Liar, Liar, Whorepants On Fire

25 Jul

Without further ado, I present the results of the “hypothetical” poll!

Question: Your significant other has told you that he’s slept with a certain number of people and then asks you how many people you’ve been with.  How do you respond?

  • 31%  Avoid the question entirely and distract him by ripping your top off and telling him you want him.
  • 26%  Tell him that you’re not answering the question and that all of that’s in the past.
  • 26%  Tell him the truth even though he’ll feel all insecure because youv’e had way more sexual partners than he has.
  • 18%  Lie like a rug and tell him that youv’e had fewer sexual partners than he has.
Now, as I mentioned, this is purely hypothetical, it is in no way based in reality.  I “swear”.  I have to admit that I was surprised at how many of you would actually tell the truth, or completely avoid the question all together.  Meanwhile, if I actually found myself in this situation, I would lie like the lying dirty tramp that I am.  And I mean really fudge the numbers. 

Here’s how I imagine that it might actually happen…

I’m not ashamed of the number of people that I’ve been with, it’s definitely under 100, and more than 10.  I’ve never been one to hide the fact that I do enjoy a good romp with a willing participant, I’m a hot blooded Mexican.  What do you expect with me? 

In the past, I somehow managed to pull the number of previous partners from my significant others without actually revealing mine.  I’m not sure how I pulled it off, but the magic happened and I kept the number to myself.  I’ve never had anyone flat out ask me so I never offered up the number.  In most cases, their numbers were higher than mine-with a few exceptions.

3D’s got skills, he really does.  He seems like one of those guys that is really nice, but when you get him in the bedroom, you find out that he’s not as nice as you thought he was.  And that was an extremely pleasant surprise.   I’m too old to be dealing with inexperienced lovers-f that noise.  I assumed that he had a lot of experience with girls-and he has, but it just so happens that 3D has had fewer partners than I have.  Not by a lot, but he’s been with fewer people.  I’ve got him beat by 3.  I never asked him, it just came out in the course of the conversation.

In this purely hypothetical scenario here’s what might happen.  The number question might come up again. He might say to me that he thinks that I am “less nice” than he is.  When I ask what that means, he says that he thinks that I have had more partners than he has had.  Suddenly, I might find myself like a deer in the headlights-paralyzed and not sure what to do.  I do what comes naturally, I freaking lie my ass off.  “No honey, I’ve had 2 less than you.” 

I freaking lie

Here’s the thing, I don’t feel bad about it.  Not even a little bit.  I can totally justify it: he’s insecure as all get out.  Seriously.  Any mention of an ex and his forehead wrinkles and he immediately gets a stomach ache.  The thought that I have a past makes him want to weep and we end up going down a path that I am not interested in going down.  He’s got to get over it-I know it’s his problem, not mine.  But if I can avoid having that type of conversation, I will totally avoid it at all costs.  It’s not a pretty sight, trust me on this one. 

This is all hypothetical, of course. 


20 Responses to “Liar, Liar, Whorepants On Fire”

  1. cinnkitty July 25, 2008 at 11:45 am #

    ..sighwhat IS it about the men of our past that freak the men of our present out so much? Silly boy, he should just be happy that he has you NOW and not stress anything else. Silly, silly boy!

    And you.. you lying dirty whore, you are a good woman for saving his fragile male ego by fibbing. ha.ha.ha.. ;P

    I did it for him-it’s out of love. -CS

  2. Red July 25, 2008 at 12:14 pm #

    Typically, I would advocate honesty in relationships, but in this instance, I totally think you did the right thing. There are situations when telling them what they want to hear is the right thing. For example, my boy and I have a rule that if we’re on the phone and he asks me what color underwear I’m wearing, it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to him on days when the answer is “white cotton”. I don’t wear white cotton on the days when he’s actually going to see him, and on the days when we just talk on the phone, the important part is to give him visions of sugarplums to dance in his head.

    Wanting to know if your partner has been tested and is healthy is fine and smart. Wanting to know how many batters have stepped into the box and swung before you? Telling him what he wanted to hear was the right move.

    You see, I don’t think that what you’re doing is lying to him. You’re merely telling him a story that he would like to hear. See? It’s totally different!!

    BWAHAHA!! That line about batters stepping into the box is hilarious! -CS

  3. Rambler July 25, 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    I have been a silent reader of the blog for a long long time now :)..this one got me talking for some reason ….
    does one really keep count?..really how many partners?

    I have always kept track. I can tell you how many people I’ve had sex with and who is which number. I cannot, however, tell you how many people I’ve fooled around with. I only count the important stuff. And by “important stuff” I mean when their Brad Piece is introduced to my Vangelina Jolie. -CS

  4. Sloane July 25, 2008 at 12:40 pm #

    According to Dirty, he is my first. He adopted a don’t ask, don’t tell policy early on. Which was really fine with me.

    I don’t like hearing about his past experiences and I KNOW that he doesn’t like to hear about my whorish ways without him. You did the right thing.

    It’s like you two are in the military, I think don’t ask don’t tell is smart.

    I personally like hearing about their past. Mainly because it’s over and it’s part of what makes them who they are. -CS

  5. Bob Dobalina July 25, 2008 at 1:34 pm #

    I’ve had that conversation as well. I’m more like 3D, I hate hearing about it, but I had to. She, on the other hand, is like you and likes hearing about my past, probably for the reason you put. Or maybe because most of my stories involve me or the other person acting like a tard. Either way *shrug*.

    And hypothetically, a difference of 3 partners is incredibly close. I was expecting orders of magnitude difference.

    Cuz of the whore thing.

    This is all hypothetical, and so there may or may not be a difference greater than 3. But here’s the thing, I never charged any of them. I did it for free. Except for that one time when that guy left me a roll of nickels. -CS

  6. Jon July 25, 2008 at 1:42 pm #

    Agree with Bob there- 3 only counts as a difference if it was 3 to 0.

    My wife had a few more than I did, so we agreed that I’d just bang a bunch of hookers until the scales were leveled. Hahaha, just kidding. She doesn’t know about it.

    Why bang hookers? Why not strippers? -CS

  7. [Cherry] Ride July 25, 2008 at 1:55 pm #

    Love that you wrote “f that noise.” I am going to start using it (again).

    We need to bring that back. Immediately if not sooner. -CS

  8. pistols at dawn July 25, 2008 at 1:58 pm #

    I always figure, “If she nailed all those dudes and still chooses me, I must be doing something right,” and take it as a compliment. Or I did, back when I still thought the numbers game made any kind of logical sense. Guys get incredibly weird about this, and you can’t win. So don’t play.

    Did you ever think that maybe she was with you because she didn’t want to run up her numbers and was applying Georgia’s Rule so you technically didn’t count? -CS

  9. pistols at dawn July 25, 2008 at 1:58 pm #

    Or, say, “Does it matter if I know how to do this?” and do some Bartles & James action.

    Here’s what I like to say during Bartles & Jaymes time to ensure that it’s the last one that I give (at least for that day):

    My last boyfriend taught me how to do this trick,he used to love it! What do you think?

    God I love doing that. Nothing like watching the tears trickle down his cheeks and his Brad Piece retreat. -CS

  10. Del-v July 25, 2008 at 3:12 pm #

    Three more guys? That’s like 21 more dongs in dog years.

    Score! Then I’ve had sex with over 100 people if we count it in dog years. I’m so skilled. -CS

  11. kristina July 25, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    “Well sure there were a few others, but none were as good as you are…”

    No really. This is actually true with the current one, so I’m not lying at all!

    3D is skilled, he really is. But I’ve been fortunate enough to have had others that were also skilled. -CS

  12. Dr Zibbs July 25, 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    I’ve had too many lovers to count and am great in bed. My secret? Practicing with ventriloquist dummy for years.

    Wow! Who knew that they’d come in so handy!! -CS

  13. Foxy Luv July 25, 2008 at 8:11 pm #

    You have nothing to be ashamed of even if you had been with 30 more people then he had – you are a hot little number, sister! He needs to get over it – you are with him now, things are clicking along in the bedroom, you have no oozing sores, you don’t need the crab comb anymore – what more can he ask of you. Does it burn when he pees? No – so he can have no issues with your number. I would just refuse to discuss it. You just put it to him this way, “Look 3, we can talk about effing or we can ef. I prefer to ef, so quit your crying and whip it out!”

    By the way, I know what all you fellas are thinking – sorry to disappoint, but I am off the market. It’s nice to know you care, though.

    I’m totally going to use your line the next time he starts questioning me about my past. It’s a good one. -CS

  14. Boom July 25, 2008 at 8:34 pm #

    Since when is it anyone’s business how many laps you’ve ridden but your own? 3-Dizzle needs to get real, for shizzle…

    You don’t have a disease and your quite lovely, so of course you’re going to have had your share. Like you didn’t exist before he met you? He needs to relax a little. Maybe a sensual massage is in order?

    You go ahead and tell him that on Saturday when you meet him. Do it up, sister. -CS

  15. Cormac Brown July 25, 2008 at 11:44 pm #

    I was telling the truth when I clicked “the truth,” it doesn’t affect women the way it would a man. That’s not to say that you can tell women everything, it’s just that my experience is that particular subject doesn’t crush their egos.

    It would never crush my ego, not ever. I really don’t care. Unless they slept with half the free world, and it included my mom and sister, I could give 2 shits. -CS

  16. Jane Wonder July 26, 2008 at 7:56 am #

    Hypothetically? I can’t deal with folks who can’t deal with my past. It exists. It has a part in shaping who I am today. And I don’t entertain people who get all dumb about it.

    Hypothetically, of course.

    I totally agree with you. Without all those numbers, you would not be the dirty tramp that I have come to love. -CS

  17. Jinksy July 26, 2008 at 10:02 am #

    I think numbers are insignificant unless they include the number of times you’ve cheated.

    I have an ex who is similar to the village bicycle (everyone has a ride), and I’m almost certain she wasn’t faithful to a single guy.

    So the lesson is, you could sleep with the football team and it wouldn’t matter, unless you were dating the coach

    I definitely left out any mention of cheating… -CS

  18. Kimmers July 26, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    LOL… I think you did the right thing for you. Hypothetically, of course. 3D sounds like the insecure type and who wants to start down the Awkward Conversation road?

    Oh God, he is SO insecure. I’ve never dated anyone as insecure as he is. It’s exhausting. -CS

  19. Jenna July 27, 2008 at 4:04 pm #

    So what you’re saying is that 3D has no idea about this blog? Probably for the best 😉

    What blog? -CS

  20. lailani August 1, 2008 at 5:21 pm #

    my answer is always the same, since I graduated from high school: five. It’s universally accepted.

    Oh, I didn’t realize that there was an agreed upon number. -CS

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