Archive | 11:27 am

Liar, Liar, Whorepants On Fire

25 Jul

Without further ado, I present the results of the “hypothetical” poll!

Question: Your significant other has told you that he’s slept with a certain number of people and then asks you how many people you’ve been with.  How do you respond?

  • 31%  Avoid the question entirely and distract him by ripping your top off and telling him you want him.
  • 26%  Tell him that you’re not answering the question and that all of that’s in the past.
  • 26%  Tell him the truth even though he’ll feel all insecure because youv’e had way more sexual partners than he has.
  • 18%  Lie like a rug and tell him that youv’e had fewer sexual partners than he has.
Now, as I mentioned, this is purely hypothetical, it is in no way based in reality.  I “swear”.  I have to admit that I was surprised at how many of you would actually tell the truth, or completely avoid the question all together.  Meanwhile, if I actually found myself in this situation, I would lie like the lying dirty tramp that I am.  And I mean really fudge the numbers. 

Here’s how I imagine that it might actually happen…

I’m not ashamed of the number of people that I’ve been with, it’s definitely under 100, and more than 10.  I’ve never been one to hide the fact that I do enjoy a good romp with a willing participant, I’m a hot blooded Mexican.  What do you expect with me? 

In the past, I somehow managed to pull the number of previous partners from my significant others without actually revealing mine.  I’m not sure how I pulled it off, but the magic happened and I kept the number to myself.  I’ve never had anyone flat out ask me so I never offered up the number.  In most cases, their numbers were higher than mine-with a few exceptions.

3D’s got skills, he really does.  He seems like one of those guys that is really nice, but when you get him in the bedroom, you find out that he’s not as nice as you thought he was.  And that was an extremely pleasant surprise.   I’m too old to be dealing with inexperienced lovers-f that noise.  I assumed that he had a lot of experience with girls-and he has, but it just so happens that 3D has had fewer partners than I have.  Not by a lot, but he’s been with fewer people.  I’ve got him beat by 3.  I never asked him, it just came out in the course of the conversation.

In this purely hypothetical scenario here’s what might happen.  The number question might come up again. He might say to me that he thinks that I am “less nice” than he is.  When I ask what that means, he says that he thinks that I have had more partners than he has had.  Suddenly, I might find myself like a deer in the headlights-paralyzed and not sure what to do.  I do what comes naturally, I freaking lie my ass off.  “No honey, I’ve had 2 less than you.” 

I freaking lie

Here’s the thing, I don’t feel bad about it.  Not even a little bit.  I can totally justify it: he’s insecure as all get out.  Seriously.  Any mention of an ex and his forehead wrinkles and he immediately gets a stomach ache.  The thought that I have a past makes him want to weep and we end up going down a path that I am not interested in going down.  He’s got to get over it-I know it’s his problem, not mine.  But if I can avoid having that type of conversation, I will totally avoid it at all costs.  It’s not a pretty sight, trust me on this one. 

This is all hypothetical, of course.