On our first date, I heard Stay or Leave for the first time. I remember thinking how there was such a sense of longing and remorse and how, if I ever was heartbroken again, I would play it and weep. I didn’t really consider that I’d be playing the song because I was heartbroken over 3D. I’ve listened to it 10 times in the last 45 minutes.
As ridiculous as it sounds, in the 2 months that we were together, we moved so fast that we were making big plans for the future. We had plans for his birthday, for my birthday, and had worked out how Christmas would work. We even had a general idea of when an engagement would take place. I know, it’s crazy. I couldn’t help but get swept up in all of the excitement. He loved me, I thought I loved him, a future together was the right thing.
I ended things with 3D tonight. I’m sad. I’m relieved. I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this. I told him that it was too intense, too overwhelming, that I had lost myself and needed to get out. He tried to change my mind. He told me he loved me and said we could work through it. That he would be willing to do anything if I would give him another chance. I wept. He held me. I told him I was lost. He said he’d give me time to find myself and that he’d wait for me. He said that if we loved each other, we couldn’t just let this go. I told him I needed a few days. I packed my things, and left. I don’t need anymore time, I know what my decision is. It’s over.
There was more to it than missing my old life, and my friends. He was controlling. He was possessive. I felt utterly lost. I don’t know how to describe it other than I just lost myself. I’ve never had the feeling of being so trapped, like I was with him.
Still, there were good things about him and I will miss that-that’s what makes me sad. He’s funny. He can be so charming, so loving. He’s great in the sack (and I mean really great in the sack). We had some good times together. I’ll miss sleeping in bed with him with his arms wrapped around me. I know, sappy, can’t help it, I’m busy mourning the loss of a relationship here. Cut me some slack. All of his good qualities combined will never be equal to how dirty he could fight.
What about having to justify my feelings all the time? Or having to insist that there’s nothing between me and Un-boyfriend, and there hasn’t been for years? Or having to assure him for the 30th time that day that I did love him? Or about how awful I would feel for feeling something he couldn’t understand and thought it was ridiculous?
God, I was so freaking miserable. I am still so miserable. I’m sad that things were so messed up that I couldn’t see another solution. Had I thought that things would get better, I would have taken another route. He’s just so damaged, it wasn’t healthy. Almost to the point of abusive, and there’s no way I would ever put up with that. What kind of future would that be?
Things will be better tomorrow. I’ll cry myself to sleep-if I sleep at all, and tomorrow will just be a new day. A day when I figure out how we give one another our keys back, and how I get my contact lenses out of his house…
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
That I coulda done