy don’t get angry when you and Edy have a little fling. I’m just sayin’.

    Also, please to remember your eternally single friend when it’s time for liver abuse. No one can abuse the liver and giggle like me. Or me and you. Or whatever. I live close dammit. You call me.

    And if you don’t, I’ll be calling soon.

    Thanks for coming out for brunch yesterday morning. Those 5 mimosas I drank had some healing properties. -CS

  5. Don August 3, 2008 at 12:11 am #

    Must be really well written because I went in reading it in an upbeat mood. Wow, the power of words! Pass the pills please.

    Come on! It was funny! -CS

  6. Jenna August 3, 2008 at 12:21 am #

    Ben & Jerry really are a girl’s best friends. I’m so sorry for your heartbreak darling, I hope my Vermont boys help ease the pain.

    If only I could find the appetite to inhale the stupid pint! -CS

  7. Cinnkitty August 3, 2008 at 1:51 am #

    Well crap! See what happens when I move and don’t have access to the internet for 3 freakin’ days?

    Awwww sweetie, I’m sorry you are suffering, but let’s face it — you abused your liver WAY before 3D came into the scene, so it’s not gonna notice if you add a few more quarts/bottles/liters to the mix.

    Hang in there toots!

    You’re right, I did. It totally had time to heal, though, so it’s time to teach my liver a big old lesson. -CS

  8. Del-v August 3, 2008 at 8:44 pm #

    Ouch! Sorry things didn’t go as planned. When you stop crying meet me at Ixia and I’ll buy you an espresso martini that’ll blow your socks off.

    Sweet, sweet Ixia. When are we going? -CS

  9. SinCity August 3, 2008 at 11:02 pm #

    Oh hunny…. I am so sorry about you and 3D. Like Cinnkitty, I’ve been m.i.a. on all my favorite reads and here I am just now finding out about your troubles.

    For what it’s worth, as hard as it was, I think you made the right choice. If you were feeling as unhappy and trapped and controlled as you’ve told us, this early on, I’m glad you followed your heart/gut/inner voice and got out. It’s there for a reason, and if you’d’ve waited longer to see if things got better, it would’ve been that much harder.

    Granted, this is not so comforting now… I say nothing that can’t be fixed with your good friends Jim, Jack, John, Jose and for good measure, invite Ben and Jerry over, too.

    It’s important to have all of these J-named friends to get over this stupid ass hurdle. -CS

  10. Boom August 4, 2008 at 12:09 am #

    missed seeing u yesterday. Hang in there, you’re worth so much more than you’ll ever know! I’m thinking about u, call me if u feel like talking.

    I was an absolute wreck on Saturday, I was. I think I barely managed to keep it together, would not have been fun at a party. -CS

  11. Bob Dobalina August 4, 2008 at 1:02 am #

    Lots of tight hugs from an internet stranger. Seconding the Ben/Jerry advice, take care and hang in there.

    I’m sorry I missed your call on Friday night. I didn’t hear the phone ring over my sobs. Actually, the phone was on vibrate when you guys called. -CS

  12. Jezebel August 4, 2008 at 6:56 am #

    As much as I know you’re hurting, it’s nice to see that you can still maintain your sense of humor even if you don’t consider it funny! One step I would consider cutting out is the drinking. Just double-up on the fast food and cut out the depressants! 😉

    It’s a gift, really.

    How could I possibly cut out the booze?? -CS

  13. Diane Mandy August 4, 2008 at 8:04 am #

    I’m sorry your having to feel this way, but I hope you take comfort in the fact that (as much as you already dislike being single) you ended a relationship that you know wasn’t good for you. So many women don’t have that strength. You are a very strong woman, C. You will get through this.

    I’m trying, but it sucks. I freaking miss him. A lot. -CS

  14. Stephanie August 4, 2008 at 8:50 am #

    So sorry that things didn’t work out but you are a strong woman and know what you need to be happy. Would have been easier to avoid conflict and stay miserable – a lot of women do just that. I tend to feed myself comfort food when I am sad – let me know if you need some high fat, high cholesterol recipes to soothe your soul.

    Honey send those recipes my way STAT!! -CS

  15. Andrew August 4, 2008 at 9:14 am #

    Pull on your big girl panties and drag one of your slapper friends over to that bar with the to die for drinks and the bartender who’s brains you wanted to boink out.

    Then have some nasty, seedy loving in the alley round the back.

    You know what? I actually discussed this with Red and Jane Wonder yesterday afternoon. It could be magical. -CS

  16. Jess August 4, 2008 at 10:56 am #

    I’m proud of you. Leaving someone who is controlling is…well you know. You are an amazing story teller and it sounds like your friends are very lucky to have you in their life.

    And I’m really lucky to have my friends in my life too. -CS

  17. me in md August 4, 2008 at 11:56 am #

    u are strong and can still maintain your sense of humor – things will work out for u!!!!

    I just have to get past this part-it’s the super sucky part. -CS

  18. Cosmo August 5, 2008 at 9:44 am #

    Wish I lived closer to you CS. I would come over with a HUGE Pizza, Whirled Peace Ice Cream (Ben & Jerrys BEST flavor), some twinkys, and Kill Bill Vol 1. I found the blooder and violent the movie, the more easy it is to “Get over it”.

    BTW, the Audio Book The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love also helped. It is Hilarious! The phrase “Be Paticular” stuck a cord with me.

    My thoughts are with you!

    Thanks, Cosmo!!

    I love the Sweet Potato Queens. I’m going to start having to offer up BJs to get people to mow my freaking lawn… -CS

  19. HonestChitChat August 5, 2008 at 5:21 pm #

    You are pretty freakin’ funny for someone in mourning. The dude was probably gay.

    Ciao bella!


    Maybe he is. God, that’s another freaking thing I have to consider now. -CS

  20. Penny Lane August 10, 2008 at 1:31 am #

    hey….i’m SO terribly sorry!! i stopped reading your blog for about 2 days and i just read what happened…the only thing i did was scream: WTF?!?!?!? (people are still staring at me). from someone with a very similar situation, and problably still on stage 1, i just want to say i’m really sorry amiga, this things are the worst!
    oh and a little tip…tequila ALWAYS helps. i’m having one a tu salud!!

    See what happens when you stop reading?? Mayhem! Madness! Drama! Intrigue! -CS

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