Oh Dear God

31 Jul

I’m gonna do it, I’m going to be a bitch.  Look, someone has to do it, and that person is clearly me.  You all know that you want to be as free as I am and tell the truth (when you’re not too busy hypothetically lying to your significant other about how many people you’ve slept with).  Ready?  Here it comes.

Not all babies are cute.  Some of them are quite ugly.  It makes us uncomfortable when we see one that looks like this:

It just so happens that I have a friend who has a baby that looks EXACTLY like the little monkey in this picture.  I mean freaking exactly.  As a matter of fact, if you put the baby next to this monkey, I’d have a hard time telling which is which.  The only way I’d be able to figure it out is by waving a banana in front of both of them and seeing which one reaches out for it.

How was I supposed to react when the proud mother unwrapped the tiny baby to reveal Marcel from “Friends” ?  I half expected Ross to come running down the hall trying to capture the escaped primate.  I was horrified.  Truly horrified.  I almost asked her if she had considered naming the baby Monchichi or if she baby liked banana flavored formula.

Do people know it when their baby is less than cute?  Are you aware that someone might think it belongs in a tree?

I’m a bitch.  I know this.  I really do, but someone had to put it out there.  Now those of you that think the same thing can rest easy.

21 Responses to “Oh Dear God”

  1. Mike July 31, 2008 at 4:23 pm #

    So it’s like Seinfeld with, “you gotta see the baby.”

    YES!! That’s exactly what it’s like!! -CS

  2. Philly July 31, 2008 at 4:28 pm #

    Nobody thinks their kids are ugly. I have to say though different backgrounds make beautiful babies.
    I-talian /Irish making gorgeous babies
    I-talian/Italian—-most of the time , until they start talking like rocky balboa

    I would list anymore, unlike you , I don’t want any backlash,,,LOL


    Hey, I’m just trying to contribute to society by being honest. -CS

  3. cinnkitty July 31, 2008 at 5:00 pm #

    Yeah.. never ask ME to comment on how cute someones baby is because it won’t go well for the parents.. trust me on that. “Oh.. it’s red, wrinkly, scrunched up and looks like it’s been squeezed through a sausage casing machine. No, that’s just not cute to me. Wanna see a pic of my kitty? Now THAT’S Cute.”


    Wait, this is shocking! YOU don’t like babies? How shocking to me. -CS

  4. abroad July 31, 2008 at 5:26 pm #

    I usually reserve the word “cute” especially for the ugly babies. The more normal looking babies are referred to as “beautiful” so it’s win-win all the way round.

    You could also say he/she (being careful not to refer to the baby as “it”) looks just like – insert name of someone related to the pround parent here.

    If you are really at a loss you can just say “Awww”, leaving the pround parent to interpret your reaction however they wish.

    I also like to try this one out, “Look at his little mouth” or “Aw, he’s so tiny!” -CS

  5. abroad July 31, 2008 at 5:27 pm #

    I’m not sure why WordPress gave me a wink there – it’s supposed to be a close parens…

    WordPress just wanted to throw off your chi. -CS

  6. Desiree July 31, 2008 at 5:36 pm #

    That’s jacked up! I guess you have to be a mother to appreciate all babies – ugly or not.

    I would think that even as a mother you would be able to tell when a baby isn’t cute. -CS

  7. Augusto July 31, 2008 at 5:45 pm #

    I think pretty much all babies are butt ugly. I know from the pictures I certainly was but don’t anyone dare say that to my mother.

    I was adorable. Everyone says so. Even your mom. -CS

  8. Esme July 31, 2008 at 6:00 pm #

    I have a friend whose child is cross eyed. He’s two years old and it’s like the pink elephant in the room everytime I’m around them–we’ve never talked about it. Sometimes when she says “(Childs name) smile at Aunt Esme!” I can’t help but think, “But he doesn’t even know where I am, how can he smile at me?”

    It’s ok Catherinette, I’m a bitch too!

    BWAHAHA!! That’s hilarious! -CS

  9. SinisterDan July 31, 2008 at 7:04 pm #

    That looks a lot like David Niven.

    Perhaps he’s the real father. -CS

  10. Foxy Luv July 31, 2008 at 7:47 pm #

    That poor little monkey baby. So sad really…

    It really is. Though he is a shoe-in if they ever do a remake of BJ & The Bear. -CS

  11. Kimmers July 31, 2008 at 9:20 pm #

    Esme’s comment just cracked me the fuck up….

    My boyfriend and I once saw the scariest looking baby EVER on vacation… and then it started kind of “gurgling” and I swear it sounded exactly like a freaking demon. We barely made it out of the store before we burst into hysterical laughter and 2 years later the words “demon baby” still bring tears of laughter.

    Some babies are busted… sad but true.

    Demon Baby! -CS

  12. minijonb August 1, 2008 at 12:42 am #

    i guess it’s worse to be a Monkey’s baby than a Monkey’s uncle.

    You pose a very interesting theory here. -CS

  13. Wide Lawns August 1, 2008 at 11:03 am #

    That monkey looks EXACTLY like the monkey we had when I was little and I hated the damned thing. As for a baby looking like it, all you have to say is “Bless its little heart.” Most babies are fairly ugly. They get a lot better looking. I was hideous. I don’t know how my mother even loved me I was so ugly, and my sister too, but we got much better as we aged. Thankfully, or I’d still look like a Java Macaque and I don’t.

    Why on earth did you have a monkey when you were little? -CS

  14. Newmie August 1, 2008 at 12:10 pm #

    First, points on the monchichi reference.

    Sadly, i went to school with someone who grew up to look like a monchichi and THAT, my friend, is even scarier. Trust.

    I had a boyfriend in college that some people called Monchichi. I think I just beat you. -CS

  15. Amadeo August 1, 2008 at 12:38 pm #

    I’ll go further since most people are jerks and idiots, most kids are jerks and idiots in training.

    Many are little brats, I would concur with that. -CS

  16. Sooz August 2, 2008 at 3:38 am #

    A mother’s love is blind…thats all I can say, being a mother and all. Looking back at the photos years later you go ‘ewwwww….okay maybe my kid wasn’t THAT cute after all’

    I wonder what my babies will look like and if I’ll look back on the pics and think the same thing. -CS

  17. Liz August 3, 2008 at 10:25 am #

    Well, I got lucky and did have cute kids…everyone tells me, that’s how I know..LOL..but they are cute..lol..however, I do know some not so cute babies, but it’s like a guy..sometimes you have to find the cuteness…??…LOL… 😀

    Are you sure that they’re not just being polite?? -CS

  18. Boom August 4, 2008 at 12:00 am #

    I was scared to death when I had mini-depeche and thought… “what if he’s ugly?” a good friend reassured me that mom’s will always think their baby is beautiful. I was lucky, ’cause I’ve seen some scarey looking alien babies out there.

    Baby Brown is adorable, you have nothing to worry about. He’s cute as a freaking button and one day I will steal him away from you. -CS

  19. Jezebel August 4, 2008 at 6:46 am #

    I remember when a friend had a baby, I went to visit her and she was, unfortunately, not very cute at all. But I said so because it was the polite thing to do. My friend, her mother, said “Oh c’mon! Even I think she got the worst of our genes!”!!

    The fact is, babies change from one minute to the next and this child actually has grown up to be quite a cutie. Most babies come out looking like little aliens. Look at mine…both my kids came out with so much extra “fur”, I thought I had given birth to gorillas!

    Furry babies are cute sometimes. Just look at kittens and puppies. -CS

  20. Liz August 4, 2008 at 6:54 pm #

    I put some pics up on my blog if you care to weigh in??… lol.. 😛

    Adorable. ADORABLE!! -CS

  21. Dr Zibbs August 24, 2008 at 2:55 pm #

    I saw this ugly monkey once – and instead of saying the unoriginal, “you’re ugly”, I said, “Your mom doesn’t love you.” It worked.

    That’s such a good idea! I wish I had thought of that. -CS

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