It Was Good Good Love

2 Aug

On our first date, I heard Stay or Leave for the first time.  I remember thinking how there was such a sense of longing and remorse and how, if I ever was heartbroken again, I would play it and weep.  I didn’t really consider that I’d be playing the song because I was heartbroken over 3D.  I’ve listened to it 10 times in the last 45 minutes.

As ridiculous as it sounds, in the 2 months that we were together, we moved so fast that we were making big plans for the future.  We had plans for his birthday, for my birthday, and had worked out how Christmas would work.  We even had a general idea of when an engagement would take place.  I know, it’s crazy.  I couldn’t help but get swept up in all of the excitement.  He loved me, I thought I loved him, a future together was the right thing.

I ended things with 3D tonight.  I’m sad.  I’m relieved.  I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this.  I told him that it was too intense, too overwhelming, that I had lost myself and needed to get out.  He tried to change my mind.  He told me he loved me and said we could work through it.  That he would be willing to do anything if I would give him another chance.  I wept.  He held me.  I told him I was lost.  He said he’d give me time to find myself and that he’d wait for me.  He said that if we loved each other, we couldn’t just let this go.   I told him I needed a few days.  I packed my things, and left.  I don’t need anymore time, I know what my decision is.  It’s over.

There was more to it than missing my old life, and my friends.  He was controlling.  He was possessive.  I felt utterly lost.  I don’t know how to describe it other than I just lost myself.  I’ve never had the feeling of being so trapped, like I was with him. 

Still, there were good things about him and I will miss that-that’s what makes me sad.  He’s funny.  He can be so charming, so loving.  He’s great in the sack (and I mean really great in the sack).  We had some good times together.  I’ll miss sleeping in bed with him with his arms wrapped around me.  I know, sappy, can’t help it, I’m busy mourning the loss of a relationship here.  Cut me some slack.  All of his good qualities combined will never be equal to how dirty he could fight.

What about having to justify my feelings all the time?  Or having to insist that there’s nothing between me and Un-boyfriend, and there hasn’t been for years?  Or having to assure him for the 30th time that day that I did love him?  Or about how awful I would feel for feeling something he couldn’t understand and thought it was ridiculous?  

God, I was so freaking miserable.  I am still so miserable.  I’m sad that things were so messed up that I couldn’t see another solution.  Had I thought that things would get better, I would have taken another route.  He’s just so damaged, it wasn’t healthy.  Almost to the point of abusive, and there’s no way I would ever put up with that.  What kind of future would that be? 

Things will be better tomorrow.  I’ll cry myself to sleep-if I sleep at all, and tomorrow will just be a new day.  A day when I figure out how we give one another our keys back, and how I get my contact lenses out of his house…

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
That I coulda done


28 Responses to “It Was Good Good Love”

  1. Kimmers August 2, 2008 at 1:24 am #

    Awwww. I know this might not be a huge comfort… but it sounds like you did the right thing. You deserve everything you want out of a relationship, and those were some pretty big red flags only a few months in. But I’m sorry anyway, because I know that even when it’s the right thing, it sucks SO HARD at the time. Have yourself a good cry and go enjoy the fact that you can spread out in your own big bed.

  2. Lady Jaye August 2, 2008 at 1:32 am #

    I’m sorry to hear this but I can completely relate. I dated a guy for nearly a year. I was expecting a proposal soon but I had to end it because of the same reasons. He didn’t fight fair, he made me feel like I was constantly wrong and he didn’t trust me. It’s an awful place to be in especially when you do love them. But you’ve done the right thing even though it hurts.

  3. Philly August 2, 2008 at 6:59 am #

    Ahhhh, sorry to hear this. Everything will be ok. Go out , have fun with the girls and relax.


  4. Rambler August 2, 2008 at 7:38 am #

    hey sorry to hear this….

  5. Chris August 2, 2008 at 8:13 am #

    Hey Catherinette- I know I haven’t left a comment in a while, but I read your stuff everyday. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. I know in the beginning you had pretty high hopes. I think being true to yourself is the best thing for everyone in the long run, even though it feels like shit right now.

  6. courtney August 2, 2008 at 9:05 am #

    let’s go shopping.

  7. erica August 2, 2008 at 9:31 am #

    I’m so sorry, Cathernette. But it sounds like it was for the best. It probably doesn’t feel that way right now, but in time, it will. As Kimmers said, those were some pretty big red flags pretty quickly, and that kind of behavior rarely improves with time. So hang in there – cry, drink, shop, scream and spend tons of times with your girlfriends; anything that will help you feel better.

  8. teri August 2, 2008 at 9:46 am #

    Oh, I’m so sorry! It’s sad that it couldn’t be worked out and it’s sad that some people are controlling like that. They can be good people, they just need to chill out and lose some of the control.

    I hope everything works out for the best and that you’re okay with whatever that may be.

  9. familygene August 2, 2008 at 10:42 am #

    I am sorry for your loss but it sounds like you did the right thing. When someone is like that in the dating stage, it just gets worse in the married stage and more often than not, it does move into abuse. I’m glad that you were strong enough and smart enough to see that you were losing yourself.

  10. Teresa August 2, 2008 at 10:52 am #

    Let me say first that “Stay or Leave” is the perfect post-breakup sobbing song.

    You made a good choice for you with this decision. I was lost for a little more than to four years to someone who had wonderful qualities, but I finally realized that the bad things outweighed the good ones. I lost all my friends, who thought I was nuts, my family, who couldn’t believe they hadn’t taught me better, and everything I wanted for my own life (my education, jobs, potential employment…). You made the right choice…but I know that doesn’t negate the suckiness of right now.

    You’re right though…tomorrow (well, today now) is a new day with new possibilitites. The key/contact thing will work itself out (change your own locks anyway to be safe please! I didn’t, and my head ended up being smashed repeatedly against a wall causing a pretty good sized hole in the wall).

    You’re one strong, brilliant woman:) And a fabulous writer as well 🙂

  11. Marjolein August 2, 2008 at 11:08 am #

    I’m so sorry to hear this, but it does sound like you made the right decision. Go with your gut feeling.

  12. dopeypants August 2, 2008 at 11:58 am #

    Sad to hear, breaking up is hard no matter who does it or what happens.

    Chin up soldier, you have some serious shopping missions to accomplish now. Or whatever it is that women do when they become singular again. Chocolate? Ice cream? Lots of both?

  13. Ginormous Boobs August 2, 2008 at 4:07 pm #

    Tabbie, Misstress M, The Good Pink Knight, Lady R and Bob Dob and I were having a Grilled Cheese Indoor Camp Out last night and saw your twitters. We called to check up on you…hope you are doing a little bit better today.

  14. Mike August 2, 2008 at 5:53 pm #

    Sad to hear that your going through all of this.

  15. thenextfish August 2, 2008 at 9:03 pm #

    Now that is really, really, really shitty. He had such promise so why does he have to go and have issues? You did good recognizing the problems and getting out. And you’ll always have memories of the sex, right? Hugs.

  16. sylvia hornsworth August 2, 2008 at 10:59 pm #

    So glad you made the right decision and are turning to the ice cream. It takes a lot of strength to break-up with someone you love- and it sounds like you did it for all the right reasons.

    Take care.

  17. red August 2, 2008 at 11:46 pm #

    This sucks, hard. I know it’s not much comfort right now, but you’re smarter and stronger than a lot of women would be to end it when you did.

  18. Desiree August 3, 2008 at 9:53 am #

    Wow. I’m sorry that things ended up the way they did. I hope you are feeling better soon, Cath.

  19. Lauren August 3, 2008 at 10:51 am #

    Nothing to say that hasn’t been said, so I’ll just leave a good, old-fashioned hug.


    I’m up for drinks with you anytime. I love to help drown other people’s sorrows.

    Hang in there, a better one is around the next corner…

  20. pamajama August 3, 2008 at 11:25 am #

    I’m just so, so completely impressed that you strapped your balls on and took action. You didn’t whine about it, try to change him, waste another year of your life. And that is what makes Ms. Catherinette Singleton deserving of “the best,” not “close enough.”

  21. Boom August 4, 2008 at 12:05 am #

    I love u, call me if u want to talk over a pint of chubby hubby.

  22. Jezebel August 4, 2008 at 6:52 am #

    I’m very sorry but ya’ know what? You did a good thing for yourself. Most people stick things out in such a situation ’til bad things gets worse and then everything ends on a real rotten note. You got out when you knew you had to before there was a huge, hairy meltdown, not everyone is as brave as you are.

    Everyone has good qualities no matter how bad they might truly be. I’m sorry the bad outweighed the good but when you’re done healing from this, you will know you did the right thing.

    I remember the post you wrote about his family and their wealth. I’m thinking his attitude when it came to controlling and possessiveness probably came down to him growing up thinking he could have whatever he wanted and this attitude crept over to his personal life.

  23. Ulli August 4, 2008 at 12:57 pm #

    You have your shit together there….I used the phrase “I lost myself” when I left my wasband…he was also very controlling. I remember really feeling like I had…lost…myself…….and then I had to go find her ass again. After 5 years of marriage, that is probably still on-going now, 3 years after the happy you didn’t stay in it longer, for all the good, you also saw the problem area. 🙂

    It still sucks though because he has so much to offer. He just has to get his shit together, but I don’t know if I want to sit around and wait for him to do that. Ugh, it sucks. -CS

  24. MavsMom August 4, 2008 at 11:22 pm #

    I was totally there 6 months ago. I may not be the best example but I am still mourning the loss of the relationship. At least I know that I am not the only one to go through that kind of heartache. It is actually good to hear someone else’s take on it to know that I am not crazy.

  25. Marie August 5, 2008 at 11:29 am #

    I”m so sorry! Stay strong! Your relationship sounds like mine and my ex husband! With that being said your lucky you got out sooner, rather than later. Losing yourself to a relationship is awful and once you get over the sadness you’ll realize how much more you have gained by taking your life back!

  26. trinity2 August 7, 2008 at 11:31 am #

    Despite the toughness of it – you made the right decision. You are strong to have done that! Most people wouldnt be able to. I applaud you! Take it one day at a time!

  27. Athene October 15, 2008 at 12:15 pm #

    i so totally understand how you feel i am just starting the process and it is so hard. i would love to know how you feel all this time later. I hope you feel better. i hope i feel better soon. i gave too much of me and i dont know what to do with me now. it is hard making new habits

  28. cocktailsattiffanys November 10, 2010 at 1:37 pm #

    I’m sorry, girl. I realize I’m years behind here, but I’m trying my best to catch up! It’s good that you got out early, even though it still hurts.


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