Archive | August, 2008
29 Aug

I just realized something horrifying: I’m wearing Baltimore Ravens’ colors.  I freaking hate the Ravens.  And I mean a lot.  Blah, blah hometown sports team pride.  F that noise in their purple and black assholes.  Seriously, me no likey.

Yet, when I was offered free corporate passes to last night’s game, I jumped at the chance.  And you’ll never believe who I took to the game with me.  The one, the only, Lit’l Smokey.

I have THE best stories to share.  Sadly, I can’t right now because I have to run off for a little bit.  You can just sit there and wonder why we were talking about cookies and bartles & jaymes.

28 Aug

That Foxy, she’s on a roll today.  Just when I thought she couldn’t be a bigger biz-snatch…

There we are on our way to lunch.  We’re standing outside of the restaurant when she starts up with her little bitchy comments:

I don’t mean to say that your vag is foul (fowl), but it has feathers and a beak.

Thanks.  No.  Really.  You complete me.

I did what any self respecting woman would have done.  I started sending her husband text messages from her phone. 

  • Me as Foxy: I’m a big whore.
  • Mr. Foxy: Y [he’s a man of many words]
  • Me as Foxy: I like to take it in the back.  Where are you?
  • Mr. Foxy: Office

At this point Foxy grabbed the phone away from me and sent him some kind of message.  I can only assume that it had something to do with how she was going to give him one of her dirty hooker shows when she got home.  Then she’d cover herself in cheetoh powder and let him lick it off.  Foxy showed me the response he had sent, and I took the phone from her.  Then she told me to stop sending messages because they didn’t have a texting plan and he was going to bitch her out.  Being the true friend I am, I took that into consideration before sending out one last message.

  • Me as Foxy: This just cost you ten cents.

Protected: Foxy Luv is a Dirty Man Stealing B.

28 Aug

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Lucky Bones

27 Aug
I’m a lucky girl.  I really am.  It occurred to me this afternoon when Notebook-out of the blue-facebooked me.  I haven’t heard from him for a few months, not since he started going out with some stupid ass whore faced skank girl.  Thank goodness that I’m not jealous.

Once I accepted the request, I did what anyone in her right mind would do.  I started looking at his pics to see if there were any good ones.  Well, I’m pleased to report there were.  I’m also pleased to report that I felt it important to get some validation from other individuals with discerning taste.  People, he has a glorious body.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s nice.  So nice, in fact, that even Claude approves.

Here’s where the lucky part comes in: I’ve seen his hot body naked.  Naked and breathless beneath me.  Let’s be honest here, that’s the best way to see a hot naked body.  And here’s the better part: the 2 guys that I had after him, also hot when naked.  Like fire.  Like hot fire that burns me-but not in a way that requires prescription cream to get rid of the burn.

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“Can” I Help You?

27 Aug

This morning Lit’l Smokey took it upon himself to help the environment and do some recycling.  I think he was also looking for handouts and free feels.  He was wandering up and down our aisle asking if anyone had any extra cans.

I immediately burst out laughing.  Because I’m 12.

I told him I had some extra cans, but they weren’t for recycling.

Just the Tip Tuesday (08/26/08)

26 Aug

It’s fitting that Just the Tip falls on a Tuesday.  You see, it was a Tuesday the last time I saw a tip.  It’s like fate-only not.

But I digress.  This isn’t about the last time that I was presented with a peen.  It’s about who’s peen I’d like to be presented with.  This week, I’m doing something different, I’m choosing a group of peens I’d like to see.  Sure, sure, we kind of did that 2 weeks ago with the gold medal swimmers, but I actually would rather have these.  At least some of these.

People, I’d like to present to you the hot hotties from Gossip Girl: Penn Badgley, Ed Westwick, and Chace Crawford. 

Here’s the thing, you can totally take the one in the middle.  He creeps me out.  Yuck yuck.

I’ve Been Insprired by CNN

25 Aug

After reading this riveting article on CNN, I have made a major decision.  I’m not mowing my god damned yard one more time.  Not when I can get someone to do it for the low, low price of one Bartles & Jaymes.

Seriously, someone please mow the lawn and I will totally blow you.  Now, if you’re too busy and important to take care of both the front and the backyards, then you can just focus on the front.  In exchange, I’ll let you feel my knockers.

P.S. You might have to bring your own mower because I can’t get my brand freaking new one to start. 

P.P.S. If you’re hot, I’ll totally do you too.

Let Freedom Ring

25 Aug

You know what I always found to be incredibly lame?  Freedom Fries.  So stupid!!  I can’t believe that, as a country, we got so bent out of shape when the French refused to help us in our “war against terror” that we had to change the name of our stupid freaking fries. 

Really?  I mean, really?  That’s all we could come up with?  For the freaking love.  I can’t believe that we couldn’t come up with anything better than that.  We’re talking about a group of people that wear boat shirts and berets, and all we could do is come up with Freedom Fries?

Why not have freedom dressing and freedom bread?  And freedom lace panties?  Or freedom kissing?  Frankly, if someone ever tried to lay a freedom kiss on me, I’d probably have to laugh in his face before I wished them adieu and walked away.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with the French.  They make some pretty good cheese, and some spectacular wine.  Plus they gave us Olivier Martinez.  As a matter of fact, I could make a meal out of just the cheese and the wine-and Olivier Martinez.  Sure, not exactly the healthiest meal in the world, but it’s pretty darn tasty. Plus if you add champagne to anything, it totally classes it up.