Archive | 9:41 am

Thighs & Lows

21 Jul

Oh God, the horror.  THE HORROR!!  White, dimpled thighs sticking out of the bottom of a swimsuit which is straining to conceal what’s inside.  The sun bounces of the pastier-than-white thighs to blind everyone within a 2 mile radius.  Corneas are burned-it’s like staring straight into the sun.  People will actually go blind.  If they’re the “lucky” few who have chosen to wear sunglasses, they will retain their eyesight.  But the horrors of dimpled thighs will haunt them for a lifetime.  No one wants to see that.  No.  One. 

It’s swimsuit season and you all know what that means: women all over the world are trying to find the swimsuit that hides all their flaws and makes them look cute AND feel good about themselves.  This is just as easy as proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster or finding Atlantis.  Every year as the season approaches anxiety builds, and we know that we’ll have to squeeze ourselves into bathing suits in dressing rooms with lighting that shows off every single wobbly bit that makes us want to die a thousand deaths.

Finally, we find one that is tolerable.  Essentially this means that we think that people may not laugh too much when the see us in it.  Sure, it’ll still require that we take a Valium to wear it out in public, but it could be worse (or so we try to convince ourselves).  Then it’s a matter of putting it on and going in public without wanting to die or cause permanent damage to those that directly look at our whiter-than-white-cottage-cheese thighs.  Yet this is exactly what the people will be exposed to when I don my swimsuit to sit poolside with Muffy-my pasty, dimpled thighs.

I can suck it up.  I can mentally prepare myself to don the suit and pretend that my legs are smooth and that there’s no such thing as cellulite.  I can do it.  As traumatic as swimsuit season tends to be, I am far more comfortable humiliating myself in public when I’m with my girlfriends.  All I need to do is manage to get from the chair into the water, and then back out again.  That’s it.  The rest of the time I can cover myself under the guise that I’m protecting myself from the sun or am cold from coming out of the pool.

The really stressful part comes when I know that I’m going to have to wear the suit in front of males or people that I’m not comfortable with.  You can imagine my panic this morning when 3D asked me if I wanted to go tubing with his friends.  Oh God.  Please.  Not that.  Anything but that.  There will be tears-both mine and theirs.  I’m going to have to wedge my fat white butt into an inner tube and that’s just going to make my thighs look even bigger than they really are.  Will the dimples get bigger too? 

My heart is beating so fast from the thought of having to lose 40 pounds in 2 weeks.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to pull that off.