Singleton?

1 Aug

I miss my single life.  I really do.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m in over my head with this whole relationship thing.  It’s as though my wings have been clipped. 

I miss hanging out with my friends.  I’ve never been the type of person that needs to be glued at the hip with my significant other.  I prefer to keep my own identity and spend time with my friends.  Yet this time around something feels different.  He’s different and doesn’t understand why I would want to spend so much time with them.  And it’s really not like I spend thatmuch time with them.  I’ve barely seen Lola and Muffy since I started dating 3D and that freaking sucks.  I don’t like having to plan ahead and check in and tell him that I’m going to have a girls’ night.  I’m not 12, I don’t want to have to ask permission or check in with someone if I want to go out.

I miss not having to talk about every little thing.  We’re under 3 months here and we’ve had way too many serious talks.  I hate talking about feelings, I really do, yet I find myself in a relationship where I have to talk everything to death.  All the freaking time.  I’m either busy justifying how I feel about something, or talking him down because he has a hard time handling my friendship with Un-boyfriend.

I miss doing whatever I want whenever I want.  Everything seems like it’s a stinking compromise, and 1/2 the time I feel like it’s me that’s making the compromise and he won’t budge.  He seems judgemental sometimes.  He doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and I feel like he thinks it’s ridiculous.  Yesterday, at the end of an exceptionally bad evening, we almost got into a fight about how I don’t use my turn signal.  I finally had to tell him to stop telling me what to do.

I miss sleeping alone in my bed and not having to go back and forth between houses.  I love my house.  I love my things.  I want to be surrounded by them and just bask in the wonder of my stuff.  That’s awfully hard to do when I’m hardly ever there.  And when I am there, he’s not far behind.  Sometimes it’s nice to be alone and be able to hog the whole bed.

In my warped little mind, I tell myself that relationships should be easy all the time.  That’s unrealistic, I know this, but I can’t help think it.  Having held this belief for all of my 34 years, it’s extremely difficult to find myself in a relationship when this isn’t the case.  So here I am second guessing whether this is the right relationship for me.  How am I supposed to know that?

Ugh, what have I gotten myself into?

26 Responses to “Singleton?”

  1. dopeypants August 1, 2008 at 9:36 am #

    Try this:

    When he he pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s how you deal with things in Chicago.

    Oh, you probably don’t live in Chicago, so never mind. Maybe just tell him that you want to hang out with your friends. Seems like that might work.

    Were you looking for advice or just talking? I can never tell with women.

  2. Jessica August 1, 2008 at 9:55 am #

    Honestly… this doesn’t sound so much like you not liking relationships in general, but rather some specific things that are going on now. Each relationship has its own unique set of issues, I think.

    But this is why people date, right? To find out if your “Of course it’s supposed to be like this”-es look enough alike to coexist long-term?

  3. Red August 1, 2008 at 10:06 am #

    Ah, the three month mark. I’d never made it _past_ that mark for most of my life. When I finally did, it was with a guy who I’m still trying to negotiate these issues with. It isn’t easy, but in our case, it’s worth it. Only you can answer the question of if this is worth it for you.

    Once again, I apologize for being sincere in your comments section. It feels wrong, but then this is a pretty sincere post.

  4. Tony Alva August 1, 2008 at 10:08 am #

    Dopey,

    “Were you looking for advice or just talking? I can never tell with women.”

    Amen brother!

    Chick,

    If the guy’s a dingus, dump him. If it’s just you wanting to be single, don’t make shit up to justify dumping him. Just go be single and let the brother off the hook. You’re both at the age were people don’t want to waste time hangin’ around somebody who just wants to be single when the other wants to move things to the next level.

    Hard facts here…

    When you’re in a serious relationship, you DON’T spend as much time with your friends, your mate comes first.

    When you’re in a serious relationship, the natural track is to WANT to be together every night.

    It could be that the guy is moving too fast for you. If that’s the case, you should let’em go now. You’re wasting his time. He took you to meet his parents, it’s obvious to me he wants a serious thing with you.

    It kinda sounds like you want to be 20 again and live without having to think about anyone but yourself. That’s cool if that’s what you REALLY want, but if your looking for a mature 30+ mate for a real relationship, I think your chances of having it both ways are slim.

    Just a guys perspective….

  5. Jess August 1, 2008 at 10:18 am #

    Awwww…
    I agree with Red, that three month mark is always the test.
    I fought with my current boyfriend (a year and a half together now) about how he drives around the three month mark…I would scream out of shock when he pulled in front of cars and he finally lost his s**t. He never loses his s***.
    We talked, got through that and A LOT of other things and got better through each one. But I never missed my singlehood all that much. He understood when I missed my friends and gave me space when I needed it.
    Good luck and time will tell.

  6. ME IN MD August 1, 2008 at 10:18 am #

    I completely understand how u feel – u feel smothered – because u are in your 30s and been single and realize the importance of your girlfriends – they are a girls backbone and no man should come between – the best man is one who compromises – Best of luck to u girl 🙂

  7. Rachel August 1, 2008 at 11:06 am #

    Well I guess I can add to the “WTF” happens at the 3 month mark?? I was normally like you and didn’t like the connected at the hip thing until my new guy. I just loved being with him as much as I could. Now the summer seems to be ending, his kid went back to his ex (long distance) and he changed jobs. Talk about stress but I went from spending lots of time with him to hardly any. Now I am trying to find that middle ground that we never really had.

    Maybe have a talk with him and wait to see if it is just a milestone in the relationship. I do think it important to still do some of the things you did before him. Your entire life shouldn’t change just because you are with him.

  8. Sarah August 1, 2008 at 11:51 am #

    Ive been on both sides of this situation. At 3 months you start to question things and really get attached. From his side he is probablly feeling a bit insecure so he latches on like a leach…which in turn makes you push him away…and so he leaches on more, etc etc etc. If you really do like him you need to stop this cycle now but keep his feeling in mind. Let him know your needing to be alone isnt a reflection of how you feel about him. Stress that you really like him but its a personal need of yours to have alone time so you can be your best self when you are with him.

  9. Del-v August 1, 2008 at 11:56 am #

    I’m not qualified to give you (or anyone) relationship advice. But there is a need for people to have alone time and their own space. Hell, even Superman had a Fortress of Solitude.

  10. jenny jen August 1, 2008 at 12:11 pm #

    if its 3 months in & you’re feeling the bind that’s not a good sign; after 3 months you should maybe still be feeling the gooey yummy-ness …

  11. Newmie August 1, 2008 at 12:17 pm #

    My opinion probably doesn’t mean much because of bad track record but you have always done well listening to your gut so I would advice you to turn up the volume.

    You guys have gotten pretty far in a short time and maybe that’s why you are having these issues now. If I have learned anything from my past, it’s that relationships are a two-way street. Compromise is something that must happen on both sides because you can only bend so much before you look around and realize THIS is not the life you want.

    If 3D is this stubborn now, I can only guess it will get worse as he crawls out of his shell more and more.

  12. Suze August 1, 2008 at 12:23 pm #

    By the time you hit your 30’s, you kind of know what you want and don’t want. Just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’s the “nice guy” for you. If you’re feeling smothered, etc. at this point, I’d say he’s probably not the one for you. It’s not going to get better just because you’ve passed a “3-month mark’. A person you have a relationship with should enhance your life while dating – not make you regret things. Only you know when enough is enough.

  13. pistols at dawn August 1, 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    Isn’t the point of growing up that you realize how little most of these things matter and let them go? If my life ever gets to the point where I have to argue about another person’s utilization of turn signals, I’m jumping out of the car then and there.

    Incidentally, I also like basking in the wonder of my stuff, and do it frequently, which is why I’m not allowed in several Borders and Barnes & Noble stores in the tri-state area.

    Look back at all your posts where you complained about being single, and see which side of the fence you’d rather be on (hopefully, the Mexican side of that fence). If you get to a certain age and you’re still single, chances are you’re looking for far more freedom than a relationship with Nitpicky McWhineslots can provide.

  14. Amadeo August 1, 2008 at 12:35 pm #

    Luckily I partied very hard from 20 – 25 that now I want to see friends during events and football games, but other then that I’m cool by myself or with my lady.

    Plus I remember that during that time I was either looking for sex, or having sex with someone I would regret. Now I get to have sex with someone that’s not crazy….not that crazy at least.

  15. Desiree August 1, 2008 at 12:49 pm #

    A lot of good advice has been imparted upon you, so I’ll try to make mine short and sweet:

    If you are not ready to be serious, you need to be upfront and honest with 3D about where you are at this point — even if you may want to become serious in the future, at least he knows where he stands. Tell him you miss your friends. Tell him you miss the ‘alone’ time, too. And, dare to tell him he’s getting on your nerves. LOL

    As far as relationships being ‘easy’, well, you know good and well they’re not supposed to be easy. I’ve been seeing the same guy for six months now, and it’s the most difficult relationship I’ve ever had (read my blog, it’s all there, man)… but it’s worth it to me at the end of each and every day.

    How far are you willing to push yourself before you throw in the towel?

  16. thenextfish August 1, 2008 at 1:18 pm #

    I’ve been there and it sucks. Hold onto your own life, your friends etc or you’ll get resentful. It sounds like he has some insecurities that might be causing some of these issues. Good luck.

  17. [Cherry] Ride August 1, 2008 at 2:05 pm #

    Grass is always greener, sweets.

  18. sista #2 August 1, 2008 at 2:09 pm #

    You don’t sound to happy.
    Can’t say I blame you at your age, having to answer to someone.
    If you want to go to your house alone….do it! You are a grownupsortakinda and you need space.

    If it is bothering you this much now…imagine 6 months from now.lol…poor thing. Run home now!

    peace
    #2

  19. Susan K. August 1, 2008 at 2:19 pm #

    You know you miss gettin’ your Boozy Suzy on con las chicas!

    Nip this in the bud now – it only gets worse if you let him get away with this sh** early on in the relationship.

  20. Jane Wonder August 1, 2008 at 2:53 pm #

    Seriously chica, can you just tell him you need more space than this? And that long term anything with anyone means a bit more alone time than you have right now? I mean, tell him what you told us and see how he responds. To me, that will give your answers regarding what you should do.

    As for the person who feels you want to act like you’re in your 20s, I find that to be utter BS. Different people need different things in relationships. Adults work it out, whether that means adjusting the dynamics or realizing it’s wrong and leaving. But there are no hard and fast rules for what relationships should be like at any age.

  21. Yennie August 1, 2008 at 3:44 pm #

    I’ve heard it said that when deciding whether or not be be in a relationship, basically it all comes down to one question – would you rather be lonley or irritated.

  22. lailani August 1, 2008 at 5:07 pm #

    I go through this same crap every time a boyfriend enters the picture. I REALLY like me and myself and also my stuff and my friends. It’s difficult to share all of that with someone and not get resentful. I have found that more liquor is the only cure for this whole vicious cycle. Thank me later.

  23. Philly August 1, 2008 at 6:32 pm #

    First off don’t lose touch with your friends, EVER
    If he doesn’t like it, too fucking bad. They were there before him and prob will be when he is long gone.
    ‘Second, seems like you are feeling caged in. Step back, lay someground rules out and take a breather.
    Your blog has suffered enough.

    #1

  24. pamajama August 1, 2008 at 6:53 pm #

    All that crap about how relationships are difficult is BS. Great ones are easy. Arguments are unnecessary, your friends are imperative to your mental health.

    You are a princess & the man deserving of you will make your life better, he will go with the flow, he will understand that he’s lucky to be with you. Otherwise, F HIM.

    If he doesn’t follow the rules then he doesn’t get the prize, which is you. You’d train a puppy, wouldn’t you? Same deal.

  25. Sunshine August 2, 2008 at 8:39 am #

    Your friendships are the most inportant ones you will ever make in your lifetime. Your friends are the ones who would stick by you at any given time. Plan your time out with friends and let him know , “can’t tonight I am going out with the girls”, if he doesn’t like it or want to give you the space then his loss. Wouldn’t he be much happier if you were happy?

  26. cocktailsattiffanys November 10, 2010 at 1:34 pm #

    This happens to me every time I get into a relationship—i chalk it up to always wanting what I don’t have.

    -Lucky

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