Thighs & Lows

21 Jul

Oh God, the horror.  THE HORROR!!  White, dimpled thighs sticking out of the bottom of a swimsuit which is straining to conceal what’s inside.  The sun bounces of the pastier-than-white thighs to blind everyone within a 2 mile radius.  Corneas are burned-it’s like staring straight into the sun.  People will actually go blind.  If they’re the “lucky” few who have chosen to wear sunglasses, they will retain their eyesight.  But the horrors of dimpled thighs will haunt them for a lifetime.  No one wants to see that.  No.  One. 

It’s swimsuit season and you all know what that means: women all over the world are trying to find the swimsuit that hides all their flaws and makes them look cute AND feel good about themselves.  This is just as easy as proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster or finding Atlantis.  Every year as the season approaches anxiety builds, and we know that we’ll have to squeeze ourselves into bathing suits in dressing rooms with lighting that shows off every single wobbly bit that makes us want to die a thousand deaths.

Finally, we find one that is tolerable.  Essentially this means that we think that people may not laugh too much when the see us in it.  Sure, it’ll still require that we take a Valium to wear it out in public, but it could be worse (or so we try to convince ourselves).  Then it’s a matter of putting it on and going in public without wanting to die or cause permanent damage to those that directly look at our whiter-than-white-cottage-cheese thighs.  Yet this is exactly what the people will be exposed to when I don my swimsuit to sit poolside with Muffy-my pasty, dimpled thighs.

I can suck it up.  I can mentally prepare myself to don the suit and pretend that my legs are smooth and that there’s no such thing as cellulite.  I can do it.  As traumatic as swimsuit season tends to be, I am far more comfortable humiliating myself in public when I’m with my girlfriends.  All I need to do is manage to get from the chair into the water, and then back out again.  That’s it.  The rest of the time I can cover myself under the guise that I’m protecting myself from the sun or am cold from coming out of the pool.

The really stressful part comes when I know that I’m going to have to wear the suit in front of males or people that I’m not comfortable with.  You can imagine my panic this morning when 3D asked me if I wanted to go tubing with his friends.  Oh God.  Please.  Not that.  Anything but that.  There will be tears-both mine and theirs.  I’m going to have to wedge my fat white butt into an inner tube and that’s just going to make my thighs look even bigger than they really are.  Will the dimples get bigger too? 

My heart is beating so fast from the thought of having to lose 40 pounds in 2 weeks.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to pull that off.

14 Responses to “Thighs & Lows”

  1. Cinnkitty July 21, 2008 at 10:41 am #

    Girl… I feel your pain! I saw the pics Ranger took of me at the beach and when his brother commented “Wow, you can’t tell where the sand starts and kitteh begins — because I’M SO DAMN PASTY WHITE” I was mortified!! ack!

    BWAHAHA!! That’s so freaking hilarious! -CS

  2. Amadeo July 21, 2008 at 10:55 am #

    Funny thing is..most women that worry about this are being check out by dudes. Most that don’t worry…really should, but they never do…and they like to squeeze into something that no one agrees they should wear.

    “Hmmm I’m 5’1′ and 220 pounds…I think I’ll pick the string bikini.”

    Meanwhile most of the sexy people are trying to hide themselves.

    No, seriously, I’m not one of those girls that draws the stares from the dudes. Unless they’re checking out my rack, that does happen.

    I would never in a million years be cruel enough to expose the public to my body in a bikini. That would just be wrong on way too many levels. -CS

  3. Red July 21, 2008 at 11:06 am #

    Tubing sounds like a blast! If it would make you feel more comfortable, just slip on a cute pair of shorts that you don’t mind getting wet. I wouldn’t think anyone will think it’s odd, and it might actually be more comfortable than having your bare legs rub against the tube. Just remember that the males present will be distracted by “the girls” and the ladies present will be too busy worrying about their own thighs.

    Shorts are a good idea, aside from the fact that I don’t wear them because they make my legs look fat. Really it’s just my legs that make my legs look fat… -CS

  4. Sunshine July 21, 2008 at 11:13 am #

    Go for the shorts and it will be fine.. tanned fat looks better than white fat any day!!! also my biggest fear would not be the tube it woudl be how my boobs woudl be smashed in the life jacket trying to pop out of the top opening.. not fun every one holding you down trying to tighten the jacket… the girls do much better sitting on the boat watching everyone else… have fun…

    I’m fine with my boobs hanging out all over the place. As long as people look at them instead of my thighs, I’m happy. -CS

  5. Desiree July 21, 2008 at 12:14 pm #

    I feel your pain, too. I’m with Red – throw on some cute shorts, and you’ll be set. Have fun!!

    How about pants and a turtleneck? Do you think I could get away with that? -CS

  6. Wontletlifedefineme / Marjolein July 21, 2008 at 12:44 pm #

    What about board shorts? Makes you look like a surf babe and hides the thighs as well – it’s brilliant.

    This is a most excellent idea! -CS

  7. Mo July 21, 2008 at 1:15 pm #

    Yeah, board shorts are a saving grace. But seriously, everyone else is so worried about themselves that they aren’t paying any attention to you. And if so, screw ’em. Have fun!

    I already hate them just because I think they would look at me and think I’m fat. -CS

  8. Gnugs July 21, 2008 at 1:31 pm #

    Try “Everything but Water.” That way, you’ll have to have twice the valium because A) you’re in a swimsuit in public, and B) you are now suffering from buyers remorse. And I don’t know about you, but anything to justify the over use of pharmaceuticals is a-ok with me. (Except when on a river. And don’t fret. The boys will be drunk, and fried by the sun, and completely uninterested in anything BUT bulging flesh (below the neckline, that is.) And a tube is pretty good cover, given that half of you is covered.

    I always end up buying my far-too-expensive swimsuits there. $190 is totally reasonable, right? -CS

  9. The Guv July 21, 2008 at 4:10 pm #

    Dude, just wear little shorts and no top at all – no one will notice any deficiencies in your thighs if they don’t know you HAVE thighs!

    OK, I’m not helping much. I bet you look just lovely in a swim suit and are worrying for nothing.

    This would be a great idea if my boobs hadn’t been beaten by the ravages of time. The like to be as close to the floor as possible, this is why I must always wear a bra. Always. -CS

  10. Jenna July 21, 2008 at 8:24 pm #

    My roommate had the audacity to complain to me the other day that even with her big clunky shoes on she only weighed 105. After telling her to go to hell, I said I’d give her 35 of my pounds and we’ d be even. I really wish that’s a deal I could follow through.

    What ever you do, don’t wear shorts. That only exacerbates the problem. As long as you’ve got something low cut and wear it with confidence, nobody will notice your thighs. Take it from a girl with plenty of them 🙂

    You shouldn’t have said anything to your roommate. Instead, you have have taken her clunky shoe off of her twig-like leg and beaten her with it. That’s what she was asking for. -CS

  11. pistols at dawn July 21, 2008 at 8:51 pm #

    I say you join a convent and never leave the house, for your good and the good of our eyes.

    This could totally work for me. Aside from being an athiest and not wanting to give up sex. -CS

  12. Bob Dobalina July 21, 2008 at 10:35 pm #

    CS in a nun’s habit is an amazing image. No needs for teh prons tonight!

    I sincerely apologize, that remark was lame as hell. Seriously though, dress up like a nun this Halloween and take pictures of yourself doing very bad things.

    Oh and to bring this back on topic.. uh.. do guys really care about thighs 1/18171th as much as women seem to? Everytime I see womyns on the tee-vee bitching about it, I always wonder why they aren’t paying more attention to their jacked up face, or ratty hair, or whateva.

    Plus you’ll be in an innertube. Also, boobs.

    Have fun!

    Oh, honey, of course we care about our thighs. Now, I will say that those women on TV need to be slapped as they tend to be about a size 4 and could use 2 cheeseburgers. You’re talking to a “huskier” girl-so you’re darn right that I’m going to worry about my freaking thighs! -CS

  13. caribbeanlurker July 22, 2008 at 3:04 am #

    I feel your pain! But if you are as cool as me you will pull out some surfer shorts (bright or pastel colors! never dark tones) so it wont be that baaaad.

    I’m just going to pray for a huge hurricane. That’ll solve everything. -CS

  14. Stella July 22, 2008 at 8:25 am #

    But here’s the thing. 3D doesn’t care about your thighs. He thinks you’re smokin’ hot just the way you are. If he’s confident enough that you can go tubing with his friends and look fine, you should be too. 🙂

    He doesn’t care about them as long as he has access to what’s between them. I’m so super klassy. -CS

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